


For The Heart I Once Had

by epeeblade



Series: Sex Corps [12]
Category: CWRPS
Genre: BDSM, M/M, Space Opera
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-18
Updated: 2010-08-18
Packaged: 2017-10-11 03:51:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 52,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/108041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epeeblade/pseuds/epeeblade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Almost two years ago, Commander Jeffrey Dean Morgan said good-bye to Jensen Ackles, hoping to meet up with him again after Jensen completed a dangerous mission on the other side of the galaxy. However, neither of them expected Jensen's capture and torture at the hands of the enemy. Now Jeff has returned to Earth, determined to find Jensen and rekindle their relationship.</p><p>But he doesn't expect to find a damaged Jensen and an overprotective brother. Can Jeff and Jensen move beyond the past and find each other again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Ради сердца, что некогда было моим by epeeblade](https://archiveofourown.org/works/877804) by [Chertopoloh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chertopoloh/pseuds/Chertopoloh)



> (Putting the warning here because the archive warnings don't allow for 'mention of previous non-con.')
> 
> Warnings and other items of note: Mention of previous non-con and torture that occurs prior to the events in this fic. Some light BDSM. Angst. Disability. Prejudice and homophobia. A cute dog.
> 
> Thank you to my betas for their amazing work: lapillus, pekover, and lomer! I also want to thank my artist ysbail for her amazing creations. Be sure to check them out here (and throughout the fic). Thanks also to the incredible spn_j2_bigbang mods for all of their hard work! A special thank you to longtime fans of this 'verse. I hope you enjoy the story!
> 
> Title is from, of course, a Nightwish song.
> 
> EDIT: For those who don't want to read the previous story, Higher than Hope, due to the non-con content, I've written a detailed summary [ here](http://epeeblade.dreamwidth.org/31853.html)

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

| 

  
[bdsm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bdsm), [bigbang 2010](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bigbang%202010), [for the heart i once had](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/for%20the%20heart%20i%20once%20had), [ja/jdm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/ja/jdm), [my fic](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/my%20fic), [rps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/rps), [sex corps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/sex%20corps)  
  
  
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**For The Heart I Once Had (1/12)**   
_

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General Ferris had a dildo on her desk. Mounted to a wooden base, it was dark and rigid, though it curved gently just the way a real cock would. Jeff didn't believe his own eyes at first, and part of him wondered if the months out in deep space had finally driven him insane. Then he remembered Sam Ferris was a general of the Sex Corps.

She caught him looking and tapped the thing with her stylus. "It was a gift from some of my cadets."

Jeff stood at attention; she hadn't let him relax just yet. He had to guess what kind of game they were playing here. As soon as the Mercury got within range of the solar system, the order to report here came in. Everyone else got shore leave, and Jeff had to make it to the Atlantic base, the seat of the Sex Corps. Only he'd thought they'd shut the scuts down. That was the official word anyway. Jeff didn't see how they could just reshuffle them back into the rest of the Corps.

"Your cadets have an interesting sense of humor," he said.

"How do you know it wasn't meant to be used for coursework?" She managed to hold the straight face for a full thirty seconds before the smile got through. "They made me a trophy." She turned it so Jeff could see the plaque attached to the metal base that read "Scut of the year."

"You might recognize the name of one of the cadets," Ferris continued. "Have a seat, Commander."

Jeff swallowed. Jensen. She had to be talking about Jensen.

The last time he'd seen Jensen, it had been sixteen months ago on the shuttle deck of the Mercury. No, the real last time he'd seen Jensen, it had been in a vid leaked to the media by the Confed, of their scut prisoners of war. Jensen had been kneeling in that row of naked hostages, just another fucking example of how little the Confed cared. Jeff could close his eyes now and remember that look of horror on Jensen's face as one of the Confed guards slit the throat of the scut next to him.

Sometimes in Jeff's nightmares, Jensen was the one with his throat cut.

Jeff sat in one of the chairs across from the desk, resting his hand stiffly on his knees. He wasn't used to sitting in the presence of generals. It didn't feel right. "You're talking about Captain, sorry, I meant Major, Ackles?"

She nodded, pursing her lips together. "How much do you know about the mission Ackles was on before he was captured?"

"Absolutely nothing."

"Really?" Ferris stared at him, her face twisted into an expression of disbelief. "I was under the impression that the two of you were intimate."

Jeff could feel his face heat. "That was well within our mission parameters. Ackles would never break the confidentially of his next assignment." He struggled to keep his voice even. Was she just trying to rattle him?

Ferris scratched with her stylus over a tablet and the action rubbed him the wrong way. How dare she take notes on this?

"Are you saying you didn't have a relationship with Major Ackles beyond the one required for your mission?"

"I don't see how that's relevant." Jeff sat up straight in the chair.

"You sent 245 messages to his personal comm account. Should I assume you were just good friends then?"

His fingers dug into his thighs. "There are no rules about fraternizing between branches."

To his surprise, Ferris began to laugh. "I'm not going to reprimand you for it, Morgan!" She sobered and dropped the stylus. "I'm counting on you being the one person to get through to him."

"Where is he?" Jeff had wanted to know the answer to that question from the moment Captain Devine had told him Jensen was still alive, that he'd made it out of enemy space and somehow managed to kill the emperor of the Confed. He'd tried to send Jensen a message, but it had bounced almost instantaneously. Jeff had a strong suspicion Jensen had changed his comm code.

"He's in Texas, at the old Ackles ranch. That damned brother of his won't let us get close." She leaned back in her chair and rubbed her forehead.

"He's been discharged," Jeff said. That much was public record. "Leave the man in peace." It hurt to say, because Jeff wanted nothing more than to jump from his chair and hop on the first shuttle bound for the Lone Star state. Something in his chest leaped at the thought - Jensen was just a few hours away. Almost close enough to touch.

"I wish I could. But you know the terms of the agreement with the aliens on planet 328."

"They're human. The tech is alien."

"Doesn't matter. What does is this stipulation we have a scut Dom/sub pair on duty there."

Jeff frowned. "And we do. Bell and Hodge."

"They were recalled with the rest of the Scuts. Right now Shatner's got two of his spacemen out there faking it." Ferris jabbed at one of the displays on her desk, which showed the report feed. "This just came in from the Desert Moon, about a week after the Mercury left."

The hologram sparked into being. There were a few whispers, and then the face of Queen Michelle Tal appeared. They must have brought the holocomm in to capture this message. "This is Michelle Tal, queen to the people of Harmony. We have an agreement. Your substitutes are not acceptable to me. I demand the return of Dom Morgan and Sub Jensen to their post. Until then, we will provide no more assistance to your base."

With a snap of her fingers, the hologram dissolved into darkness. Jeff always admired the queen, and her little stunt made him want to laugh. If anyone could take on all of the Joint Chiefs and the UP senate, it would be her.

"So you want me to go find Ackles, convince him to re-enlist, so he and I can go back to Harmony?"

"Got it in one."

Now Jeff did laugh. He pushed himself out of the chair. "I think I've given enough to the Corps. Ackles probably thinks the same. If I find him, it's gonna be for my own reasons." Jeff turned and made his way to the door. Just before he palmed the control, he turned to say, "Tell Admiral Shatner he can expect my resignation in the morning."

***

Now that he was on Earth, Jeff took advantage of his access to the media feeds. He read up everything he could find related to Jensen, including the ridiculous speculation going around the tabloids about what Jensen was doing now. His favorite was the gossip columnist who swore Jensen had run off with a popular actress and was now living on New Venus.

None of this helped when Jeff didn't know what actually had happened. The reports would never have crossed his desk anyway, so putting in his walking papers hadn't hurt at all. No, Jeff needed to talk to Jensen himself.

It wasn't hard to find the Ackles ranch. Jeff had taken a shuttle to Texas, rented a hover car and reprogrammed the built-in locator system. He drove past the place five times before pulling into the driveway behind a delivery truck. Jeff had thought he might find a few members of the press slinking around, but Jensen's brother must have done a hell of a lot to scare them off.

He followed the truck through the gate and around the circular drive up to a two-story house with tall windows and rust colored paint. Jeff parked, hopping out of his car and quickly making his way to the porch to intercept the driver. "I'll take that," he said with a smile, collecting the box as if he had some right to it.

"Could have saved me the drive in, man."

"Sorry about that." Jeff continued to watch as the guy drove back down the drive and away. He looked down at the package - not much larger than a shoebox, and made of plastine so it must be something weather sensitive.

He stepped up to the porch, the old wood creaking under his feet. A chair rocked in the corner, somehow of its own volition, breaking the silence. Jeff watched it for a moment, wondering what had set it off, feeling cold all of a sudden. Was he really doing this? Literally just showing up on Jensen's doorstep? What was he supposed to say?

Before he could set the box down and run back to the car, Jeff stepped up to the door and knocked briskly, seeing the panel for a bell too late. He pressed it anyway, figuring it couldn't hurt.

The door swung open, but it wasn't Jensen on the other side. Jeff looked up into the slightly slanted eyes and angled features of a man he'd only seen on holos - Jensen's brother. At the sight of Jeff standing there, Jared scowled. If Jeff hadn't faced down the Confed on more than one occasion, he just might have been intimidated.

"You're not the delivery man."

"He had to run." Jeff held out the package, keeping it in the doorjamb. Old-fashioned doors hurt when they were slammed. "My name's Jeff Morgan. I'm here to see Jensen."

"I don't give a shit who you are. I'm sick of you military guys showing up trying to get to my brother. He's done. You tell your superiors that. I won't be so nice to the next guy."

Before Jared could slam the door, Jeff jammed the package at his chest. "I ain't here on behalf of the Corps."

Jared took hold of the box, but didn't pull it out of Jeff's hand just yet. "Then how did you know where he was?"

Jeff wanted to wipe the smug look right off that face. This was a young man who needed a spanking. He had to calm down, somehow get in the boy's good graces, no matter how much he wanted to punch him. "I asked," he said. "I didn't assume, boy."

"You're not denying you're military."

"How else do you think I'd know your brother?" Jeff tried to put his most reasonable face on. "We worked together…" And they'd become so much more than just coworkers.

Jeff hadn't expected that, the moment Jensen had walked into that conference room on the Mercury. They'd recruited the scut to play the role of Jeff's sub, as they went undercover on the city-planet Harmony to rescue Major Tappen and Dr. Johnson. Jeff had needed to learn the role of Dom to fit into the carefully ordered society, and Jensen had been an excellent teacher.

"Really. Because he never mentioned you."

That hurt, more than Jeff expected it to. Maybe he'd read too much into his relationship with Jensen. He was the one who had pressed Jensen for something more. Jensen hadn't thought they could last through the separation of his next mission, and maybe he had been right.

"You know, he actually talked about you a lot," Jeff said, trying a different tack. "How's that girl of yours? Did you end up marrying her?"

Jared's face had gone white. He pursed his lips, and Jeff didn't know whether to brace for a shout or a blow.

Before either, a soft voice came from inside the house. "Jared, who's at the door?"

For a moment Jeff couldn't speak. It had been so long since he'd heard Jensen's voice. The sound had his heart speeding up and his breath catching in his lungs. "Jensen," he rasped. Jeff wet his lips and tried again. "Jensen!"

Jared finally stepped aside, pulling the package out of Jeff's hands. "Do you know this guy?" Jared snapped.

Jeff walked inside before the door could close on him, wanting to see Jensen. He lost his voice for the second time as he finally caught sight of his lover.

Jensen stood about halfway down a staircase. One hand gripped the banister tightly while the other trailed along the wall. He was pale, too pale for living in Texas, his freckles showing up in startling contrast. Jeff wanted Jensen to look at him, to meet those beautiful green eyes and somehow convey everything he wanted to say with his own.

It took him a moment to realize it - the way Jensen held his head, tilting so his ear faced Jared, the careful way he stepped down the stairs, and the tiny cam hovering just behind his head. Jensen couldn't see.

"Jeff, is that . . ."

"Yeah, Jen, it's me." Jeff didn't miss the death glare he got from the kid brother. Score one for Jeff.

"Jensen, who is this guy?" Jared looked ready to slam the door anyway.

Jensen smiled. "Commander Jeffrey Dean Morgan."

"Retired," Jeff put in.

Jensen missed his footing on the next step and nearly stumbled. Jeff tightened his fists to keep from running over there. Nothing stopped the brother though, who dropped the box onto a handy side table and moved over to Jensen's side, taking his upper arm with one hand. Kid was so big he could probably lift Jensen with just that one hand.

"When did that happen?" Jensen asked. He placed one hand over his brother's.

"Yesterday, round fourteen hundred."

Jensen shook his head, that tiny flickering camera still buzzing around it like some annoying fly. He never turned his face in Jeff's direction, and Jeff wanted so badly to see him. "What are you even doing on Earth?"

"Mercury was recalled for maintenance, everyone's got shore leave. Here I am." He spread his hands out, mentally kicking himself for the gesture. Jensen couldn't see him, although Jeff couldn't even begin to guess what that camera did.

"Jensen," Jared interrupted. "Do you want me to . . . ?"

Jensen tilted his head towards Jared. "I'm fine, Jared. In fact, I think Jeff can walk me to the stables."

"What?" Jeff said. Jensen always did make Jeff feel like he was playing catch up half the time.

"I usually go for a ride this time of day." Jensen gently disentangled Jared's fingers from his arm and made it down to the first floor. As he moved Jeff could see the earpiece in his left ear. It looked a bit like a portable comm earpiece, but even smaller. "This way I can show you around the ranch, too."

Jeff swallowed. He figured Jensen was trying to ditch Jared gracefully and he appreciated it. They had way too much to say to each other for him to want to do it in public. "Sure."

Jensen moved so he stood only a few feet from Jeff. The sunlight streaming in from the windows lit up his face - too pale and thin, but still with those beautiful eyes that said so much, even if right now they didn't work at all.

"Um, should I?" Jeff gestured with his hand again and then grimaced. "Do you need a hand?"

Jensen tapped his earpiece and grinned. "Just follow me."

Despite the blindness, Jensen looked remarkably well for a man tortured by the Confed for eight months. He walked with purpose, although slowly, and he didn't seem to need any help. Certainly not Jeff's help, and Jeff had to admit to himself he'd come with some grand intention of saving the day, sweeping Jensen into his arms and kissing the daylights out of him.

Jeff wanted to kiss Jensen, touch him, feel that he was real. He clenched his hands again to keep them at his sides. First they had to talk.

***

What the hell was Jeff doing here? After the shock of hearing Jeff's voice in his own home, Jensen had a moment to thank the stars that today was a good day. Nothing ached too badly, and he felt awake enough to go for his ride. Jeff wouldn't have to see him bent over in pain, or so tired he could barely make it to the couch from his bed.

In reflex Jensen flexed each of his fingers, starting with the pinkie of his left hand and cycling through until ending with the pinkie of his right hand. He'd gotten into the nervous habit after waking up in the hospital, constantly checking to make sure he had feeling in his hands. Some days he couldn't move them all and Jensen often used that as a judge of how the rest of the day would go.

Jensen had been so busy trying to get back on his feet that he hadn't even thought about when the Mercury had been scheduled to return home. He'd done his best to NOT think about Jeff. Jeff had been the one to say goodbye, in his last message on Jensen's comm. The time apart had just been too much, exactly as Jensen had warned him before he'd left Harmony. So why had Jeff come here?

He imagined he could feel Jeff's eyes on him, just watching to see how Jensen managed blind. Damn, he'd left his cane back in the house, and for a moment he hesitated, wanting to go back and grab it. Without its sure weight in his hands Jensen needed to rely on the cam spitting directions in his ear: "warning, two steps from drop" right before he got to the end of the porch. While that was fine inside the house, Jensen still hadn't done much walking the ranch without that extra bit of assurance. But he was too proud to go back and get it, not while he had Jeff following him.

Jensen stepped off the edge of the porch as if he knew exactly where the step ended. He landed hard on the ground, the impact jarring on the scarred sole of his foot, but luckily it didn't cramp up. He turned right as if nothing had happened and started counting steps in his head, following the concrete path around the front of the house. When he turned again onto the gravel, Jensen let out a relieved breath. He was going the right way.

"Jensen," Jeff's voice disrupted his concentration and his count. It went straight to Jensen's belly, awakening something visceral inside him, something he hadn't felt for a long time.

He stopped, the number of steps forgotten. In that moment Jensen couldn't move. It was as if he were on the edge of a cliff, and any movement would send him off of the edge, flailing into space with nothing to catch him.

Before he could respond, or maybe because he hadn't responded, Jensen felt a hand close around his shoulder. If they were back on Harmony, the touch would have grounded him, returned him to earth. Instead it sent tendrils down his arm, making his skin crawl. He pulled away, slipping on the gravel. "Don't touch me!" he shouted, covering where he had been touched with his hand, as if he could rub it away.

He had to fight to keep the flashbacks at bay. Jensen felt his lungs burn as he tried to get enough air. Jeff. It had been Jeff who had touched him. Not Isaacs, not the guards. Jeff.

"Stars, Jensen, what did they do to you?" Jeff's voice was low, and he didn't sound too close.

Jensen didn't want his pity. "What the hell do you think they did?" He spread his arms, inviting Jeff to look. If he really wanted to see the story Jensen should strip right there, reveal all the scars the Confed had left him with. "They cut the nerves to my brain so they could still look at my pretty eyes when they fucked me. And that was only after they made me watch my best friend die." Jensen clenched his fists, knowing, just knowing he'd pay for that later. "Why'd you come back, Jeff? Why did you have to come back?"

"I came back for you, Jensen."

"You said goodbye, Jeff. Your last message. . ."

"Because I thought you were dead!" Jeff's voice rose, finally yelling back at Jensen. Good, he was tired to being spoken to like a skittish animal. "That message was for me. I thought you'd died alone in some damned Confed prison. We'd never have a funeral, I'd never be able to let go. I couldn't go through that again. Not after Katie…"

"Seeing me all fucked up like this? Is that any better?"

"You're alive, Jen. Of course that's better than dead!"

"We can't go back, Jeff. I can't be the little sub I was on Harmony."

"I'm not asking you to. Damn it, that's not why I came here."

Jensen forced himself to let his fingers relax, cycling through his fingers again, flexing them one by one. He could already feel the numbness in his palms and damn it, he wanted to ride today. If he could find his way to the horses. Right now Jensen didn't even know what direction he faced. Jeff came back into his life and turned everything around, literally. He had to fight to keep from laughing at that. Laughing or crying.

"I tried to call you." The harsh tone was gone from Jeff's voice, replaced with one more gentle. Perhaps he remembered he was talking to a blind man. "But your comm code refused calls."

Jensen frowned. "What?"

"I thought you'd changed your code."

"To avoid you? Jeff, no." Jensen thought back. Any of the calls he'd received - mostly Sophia checking up on him - had been on the main comm line for the house that routed through the unit in the living room. He couldn't recall the last time he got a personal call. A sinking suspicion formed, and now was not the time to deal with it.

Jensen held out one hand, stretching his fingers out tentatively. He knew he had scars on his hands, one of the legacies of waiting so long before treatment. If Jeff balked at those, Jensen had little hope of Jeff accepting the rest of his changed body. "Come here," he said.

He heard Jeff's footsteps on the gravel, the crunch of the stones beneath his boots. Even if he wasn't wearing boots, Jensen could only picture Jeff as he'd seen him before, either in his uniform or in the colorful tailored clothes the people of Harmony had given them. In either case Jeff had worn heavy black boots, spit shined and skin tight.

The fabric of Jeff's shirt touched Jensen's outspread fingertips, and Jeff stopped, not coming any closer. Jensen lifted his hand, unable to really feel any details about Jeff's shirt. He came in contact with Jeff's chin, stubble pricking his fingers. Jensen remembered how he'd once loved the way the bristle of Jeff's beard felt against his bare skin.

Jensen had been trying his best to not even think about sex for the past six months. Most of his recovery had been focused on other things, like learning to walk again. He'd feared he'd lost that part of himself forever, torn out of him by the rape and torture at the hands of the Confed. He hated that they took that from him, something that had been part of who Jensen was. He'd been a Sex Corps soldier since he was 18, and now he could hardly stand to be touched unless he'd initiated it.

His reaction to Jeff caused hope to flutter in his chest and desire to stir in his groin. It hadn't gone farther than that, not yet.

"You haven't shaved," Jensen said. "When you're upset, you forget."

"Jensen." Jeff swallowed, Jensen could feel the movement of his jaw beneath his hand. "I'm sorry."

"For fuck's sake, Jeff. The last thing I want is your pity." Jensen touched his earpiece with his other hand, directing the camera to look at Jeff. "Jeff," he said, the voice in his ear repeating the name. At least it would stop saying "6 foot 2 male," now.

Jensen stepped away, still touching the command function. "Recalculate, directions to corral 7."

Jeff didn't speak, which was good. Now he could concentrate on the camera's instructions.

"Turn right two steps. Continue 150 steps forward. . ."

"Told you I'd show you around," he said to Jeff and let the earpiece count off the steps. "Want to introduce you to my favorite horse."

After a moment, Jensen tilted his head, glad to hear the crunch of Jeff following. He didn't know what Jeff thought of him, but that was fine. Jensen didn't know what to think of Jeff either. Their time together had never seemed further away than right now.

"How do you ride?" Jeff asked, after a moment.

Jensen grinned, trying to capture something of what he was, trying to look flirtatious and sexy. He had no idea if Jeff was even looking in his direction. "You'll just have to see."

He knew they were close when he heard Jeff gasp from beside him. Jensen raised a hand and caught the edge of the fence. It vibrated under his touch as he heard the pounding hooves coming towards them.

"Ah, Mr. Ackles! You're early!" The voice came from the rider.

A warm snout touched his fingers. Jensen leaned forward and brushed his nose against the horse. Since his hands were so fucked up, Jensen found that using his face gave a better indication of what something actually felt like. Some horses had softer hair than others and this was the only way to tell. "Emilio, what have I told you?"

"Jensen." He could hear the smile in Emilio's voice. "Let me get Blossom out of the stable for you."

"Thank you. Emilio, this is Jeff Morgan," Jensen introduced them quickly.

"Pleased to meet you. Just give me a moment. She's already saddled and warmed up for you."

Jensen listened as Emilio galloped away. He held on to the fence, tapping his fingers against it. It didn't take long before he could hear Blossom's gait as Emilio led her over.  
   
"What happened to her?" Jeff asked in a low voice.

Jensen could feel the warmth as Jeff pressed against his side as he too leaned against the fence. Blossom nuzzled Jensen's hair, not concerned with this stranger.

"Caught in a rockslide," Emilio answered. "I couldn't let her go."

Jensen had never seen her. But he could feel the metal plating when he ran his fingers down Blossom's right side. They'd replaced her broken legs with cybernetics, but to do so they also needed to wire her brain. Blossom wasn't quite a simple horse anymore, but she wasn't exactly a robot either. Her existence made it easier for Jensen to ride without being tethered to anyone. He wasn't a child that needed a lead; he'd been riding horses since he'd learned to walk, the first time.

But not being able to see made it a little hard to guide the horse, so he needed a horse that didn't need guidance. He never had to worry about getting lost, or about leading her straight into a tree. If his hands gave out, or if something worse happened, a signal was sent directly to the main office. Jensen was never truly alone, no matter how far he rode.

"Would you like me to saddle a horse for your friend, too?" Emilio asked as Jensen pushed opened the gate and let himself inside. He'd come here so often he could find the latch without any problem now.

Jensen turned to where he thought Jeff might be. "Jeff?"

He was surprised when Jeff let out a nervous laugh. "Oh hell, no. I've never been on one of these things."

"That's a damn shame," Jensen threw back as he took the reins from Emilio and let the other man help him up. Sometimes he just didn't have the strength in his feet to mount a horse and he'd pushed himself enough for today.

But once he was up on Blossom's back, Jensen could forget about everything done to his body. He closed his eyes tight, pretending that the darkness he always saw was because he chose it.

"She's all set," Emilio said. "Got her programmed to run the perimeter about ten times, unless you wanted a longer ride?"

"Good enough," Jensen said, kicking the horse into gear.

Riding was always about molding his body to the horse, letting his hips and thighs rock with her natural gait. When she ran, Jensen flew, the air rushing past his skin and blowing his hair out of his face. The limitations of his half-broken body didn't matter anymore. Jensen had become something else, like he was half-horse himself, trotting through the dust as the sun pounded down on them. He breathed in the rich scent of the horse beneath him, just like the ranch itself, but a bit more intense. Jensen was surrounded by it, caught in his own world.

Jeff's last message had just about done him in. While he had been busy healing there hadn't been anything to do but listen to Jeff's deep voice, relishing the way it flowed through the speakers like water over rocks. After that final goodbye, Jensen didn't have the heart to even listen to his favorite ones - like when Jeff talked about a particularly silly prank Major Tappen had pulled on the team on 576 - or when Jeff talked about how much he loved flying.

Jensen had listened to Jeff talk about Katie only once. She had been like a ghost between them, back on Harmony when he had caught Jeff calling her name in his sleep. Who was this woman Jeff had married? She'd been dead for four years now, and still had so much power over Jeff. "I couldn't go through that again," Jeff had said. He'd been on duty when the Confed destroyed her planet. She hadn't been a soldier, just an ordinary person caught up in the war. She'd died, and Jensen had survived.

Though he'd come back broken and damaged. Perhaps it would have been better if he'd died, let Jeff remember him as the confident, perfect sub on Harmony. No, Jensen wanted to live; he'd made that decision when he killed to escape his captivity. Maybe Jeff saw him as some version of Katie who had escaped, who stuck it to the Confed that had killed her. Jensen wasn't sure he wanted to be the replacement model.

Jeff still loved her, had to if he'd been calling for her in his dreams. Jensen didn't know quite what to think about that, or why Jeff had come knocking now, retired even. The man probably had some stupid idea about rekindling their relationship. He just didn't realize how fucked up Jensen was yet. As soon as he did, Jeff would be on his way again.

When Blossom started to slow down, Jensen sat upright, changing his seat to match her gait. Had it been ten times around the circle already? He felt like hardly any time had passed at all. Was Jeff still waiting by the fence, or would Jensen find only Emilio there waiting for him? Maybe his shirt had ridden up and Jeff had gotten a glimpse of the scars on his back. Or maybe Jeff didn't want to deal with someone who needed a robotic horse in order to ride. Jensen felt his belly clench at the thought.

Blossom trotted to a stop. Right then Jensen decided he had enough for the day. He got tired so easily sometimes, and despite the auspicious start, Jensen figured he'd better not overdo it. He patted her neck in thanks, before swinging one leg over to get down.

Strong hands caught him around the waist and eased him the ground, just in time too, because Jensen had felt his left foot give just a touch in the stirrup. He knew as soon as he hit the ground that the body behind him didn't belong to Emilio. That warmth, the broadness, the way it brushed so close to Jensen, no, this was more familiar than it should be. Jeff.

"I'll take her back, brush her down, if you're done, Jensen?" Emilio sounded as if he were on the other side of Blossom.

Jensen could only nod in response. He listened for the retreating hoof beats before turning around, still too close to Jeff. His skin prickled, an involuntary reaction to any kind of touch. "Thought you might have left," he admitted.

"I'm not scared of horses, just never been on one," Jeff said.

"Not what I meant." Jensen touched his earpiece again, about to turn it back on. He always shut it off when he rode.

"What's the story with the floating cam?"

Jensen's hand fell away before he could finish the action. He smirked, wondering how long Jeff had been dying to ask that question. "I wouldn't let them replace my eyes with cams hooked up straight to my brain. Don't trust them not to fuck up my mind. This was the best compromise." Tilting his head he explained, "It's a synthesized voice, programmed to describe any obstacles in my path. Sometimes it gets annoying."

That was an understatement. Jensen had finally dialed it down to its lowest setting, not needing a play by play of every rock in front of his feet. The cane turned out to be more useful in that case anyway.

"You looked amazing up there."

"Always did say I could ride with my eyes closed. Never expected to prove it, though." Jensen could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. "Jeff. . ."

"Jensen, can I kiss you?" Jeff ran roughshod over whatever Jensen was about to say. "I wanted to before, but you. . ."

"Freaked. I know." Jensen swallowed. "It's ok if I know it's coming, like I expected Emilio to help me off the horse. Back on the path, you, just, you know, came out of nowhere and. . ." He felt Jeff coming closer before their lips brushed, just the softest of touches. Then Jeff pulled away.

"All right?"

Jensen had to struggle to hear him over the pounding of his heart. "Jeff, what are you doing?"

He expected a joke, something snappy like "what did it feel like I was doing?" Jensen didn't figure on Jeff letting out a little sigh, and getting downright serious.

"Proving to you I'm not here just 'cause the Corps want you back."

Jensen raised a hand, taking a guess and succeeding when it landed on Jeff's chest. He smoothed his fingers out, absorbing the warmth from Jeff's body and his sweaty shirt. "The Corps want me back? What the hell?"

"The way your brother was talking, I figured he'd kicked out a few other messengers before I showed up."

The fire under his skin threatened to turn to anger. What else had Jared been keeping from him? Jensen shook his head. He'd be having a little talk with his brother when they got back. "They wanted you to bring me back? That's why you retired?"

"They want us to go back to Harmony." Jensen could hear the scowl in Jeff's voice.

Jensen let out a little laugh. "I couldn't hack it in Harmony right now. Fuck, I don't think I could be anybody's sub again."

"I'm not asking for that, Jensen." Jeff moved closer, placing one hand over Jensen's.

"What are you asking for, then?" He hoped Jeff could give him a straight answer, because Jensen still didn't know what the hell he wanted.

"A chance, just a chance."

Jensen pulled away, lifting his hand to adjust his earpiece and turn the cam back on. Could he do it? Could Jensen trust Jeff to not tear his heart apart? Jeff asked for so little. Just a chance?

"Well, we'd better get back and tell Jared we'll finally use the guest room. You will stay, right?" He couldn't find a place to put his hands, holding on for Jeff's answer.

"Of course I will."

***

Jeff looked forward to seeing the expression on Jared's face when Jensen told him that Jeff would be staying for the evening. He'd have to enjoy it for both of them. The thought cheered him all the way back to the house. He wanted to put his arm around Jensen, hold his hand, just touch him in some way. It hurt to have to pull back, when all he wanted to do was hold Jensen close.

But Jeff got it. He knew guys who'd been fucked up by the Confed at one point or another, and he knew the stupidest stuff could set them off. He once had an ensign under him who couldn't stand anyone coming up on her right side. She'd floored a fellow officer once, and had to see the ship's counselor. Jeff was familiar with that too. He'd let his own anger and grief dictate his actions, and it had landed him in therapy himself.

As they walked up the front porch Jeff heard loud barking coming from inside. He hesitated outside the door and waited for Jensen to act.

"Jared has the dogs in the house." Jensen reached for the doorknob and it took him several tries to find it, and then it took him a moment to close his hand around it. Jeff tried not to wince at that. He wanted to reach out and do it for Jensen, but that would disrespect all the progress Jensen had made so far. "He wants to intimidate you, but they're really just puppies."

Before Jeff could respond to that Jensen pushed the door open and entered. He followed, not expecting the two giant beasts that barreled towards him. They knew he was a stranger and wanted to investigate. Jeff let them sniff him before reaching down to scratch one around the ears.

"Harley! Down!" Jared appeared at the top of the stairs. Nice of him to forget about the dogs.

Jensen had moved away, until his back hit the wall. He moved so stiffly, and Jeff ached to see it, thinking of Jensen's graceful movements back on Harmony. It looked like his own body was an enemy, instead of an ally. Jeff wished the emperor of the Confed wasn't dead, so he could find him and kill him again.

Once Jensen had braced himself, he called the dogs over, and they happily left Jeff's side, tails wagging as Jensen gave them both welcome scratches around their collars. "They're just a little too big," Jensen said in a low voice.

"I'm sorry, Jen." Jared looked at least a little bit guilty. "I'll let them out back." He carried a leash in each hand and clipped them handily on the dogs.

"Not a problem for me," Jeff said brightly. "I love dogs."

Jared threw him a glare, but Jeff just continued to grin.

"Jeff's going to stay the night," Jensen interrupted their stare-fest. "Are there sheets on the guest bed?"

"What?" Jared whipped his head around, while the rest of his body was being dragged towards the back door. The look on his face had been worth it.


	2. Chapter 2

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

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[bdsm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bdsm), [bigbang 2010](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bigbang%202010), [for the heart i once had](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/for%20the%20heart%20i%20once%20had), [ja/jdm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/ja/jdm), [my fic](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/my%20fic), [rps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/rps), [sex corps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/sex%20corps)  
  
  
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**For The Heart I Once Had (2/12)**   
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When the knock came on his bedroom door, Jensen sat straight up in bed. He had dressed in his normal bedtime wear - t-shirt and loose drawstring pants - and had been stretching his legs out with slow careful movements. If Jeff was on the other side of the door. . . He ran his hand through his hair, grimacing that he couldn't tell if it were sticking up or not.

"Jen? Can I come in?" Jared.

Jensen let out a shaky laugh at his own vanity - as if he had any left! "Come in, bro."

He heard the door open and then shut. Jensen was never more grateful that Adrianne had convinced Jared not to replace all the old fashioned doors with automatic ones. This way Jensen could listen and hear when someone was moving about, same with the hard wood floors. Adrianne had apparently been the one to decorate, making sure this house didn't look as it did when they were children. Too bad Jensen couldn't appreciate it. Even without his eyes, the house just felt different.

It was meant to be a home for Jared and Adrianne and their future children. Jensen never expected to be back here when he put that clause in his military contract, leaving this house to Jared if something had ever happened to him. So it was just fine that the place didn't feel like it had when he was a kid. He could make a new start here.

"Sorry, were you about ready to sleep?" Jared sat on the edge of the bed, his bulk dipping it noticeably, even if Jensen hadn't put out all his senses on the slightest movement.

"No, I was just doing my stretches." Physical therapy didn't end at the clinic. Jensen had a whole home program to work his way through. Sometimes it even felt like it was helping.

"Do you need something for the pain? Muscle relaxant?"

Jensen rolled his eyes. "Remind me again why I thought sending you to medical school was a good idea?"

Damn it, it was good to be back with his brother. They had always been close, they had had to be after their parents and sister were killed. Even though Jensen raised Jared through his teenage years, they were more like friends than parent and child. But now, Jensen had to deal with Jared treating him like a kid.

"Jared." Jensen looked down and played with the fabric of his comforter. Even though he couldn't see Jared, it was easier to not even look in his direction for this. Jensen didn't even want to bring up the subject. "Why haven't I gotten any of the messages from the Corps?"

"Damn it, Jensen, they discharged you!" The weight from the bed lifted and Jensen imaging Jared was up and pacing the room, arms flailing as he ranted. "They have no right to bust in to your life now!"

"Don't I have the right to make that decision for myself?" Jensen asked.

"Stars, Jensen. Of course you do. You were just . . . still working on getting better. And then you started working with the ranch managers. You didn't need that shit when you were moving on, away from it."

If only he could move on. Jared didn't understand. He'd always thought of Jensen's time in the Sex Corps as temporary, as something Jensen did to pay back the debts of their past. However, Jensen had been career military, embracing his role working under cover, knowing he'd never receive public acknowledgment for what he'd done to keep the UP safe. The job had been important and Jensen had been damn good at it.

It wasn't just losing the military when he was discharged; Jensen had lost part of himself. He hadn't planned on such a spectacular end to his career. Dying on duty had seemed far more likely than his medical discharge. There should have been time to make plans, figure out what he was going to do. Now he was no longer a scut and Jensen had been cut off from everything he had been. He couldn't even talk about it. Jared would only be horrified and Jensen would spare his brother that.

He flexed his hands, feeling the familiar twinge in his palms as he cycled through his fingers, pinkie to thumb and back again. "I would have liked to have gotten the message, Jared."

"It's because of him, isn't it? Jeff Morgan? Who the hell is he, Jensen?" Jared still seemed to be pacing, his voice moving across the room. Jensen could have tried to follow it, but that would only make him dizzy.

That was the question that needed a decade to answer. "I was assigned to work with him, the mission before this last one."

"For Earth's sake, Jensen, don't tell me he was a guy you were forced to fuck?"

"Lower your voice!" Jensen snapped. For all they knew Jeff had his ear pressed to the door and the last thing Jensen wanted was for Jeff to have heard that little outburst. It sounded far too much like some of the insecurities Jeff had actually had about the mission to Harmony. "And sit down if you actually want to hear this. I don't want to have to keep guessing where you are."

"I'm sorry, Jen," Jared said in a low voice, sounding for a moment almost as if he were a kid again. Jensen had to smile at the thought, thinking fondly of Jared chasing after him on the ranch, always eager to see what his big brother was up to. Jared's weight settled on to the bed.

Jensen brought his knees up, curling his arms around his legs as he rested his chin on them. He could picture it all so clearly – his shuttle landing on the Mercury, confronting Commander Morgan, who'd known absolutely nothing about the Dom/sub society he found himself mixed up in. It had started as just another mission, yes, but Jensen had thought he had found something special. Jeff had taken to his role as Dom like he'd been born to it, and fuck if he hadn't been someone to be proud of – a Dom worth serving.

Of course, explaining this to Jared would take another ten years. In some ways his little brother could be horribly vanilla. "We were assigned to work together, yes, but it turned into something more. Neither of us expected it."

"He was the one you told me about," Jared said. "Before. . ."

Before Jensen had left for that last mission, the one that left him blinded and disfigured. "Yeah. I haven't seen him since." Jensen tried to add up how long it had been. He'd lost so much time. It was more than one year, but not quite two years, he knew that.

"And he came back for you," Jared said, so low Jensen almost didn't hear it. "You'd better get to bed. Good night, Jen."

"Sleep well, Jared." Jensen grinned. "And I won't tell Adrianne you've got the dogs up there in bed with you!"

Jared chuckled as he left, by this point not even asking how Jensen knew.

Jensen finished his last bit of stretching, before scooting over to the edge of the bed and feeling for the end table where he kept his meds. The box was carefully marked with little nubs that indicated what pills to be taken in the morning and at night. Jensen slid his fingers over the top and hesitated. He put it back on the table and slid out of bed.

He knew exactly how many steps it took to get to the hallway, even without his earpiece. Jensen listened, but he didn't hear any footfalls anywhere in the house. Adrianne wouldn't be back until tomorrow, so he didn't chance running into her on this little nighttime trip. Jeff was in the guestroom, which was conveniently right across from his own room.

Without knocking, Jensen pushed the door open, holding his breath. He should be able to tell if Jeff were sleeping just by listening. It seemed he wasn't that lucky.

"Jensen."

"Shh." Jensen pulled the door closed behind him. He stepped forward carefully, not knowing the layout of this room. Once again he should have brought his damn cane with him. His earpiece lay with his meds, useless to him now.

His knees touched the side of the bed and he knelt on it, his knees stronger than either his feet or his hands at the moment. Jensen leaned over on his elbows, feeling the stiff sheets under his skin. He had to push down thoughts of his captivity as he moved towards the warmth to find Jeff lying beneath the covers. They'd made him crawl for them, but Jensen chose to do this now. He'd take back everything they'd stolen from him.

"You sure about this, sweetheart?" Jeff murmured, his voice that low growl that went straight to Jensen's groin.

His hands found Jeff's face, stroking the stubble that was even thicker now. Jeff obviously didn't shave before bed. Jensen leaned down to brush his lips against Jeff's cheek, to feel the contrast against his skin. Jeff shifted so their lips met yet again, and this time Jensen took control of the kiss, biting down on Jeff's lower lip and thrilling at how the other man gasped beneath him.

"Just let me," Jensen breathed against him. "I need to be in control. Okay?"

He could feel Jeff smile beneath his lips. "Do your worst, boy."

Jensen shivered. He slid under the covers, following the line of Jeff's body, mouthing over his bare chest as he moved. The spicy taste of Jeff was familiar on his tongue, awakening memories from Harmony. His hand found the band of Jeff's undershorts and he pulled the elastic away, eager to get at the cock beneath.

Jeff wasn't completely hard yet, but he grew in Jensen's hand, becoming that hefty weight Jensen recognized. He lowered his head, inhaling Jeff's scent - here a little sweaty, but overlaid with musk. His tongue darted out and found the slit, where a tiny bit of precome had collected - just enough for Jensen to get a taste.

"Jensen," Jeff moaned. "Can I touch you?"

"No," Jensen said. He couldn't do this if Jeff put his hands on Jensen's hair or tried to guide him in any way. At just the thought Jensen had to push back the bad memories, force himself to remember this was Jeff. Jensen wanted to do this, give this.

"Oh fuck," Jeff gasped as Jensen swallowed him.

He'd been worried about this, how he'd react with the weight of Jeff's cock in his mouth. Jensen hummed as he sucked. He would go only as deep as he wished, no one would force him further. And somehow that made all the difference. Jensen could remember why he'd enjoyed this at one point.

Jeff was at his mercy, writhing beneath him while Jensen used his mouth and fingers to pleasure him. His cock scalded Jensen, the taste and scent filling his senses, so there was nothing else but Jeff inside him.

When Jeff finally came, Jensen pulled off. He didn't think he could swallow, afraid the taste of thick semen would send him back there, to the lounge his captors used to break the scuts, reducing them all to nothing but holes to be filled. Some days that would be the only meal Jensen would get and he hated how he'd had to swallow desperately for nourishment.

Jensen shuddered. No, this was Jeff. He wanted to please Jeff. Gulping in deep breaths of air Jensen had to remind himself that he was home and safe. His lungs felt too tight. If he could see, he'd know it was Jeff, that this wasn't a dream.

"Jensen?"

"Yeah. I should clean you up." Jensen pulled off his own shirt and moved to mop up the mess he'd left behind.

He felt Jeff's hand on his wrist and Jensen stiffened. This was Jeff, he reminded himself, feeling his lungs fill with air, finally. "Don't. Come here."

Jensen slithered back up Jeff's body, pressing his half-hard dick against Jeff's thigh. It was the closest he'd gotten to a full erection since coming home. He'd been disconnected from his body, like it belonged to someone else and Jensen was only inside temporarily. Regaining this much made him feel like he was finding himself again.

"Let me take care of you," Jeff said.

Jensen shook his head. "I'm fine."

"Then stay." Jeff patted the bed next to him, the sound audible, so he was hitting the mattress pretty hard.

Jensen smiled at the thought. "Just for a bit," he said. He stretched out next to Jeff, his eyes closing as his head hit the pillow, Jeff's warmth at his side, though they didn't touch.

***

Jeff hadn't known what to expect before he arrived here. There hadn't been any visuals on the news feeds; Jared had been damn good at keeping Jensen out of them after the rescue. He'd spent nights coming up with worse and worse scenarios, everything from amnesia to paralysis. He was glad Jensen wasn't broken, that he could see the man he loved beneath this damaged shell. Jeff shouldn't have been surprised when his door opened and Jensen crawled into his bed. Jensen had always been the one to take charge of his own sensuality, and that still seemed to be true.

He lifted one of Jensen's hands to his lips and kissed the center of it, right on one of those strange scars. What the hell had the Confed done to make marks that looked like that?

Jensen pulled his hand away, a flush rising in his cheeks. Jeff was glad he hadn't gotten around to turning the light off yet. He liked being able to look his fill, to see the new lines in Jensen's face, the way they only highlighted his beauty.

"You've lost weight," he said. He wanted to trace the line of Jensen's jaw with his finger, but Jensen had pulled his hand away. Jeff hadn't been given permission to touch and he ached at that lack. He wanted nothing more than to take Jensen in his arms and hold him close.

Jeff had wanted that for months now, from the moment he'd learned Jensen was still alive. He'd planned and schemed for the moment the Mercury returned to Earth, only to have his plans disrupted by Ferris's immediate summons. He was glad she'd contacted him, no matter how much Jeff had wanted to charge in and rescue Jensen. It turned out that wasn't what Jensen needed.

Jensen shrugged. "I'm still getting used to real food again."

Jeff shuddered and he just knew that Jensen felt that from the shuttered expression that stole over his eyes. Even though he couldn't see out of them, Jensen still showed every emotion in that green gaze. "I saw the media feed. What they did to you. . ."

"That wasn't even the worst of it," Jensen's voice cracked. "Watching a friend die. . ."

"That was before they did this." Jeff gave into temptation and brushed his fingers against Jensen's temple, noting that there was a scar here too, but faint and mostly covered by hair.

"I wasn't the first," Jensen whispered, as if by speaking low he could change the horror of his words. "They had over twenty scuts. For years they'd been tracking us, taking us whenever they could. Master Isaacs experimented on all of us, trying different things to turn us into the perfect slave. He said I saw too much."

Jeff stroked Jensen's hair back, hoping the motion soothed. Jensen didn't move away, so he had to guess it was okay. "Oh, Jensen."

"You gotta understand, Jeff. They broke me. I'm not sure I can ever let myself get fucked again."

"You're not broken," Jeff corrected. "A broken man wouldn't have taken charge of his own damn rescue."

"How'd you know about that? Did you read the reports?"

Jeff almost sat up. Could it be Jensen didn't know? He'd seen Jared giving press conferences, but Jensen had never spoken in public. Jeff had guessed it was to preserve his privacy, to hide the extent of his injuries. But if Jensen didn't know. . .

"Jensen, you're something of a celebrity. You killed the Emperor of the damn Confed. That's nothing to fuck around with!"

Jensen drew away, his eyes wide. "I knew he was important, I just didn't know how important."

"Jensen. . ." Jeff didn't know what to say. He hadn't been expecting to break this news.

With trembling hands, Jensen covered his face. "It worked out almost perfectly, didn't it? I did exactly what they wanted, only lost myself in the process."

"No, sweetheart, no." Jeff slid his hands around Jensen's wrists, pulling at them gently to get Jensen to stop hiding.

Killing was easy from the bridge of a starship, or even behind a laser rifle. Jeff had never used his bare hands to kill an enemy and could only imagine how personal that made it for Jensen. "You did it to save yourself," Jeff said. "Not for them."

Jensen shook his head. "Fuck, Jeff. I don't want to talk about it!"

"Shh. Come on, let me shut the light. You can sleep here, right? I've got you, right here." Jeff kept murmuring to Jensen, coaxing him back onto the bed like, well, like a skittish horse. The past was past. He'd be the one to make sure to keep Jensen safe now.

***

The screaming woke Jeff out of a deep sleep. It took a moment to remember exactly where he was and why he wasn't asleep on regulation sheets in his quarters on the Mercury. He slapped his palm on the wall lamp, lighting up the guest bedroom. His heart raced as he looked around for the source.

Jensen sat on the floor, curled up into a ball pressed up against the wall. He rocked back and forth, his hands twisted into claws as he shouted. "No! Stop touching me! Stop!"

"Jensen!" Jeff stumbled out of the bed, pulling up his shorts as he hit the carpet. "You're safe, Jensen, come on."

"Get away from him!"

Jeff looked up as Jared barreled into the room. "I didn't. . . " He didn't hurt Jensen. At least, he didn't think so. Stars, he wouldn't forgive himself if he'd caused this.

Jared ignored him. "Jen?" he said as he pressed a hand against Jensen's neck. "It's Jared, can you hear me?"

Jensen's screams had turned to mumbles and he still continued to shiver and rock. He didn't appear to hear Jared at all, staring out into the distance at something only he could see. "Please, don't, don't," he murmured.

Jared had pulled a hypoderm out of the silver kit he'd brought into the room with him. That's right, the kid was a doctor. He injected it into Jensen's left arm. "Come on, Jensen." He cupped Jensen's face with one large hand and tilted it in his direction. "Jensen!"

Jeff knelt next to the brothers. He took one of Jensen's twisted hands between his and massaged the palm gently. "Jensen? It's Jeff."

"Jared?" Jensen said, blinking and looking around, as if he were trying to see. "Jeff?"

"Right here," Jeff told him.

Jared pulled a scanner out of his kit and ran it over Jensen's head and chest. "Did you take your meds tonight?"

Jensen bit his lip, letting his head drop against the wall. "No."

Jeff took the other hand and began to massage the kinks out of that one as well. Jensen's fingers slowly relaxed at his touch, although they still felt stiff. Did this happen often?

"Why not?" Jared snapped the scanner closed.

"They make me sleepy." Jensen's eyes fluttered closed. Whatever Jared had given him must have the same effect. "And I wanted to . . . " He gestured in Jeff's direction.

Jeff felt something stick in his throat. "What happens if you don't take the meds?"

"Nightmares," Jensen answered, but nothing else seemed to be forthcoming. He began to slump, his head falling towards his chest. Damn, that drug worked fast.

"And panic attacks," Jared murmured. He untangled Jensen's hands from Jeff's, before standing and lifting Jensen into his arms, as if he weighed absolutely nothing. Jeff raised his eyebrows, impressed despite himself. Even with the weight-loss, he knew firsthand that carrying Jensen wasn't exactly easy.

"Need any help?" Jeff asked. He should be the one doing that, holding Jensen in his arms and protecting him from the nightmares.

Jared didn't answer at first. "You can open the door to his room for me," he said.

As they stepped into the hallway Jeff could hear the dogs whining and scratching against a door. Jared must have shut them away somewhere when he heard Jensen's screams. He didn't even flinch at the sound, being so focused on his brother. Jeff opened the door and then followed Jared into Jensen's room, as he laid Jensen down on his bed.

Jensen's room reminded him of a typical room on a starship. It lacked anything other than a bed, an end table, and a dresser across from the bed. Jeff didn't even see a comm unit, which might have gone some way to explaining Jensen's lack of knowledge about recent events.

Well, what the hell did Jeff expect? It wasn't like Jensen could put up pictures, now could he? And the sheer lack of stuff made it easy for Jensen to navigate the room without the use of his eyes. Something didn't quite feel right here, though. Jeff remembered the duffle bag full of sex toys that Jensen had brought onboard the Mercury. He called it part of his kit, had blushed at the glass dildo Jeff had accidentally unearthed. Where were his most precious possessions now?

"I've got it from here," Jared said.

Jeff didn't appreciate the dismissal, not when he'd had Jensen curled around his body a few short hours ago. But he didn't need to fight right now. Jeff would save that for tomorrow.

***

Jared poked at the eggs with his spatula, watching as they sizzled over the pan. He sprinkled chunks of ham into the mix, waiting until it all solidified just a little before adding the shredded cheese. It was easier to focus on breakfast than on everything that had gone on the night before. So he popped four pieces of bread into the toaster and puttered around the kitchen, pulling the butter from the fridge and double-checking that the coffee maker was brewing. Jensen would be in even more need of the caffeine than usual this morning.

"Smells good."

Jeff's voice startled Jared and he nearly dropped the pile of plates he grabbed from the cabinet. "Thanks. Want a plate? I scramble a mean egg."

"Sure."

Jared didn't know what to make of Jeff Morgan. He'd known soldiers all his life, since he and Jensen had moved to the Atlantic base when he was fifteen. They were a varied bunch - he'd known assholes who liked to throw their weight around and he'd known people who were so kind you never guessed they killed for a living. Of course Jensen's Sex Corps friends were a completely different breed, never quit fitting in with the Space or Ground Corps. They focused on an entirely different set of skills, so they sometimes seemed too friendly and often made Jared feel like they could see right through him.

When Jeff knocked on their door Jared anticipated another asshole attempting to force him to produce Jensen. Jeff had that look, like he wouldn't take crap. But from the moment he opened his mouth, Jeff had defied all of Jared's expectations.

What the heck was it about this guy that made Jensen fall for him? In all the time Jared had known Jensen, he'd never actually dated anyone. He'd known Jensen was sleeping with his Sex Corps friends. The four of them had a sort of casual intimacy between them, but Jared would never have called that a romantic relationship.

"Anything I can do to help?" Jeff asked, leaning against the back of a chair.

"Just eat." Jared dished up a plate of eggs and dropped it on the table.

Jeff slid into the chair, picking up the fork Jared had placed on the napkin. Everything had to be positioned just so. Routine kept Jensen on task. Jared would never risk putting something out of place and possibly harming his brother. Unfortunately he wished he could convince Jensen to adhere to the same standards. Maybe he'd insist on giving Jensen his meds tonight.

"Listen." Jeff cleared his throat, still not eating his eggs. "I'm sorry about last night. I had no idea. . . Does Jensen have the panic attacks often?"

Jared gripped the spatula tightly, his knuckles whitening. If he wasn't careful, he'd snap the damn thing. "Why do you want to know? Trying to assess if he's fit to come back for duty?"

"You're one prickly SOB, you know that? I just asked because I care, not because I have some goddamned ulterior motive!" Jeff gestured with his fork.

"Look, Commander. . ."

"Jeff, just Jeff."

Jared nodded, dishing up another plate of eggs. "Jeff. I don't know you. I don't know a damn thing about you. But you're the first person my brother's . . . opened up to." That was one way to put it. After everything Jensen had been through, Jared didn't think his brother would ever willingly sleep with anyone again. He didn't know how far things had gotten. For all he knew they'd just cuddled all night long. Jared snorted. He couldn't help being amused at that notion. "For that, I'll put up with you staying here."

"But not much more, huh?" Jeff gave him a little grin. For a moment they understood each other perfectly.

Then Jensen stepped into the doorway, holding the cane he'd foregone all day yesterday and with heavy bruises under his eyes. "I smell coffee," he said.

"Yeah, got a pot ready. Eggs are on the table, in your normal spot." Jared set to work dishing himself up a plate, watching Jeff watch Jensen as his brother shuffled to the counter. It took Jensen a few tries to find the cabinet handle, but once he did that, he found his mug with little trouble.

The look on Jeff's face wasn't one of pity. Jared couldn't figure it out. It was like Jared and the kitchen disappeared and the only thing Jeff could see was Jensen carefully pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Morning, Jen," Jeff rumbled. He'd waited until Jensen had finished pouring the coffee, but before Jensen had picked up the mug.

Jensen jerked just a tiny bit. He hadn't known Jeff was sitting there in the kitchen. Damn it, Jared should have mentioned that first thing. It was Jared's responsibility to take care of Jensen's environment, and letting him know about a former lover sitting right across from him certainly fit that bill.

"Good morning, Jeff." Jensen carried his cup over to the table, finding his seat and eggs without any problem.

Jared missed the way Jensen used to move - with assurance and confidence. The old Jensen could own a room simply by walking into it, everyone drawn to his charisma. Now he commanded a room for an entirely different reason.

Jared dropped into his own seat and dug into his own eggs. "Did you take your morning meds?"

"Yes, Doctor," Jensen snapped. "I hope that was okay with whatever you stuck me with last night."

Now that was uncalled for. "It was just a sedative. I didn't drug you, Jensen!"

Jensen didn't respond, too busy focusing on putting his fork in his mouth. Jared could see the slight tremble in Jensen's hands. He wondered just how bad his brother was hurting.

"So, ah," Jeff cut in. "What are your plans for the day?"

Like that wasn't awkward. It did remind Jared of something important, however. "Oh, Jensen, don't forget your PT appointment today." He looked over at the clock on the wall, seeing how much time they had before they had to leave. They'd all slept later than Jared liked.

"Isn't Adrianne flying back in today?" Jensen said, ignoring Jared's comment completely.

"Well, yeah." Adrianne flew back in all the time. That was one of the problems with her job, she had to travel so much. "But what does that. . . ?"

"Jeff, would you mind taking me to my appointment?" Jensen looked over to his right, though he was slightly off as to exactly where Jeff sat.

"Jensen," Jared cut in. "Jeff doesn't even know where the office is."

"I do have automapping on the rental," Jeff said. "Car will just about drive itself anywhere."

Jared couldn't win when both of them ganged up on him. He threw his hands up in the air. "Fine. You have an hour before you need to leave. Have fun." His jaw clenched as he fought down any harsher words, his blood thrumming in his veins.

Jared didn't even put his plate in the sink before he stalked out of the kitchen.

***

Jeff started the rental, running his hands over the controls. He'd programmed the address into the system already. All he needed was Jensen.

He slammed his head against the back of the seat. Damn it. Jeff was so far out of his element here. Every time he closed his eyes he relived the scene of Jensen screaming and shaking, fighting off attackers only he could see. He hit the steering wheel. How dare they hurt his Jensen!

His brilliant, beautiful, confident Jensen. Was that Jensen gone forever? And even if he was, did that change how Jeff felt? He wanted Jensen, no matter how damaged.

The door creaked open. Jensen slid carefully into the passenger seat, still carrying the slim white cane from breakfast. Jeff wondered why he hadn't used it yesterday. Hell, yesterday Jensen had seemed more like himself, more full of life and eager to challenge Jeff. Today, despite his biting at Jared, Jensen seemed quiet, subdued. He moved slower, as if he body ached. That damned panic attack - would that happen every time they attempted to be intimate? Could Jeff live with that?

"Ready to get going?" Jeff moved his hands over the controls to keep from reaching out and grabbing Jensen. That urge to touch and comfort hadn't gone anywhere since last night. Jeff just knew it would do more harm than good, and damn, but that hurt.

Jensen folded his arms over his chest. He looked uncomfortable and shifted in the seat. "Yeah."

They didn't speak for several miles. Jeff concentrated on matching the map overlay on the windshield, so it didn't bother him at first. When it started to get uncomfortable, Jeff didn't know how to break the ice. They had to talk about last night, didn't they?

"So," Jensen finally said, as if he had suddenly woken up. "What are you going to do with yourself, now that you've retired?"

Jeff pursed his lips, giving the question serious consideration. He couldn't say he'd hoped to do whatever Jensen wanted, because even Jeff wasn't so dense he didn't realize that Jensen was far from ready to hear anything like that yet. "Don't know," he said instead. "I thought about taking some art classes. Always wanted to try painting."

Jensen snorted. Jeff kicked himself. Of course he'd choose the one hobby Jensen couldn't appreciate. It seemed no matter what he said or did Jeff just kept making one misstep after another. How had it been so easy in Harmony, when they had to work together to figure out an alien culture to survive? When had the aliens become easier to understand than humanity?

"I can't imagine you as a painter." Jensen rubbed at one palm, flexing his fingers as if they pained him.

Jeff frowned, remembering the twisted knots Jensen had clawed his fingers into last night. He forced down the lump in his throat. "Really? Why's that?"

"Can't imagine you sitting still that long." Jensen laughed.

If Jeff had to be the butt of the joke to make Jensen laugh, he'd take it. Anything to erase the darkness from last night. "So what would you suggest? If not painting, then what?"

He looked over in time to see Jensen frown and furrow his brow, as if he were thinking especially hard. "I don't know. Something that puts you in charge of people, I guess."

Like the military, or like on Harmony where Jeff had been Jensen's Dom? He didn't ask. It was too soon to bring back those memories, Jeff now knew. "I wanted to be a pilot. That's why I joined up."

"Really?" Jensen sounded surprised. "I think you were meant for command."

Jeff could feel his cheeks burning. Those words shouldn't have sounded so erotic. Jensen certainly couldn't mean the way Jeff thought of it, in command of his sub. They'd made a good team, and Jeff had to admit he'd felt like a part of himself was missing ever since Jensen had left his side.

"Well, I have plenty of time to decide." Jeff waited a moment, tapping his knee incessantly before he finally spit it out. "Jensen, we should talk about last night."

He could tell it was a mistake immediately. Jensen hugged his arms tighter around himself and turned his face away from Jeff. "I told you I was broken."

"Jen, you're not broken." Jensen wasn't a thing that could be torn apart into pieces. He was a person, tortured and damaged beyond belief, but not broken.

Jensen let out another laugh, with none of the mirth he'd shown earlier. "You can tell that by one night? I have about five different doctors that would disagree with you."

"You've gotten better, haven't you?" Jeff said, though he was only guessing. Jensen had come to his bed, offered himself. Even if it had triggered the nightmare of a panic attack, Jensen had tried. "You will keep getting better."

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about," Jensen muttered, ending the discussion.

The automapping system guided them smoothly into the parking lot of the health center. It looked busy, plenty of hover cars flying in and out. As Jeff made to open his door he realized Jensen wasn't moving. Did he need help or was he still angry? "We're here."

"You can wait outside if you want."

"I can at least walk you to the door!" He couldn't leave Jensen to wind his way through the cars, up the stairs and into whatever hid behind the building's doors.

"Fine, maybe you'll get the hint this time!"

Jeff didn't respond. Fine, let Jensen keep pretending Jeff would leave as soon as he saw how broken he was. Jensen just didn't realize how much that insulted Jeff. Did he think he only stayed this morning for breakfast?

Inside the center, Jeff noticed the patients were, for the most part, much older than Jensen. They'd walked through a hallway that had branched off to other offices, but Jensen had led them unerringly to the correct door. Jeff wondered just how descriptive that ear cam was. He stumbled after Jensen into a small waiting area, with chairs taken up by people flipping through holomags.

"Hello, Jensen. Come on in, Julie is waiting for you." The receptionist led Jensen through into the gym-like area that lay beyond.

Jeff sat in a free seat and wished he'd brought a holomag or a book.

***

Jensen had come to know Julie Gonzalo pretty well in the six months he'd been back on Earth. She had a bubbly, perky voice and Jensen always pictured her as a flirty blond. Of course he had always been too shy to actually ask her what she looked like, especially when she knew his body so intimately.

Jared had been the one to set this all up. After he'd snatched Jensen out of the Corps hospital there had been one doctor after another. His brother had been there through every surgery, every therapist appointment, trying to find the best treatment. Jensen was grateful for it, for all of it.

He couldn't understand why he was chafing at Jared's hovering now.

"Anything bothering you lately, Jensen?" Julie asked.

Jensen flexed his fingers and let his shoulders slump forward. "I had panic attack last night and my hands seized up."

"May I examine them?"

He nodded and let her take his hands in hers. Julie always asked before she touched him. She knew his history and respected that he couldn't see. "How do they feel this morning?"

"Stiff. Sore. Like they were three weeks ago." He was frustrated. It had seemed like he finally turned the corner, that his hands were getting better instead of plateauing. When he needed his hands for so much of his input about the world, having them out of commission was worse than terrible.

"You know this can happen, Jensen. That's why we assign you the exercises." She gently placed his hands back on his lap. "I'd hoped we'd do some work on your feet today. But I want to get those hands in the OT machine while you do that."

Great, another hour of him picking up marbles with his toes and putting them in a container. It was hard enough with the lack of sensation in his feet, never mind that he couldn't actually see either marbles or the container.

Every day he had to fight to not sink into the darkness of what had been done to his body. Jensen had done everything he could to walk again, to find his way despite being blind, even riding again despite his damaged feet and hands. But the one thing he hadn't worked on was probably the one thing Jeff wanted most from him.

Jensen knew Julie didn't provide that kind of help. But he might know someone who did. First he needed to address his lack of a personal comm unit and that was something Jeff could help with.


	3. Chapter 3

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

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[bdsm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bdsm), [bigbang 2010](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bigbang%202010), [for the heart i once had](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/for%20the%20heart%20i%20once%20had), [ja/jdm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/ja/jdm), [my fic](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/my%20fic), [rps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/rps), [sex corps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/sex%20corps)  
  
  
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**For The Heart I Once Had (3/12)**   
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Adrianne walked into the house, surprised when Jared's dogs galloped into the room and tackled her. Jared never had them inside when Jensen was around, and she hadn't seen Jensen out riding when she'd driven around the ranch loop. Of course, she didn't have Jensen's schedule memorized like Jared did. Who knew where her future brother-in-law was?

"Jared?" she called.

"Hey, you're early." Jared came down the steps, his hair wet and curling around the ends. It made him look younger and reminded her of the boyish man she'd fallen for back in college. "Just got back from a run with the dogs." He shooed the dogs out of his way to give her a quick little kiss.

"Sounds like fun. Where's Jensen?"

Adrianne had no idea what she'd said to cause the dark cloud to descend on Jared's face.

"He's at PT." Jared turned away, moving towards the closet next to the entryway, which he pulled open.

"All right, and you left him there and came home?" Adrianne had had a long trip. She was tired and in desperate need of a shower herself.

Jared pulled a delivery box out of the closet as he turned. "No. We have a houseguest. Someone from the Corps snuck past the gates while the delivery guy dropped this off yesterday."

Adrianne plucked the box out of his hands. "My fabric! It finally came!" She sat on the couch and slid her thumb under the flap labeled 'open here' on the edge of the box. "So what exactly happened? Someone snuck in and you didn't send them packing?"

He folded his arms over his chest and continued to scowl. "I tried. But Jensen heard us talking. Apparently this guy and Jen were together once."

"Ah." Adrianne looked up from her box. "Trying to rekindle an old flame?"

Jared had knelt to scratch behind Sadie's ears. Harley had grabbed one of the couch pillows for lack of an actual dog toy and was pushing it against Jared's side, probably hoping he'd throw it across the room so he could chase it. Despite being surrounded by his puppies, Jared still looked miserable.

"Fuck if I know. Jensen tried to spend the night with him."

Adrianne could feel her jaw dropping. "Jared! That's wonderful!"

Jared shook his head. "Jen had a panic attack right after. I had to sedate him."

Damn it. She'd had so much hope for Jensen's progress. He'd seemed so much better lately, so much so that Adrianne thought he might even be bored with nothing to focus on but his therapy and his riding. It wasn't like Jared would share any of the ins and outs of managing the ranch, though he did pretend to, giving Jensen tasks he thought his brother could handle.

"Besides," Jared continued, "Who knows what that guy really wants? He might just be trying to get into Jensen's pants to get him back into the Corps."

"Ok, now that sounds like a viable plan." Adrianne didn't think Jared got the sarcasm when he just nodded. "Jared, not everyone in the Corps is out to get you or Jensen."

"So, what the heck is in the box?" Jared finally gave in and started to tug the pillow out of Harley's mouth. Adrianne was damn glad she hadn't gone high end on the furniture in the main room.

"Fabric samples. For the wedding." If they ever agreed to a date, never mind a location or something so simple as color choices.

"And you couldn't have looked at a holo of them?" Jared won the tug of war and tossed the pillow across the room, Harley scampering after it.

She let out a breath of air. "You can't feel holos. This way, Jensen can be a part of the planning." Adrianne lifted a strip of patterned forest green fabric. "They're tactile."

"I don't think Jensen needs to be bothered with the wedding plans."

That was when she lost it. "Are you sure you want to be bothered with actually marrying me?"

"Dri! What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know Jared!" She stood up, letting the box fall onto the couch. "I mean, I understood when Jensen was missing! But he's back now and doing really well! There's no reason for you to keep avoiding it!"

"How can you say that? Jensen needs me. For God's sake, Dri, he's blind!"

"And that's not going to change any time soon, Jared! Are you saying you never want to get married?"

Jared opened his mouth, but before he could speak Harley dropped the pillow and began barking. Sadie joined in and both dogs ran towards the door, tails wagging so fast they were almost a blur.

Adrianne grinned at Jensen as he came through the door, following by an incredibly good-looking older man. He was not who she expected when Jared mentioned an old flame of Jensen's, but as soon as he walked in she could tell just from how he looked at Jensen that this was more than just a Corps mission. She saw love in those eyes, love and genuine concern as Jensen was sniffed and jumped on by Jared's giant beasts.

"Harley, down! Sadie!" Jared pulled them both back by their collars. They were good dogs, really, but they got to see Jensen so rarely they always freaked out at his presence.

"Hey, Jensen," Adrianne said, so Jensen would know she was there.

He grinned in her direction. "Hey, Dri. Come and give me a hug."

She embraced him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. He felt like he'd gained some weight, despite still looking so gaunt in the face. "How was therapy? They work you hard?"

"They always do." He turned and gestured towards the other man. "Adrianne this is Jeff Morgan. Jeff, this is Adrianne Palicki, Jared's fiancé."

The name clicked in her mind and Adrianne blurted out: "You're the Jeff Morgan?"

She would have expected Jared to know this, know who Jeff was, but she remembered that back in college Jared used to shy away with anything doing with Alfani. Even during the memorial services he'd go off and hide by himself, lost in the memory of his dead family.

Jeff ran a hand through his hair and looked a bit sheepish. "I honestly prefer just Jeff. Nice to meet you, Adrianne." He offered his other hand.

She shook it, noting his strong grip. "Glad to meet you, too."

"Wait, what did you mean? He's famous?" Jared stopped wrangling with the dogs long enough to ask.

"It's not important," Jeff said. "It was a long time ago."

"Jeff rescued a bunch of civilians off of Alfani before it exploded." Jensen was the one to break the silence.

Adrianne touched her lips, not sure how Jared would react. He never talked about it, but she knew it was because of his parents' death  - and needing to pay for treatment for Jared's genetic illness - that Jensen had joined the Sex Corps. Oh Jared, do you still blame yourself?

Jared cleared his throat. "I'm glad someone did."

Jeff twisted his lips, as if acknowledging it was the best Jared could give him at the moment. Adrianne wondered what he really thought about it. Jeff had been paraded around in the news media for months after it had happened, then disappeared once the next battle or scandal had hit the feeds. Jared had needed to file a legal proceeding to keep the media away from Jensen, otherwise Adrianne suspected Jensen would have gotten the same treatment. Only Jensen couldn't go back to quietly serving the military until the media got bored

"You guys are a little late," Jared said, not looking up at them. He still had his hand wrapped around Harley's collar, though Sadie sat patiently at his side. "Did you end up getting lost after all?"

"We stopped in town," Jensen answered, prodding a bit with his cane as he moved towards the stairs. "I wanted to pick up a new portable comm. Funny thing, Jared, the guy at the store told me my old code was inactive. Good thing I went, huh?"

Adrianne was glad Jensen couldn't see the stricken look on Jared's face. No one could mistake the guilt in his eyes. But she did note that Jeff kept his gaze on Jared and nodded, as if confirming what he had already thought.

Jared, what have you done?

***

Jensen stroked his fingers along his new personal comm unit as he sat curled up on his bed. He'd told everyone he needed a nap after PT, and while that was sort of true, he wanted to test out his new toy. His finger brushed the one button on the device, the rubbery surface feeling delightful in its contrast to the hardness of the rest of the unit.

He'd been more than a little uncomfortable when the salesclerk had recognized Jensen as soon as he'd walked into the store. Jensen hadn't realized how much his name had spread, but thanks to Jeff finally telling him who exactly he'd killed, Jensen knew why. Jared might have saved him from the public eye, but he'd kept him ignorant and Jensen hated not having the proper intel.

He took a deep breath before pushing the button and hearing the whirring noise that meant voice controls were activated. "Make call. Sophia Bush." All of his saved codes were still there in his account. The annoying little sales guy had been at turns starstruck and obsequious, but at least he'd fixed Jensen's damn code. Nobody made decisions for Jensen, not anymore.

The comm beeped right before it connected. "Oh stars, Jensen?"

If he could see, there would be the hologram of her right in front of him. He could have set it for mini or natural size and then it would be like having one of his closest friends in the room with him. But Jensen hadn't even enabled the holo function. It didn't matter. That didn't mean that she couldn't see him. He'd left the camera on.

"Hey, Bush. You look as beautiful as ever."

"Jensen." He could hear the irritation in her voice. He missed being able to joke with people like this.

"Okay, so I can't see you, but I bet it's still true."

"I haven't heard from you in months. How are you doing? You actually . . . you look pretty good."

He flushed at her words. "Thank you. How . . . How is Tom doing?"

The last time he'd been around Tom, they were at Mike's funeral. Jensen had been in a hoverchair pushed by Jared, in no condition to do any kind of walking himself. The sun had been too hot, the air thick with pollen and the scent of grass. He couldn't even remember whatever the hell the minister had said at the fake grave they'd put up at Arlington II.

"Honestly, Jen. Not very good." She let out a sigh. "Instead of getting better, it's getting worse."

At least Jensen could say he was getting better. Every day he was a little stronger, the nightmares a little further away. Now, there was Jeff, and Jensen had more of a reason to work towards being well.

"I'm sorry, Soph. If there was anything I could do. . . " Jensen trailed off. There was nothing he could do. Tom had just shattered after Mike's death, losing himself in constant pain no matter the consequences. He finally had to be hospitalized, unable to cope with everyday life.

"I'll tell him you asked about him. That'll help."

Jensen rubbed his palms on his thighs, flatting his fingers over his legs. His hands ached, but they ached in a good way and he didn't feel the need to flex each finger to make sure they worked. "I need some advice."

He could hear her hesitate on the other end before she spit out. "Is this about coming back to the Corps?"

"So you knew about that?" Jensen shook his head, knowing she could see it. "Never mind." Course she would know, she'd probably been solicited to get him back, but Jared had blocked all calls that weren't routed through the main house comm. "I never got to talk to you about Jeff."

There'd been so little time when Jensen had landed back on Earth. He'd been so out of it, lost in darkness and pain before Jared dragged his ass down to Texas.

"Jeff?"

"Commander Jeff Morgan. Retired." Jensen bit his lip. "I worked with him on the 328 mission."

"I know, Jensen." Her voice was gentle. Sophia had gone off the active duty roster earlier than the rest of their group and had gotten assigned to dispatching and intel. She might even have been the one to send him to Harmony.

"He's here. Staying at the ranch." Jensen cleared his throat. "He wants me."

"And that's a problem?"

Jensen rubbed at his eyes, they felt itchy and dry. They shouldn't give him this much trouble when they weren't doing any damn work. "Fuck, of course that's a problem, Sophia. He wants, I don't know, a relationship, I guess? And I can't even. . . I sucked him off and then I ended up in the fetal position."

"Jensen!"

"You know, Soph. I've been through so fucking much, and this is what breaks me? If I can't even sleep with someone when I want to. . . " Jensen did want Jeff. He'd missed the other man so much while in captivity. But they'd ended before they'd even begun.

"Jensen," Sophia interrupted. "You remember taking 'Surviving Sexual Trauma' with me, right?"

He choked off a laugh. "We used to make fun of that class. We thought we could fucking shrug anything off and keep going." Keep letting people fuck him, use his body whether as a slave or a whore, anything the UP asked of him. For most of his career, Jensen had done just that. He'd been raped, whipped, sold, and kidnapped. Jensen could always take back control, choose someone to sleep with and be in charge of the encounter.

"We're not 19 anymore, Jen."

"No." Hard to believe that was fourteen years ago. He and Sophia, Mike and Tom, they'd all been assigned to the same barracks and became fast friends. Even through their tours of duty they kept in touch, though in the last few years those times were few and far between. And now no one would ever see Mike again. "And I don't exactly have my textbook handy."

When she spoke again it sounded almost as if she were on the verge of tears. "There are no easy answers, Jen. Give it time. And if you want him back, there are techniques, things you can do to channel positive thoughts. I won't say you'll never freak out again, but they help."

Sophia had never spoken about why she had transferred out of active duty. Jensen had guessed it had something to do with a similar situation, but he'd never asked.

"I want to try," he told her.

"I'll send you some docs," she promised. "Your comm can read text aloud, right?"

"It sounds a little like a drunk porn star, but yeah."

Sophia laughed, and he grinned, glad to change things up a little. "Thank you," he told her before saying goodbye. It had felt so good to talk to her again. Sometimes he thought only another scut could understand. Jensen had been trained to be a master of the sexual arts, to not break in the face of abuse. But now the arts had been used against him.

Not any more. Jensen squared his shoulders. He would be in control again.

***

Jared supposed that Venusian takeout would have to do again. They'd certainly ordered enough of it yesterday and it wasn't like he had any time today to think about cooking dinner. He wasn't even sure what groceries they needed and made a mental note to place an order.

Even though he still left most of the ranch managing in the hands of the employees who'd done it for the Corps when they owned it, it seemed like Jared still had a million questions to answer every day. He'd kept the old staff on at first because Jared didn't know a damn thing about running a ranch. Even with their support it just seemed to take up so much of his time, when he wasn't worrying about Jensen at least.

He admitted that part of him worried Jeff would spirit Jensen away, back to the Atlantic base and his Corps life. That's why he'd called the PT office to make sure they'd arrived and to let him know when they'd left.

Adrianne came in while he was heating up the takeout. "That's the best we can do for dinner?"

He shrugged as he started pulling out the plates. "It's the best I can do right now."

She put a hand on his arm and stopped him from setting the table. Jared looked at her, waiting for her to speak. Her eyes were narrowed. "Jared, you look exhausted."

"It's been a rough few days."

"It's more than that. How long do you think you can keep this up without help?"

Before he could ask what she meant by that, they heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Jared pulled away and finished setting the table. He had to make sure everything would be in the right place for Jensen to find it.

"I love leftover take out," Jensen said as he crossed the threshold. He took a deep breath. "And that place in town does a mean Coronae pasta."

"It's yours," Jared offered. "I put a bowl of it right next to your plate."

Jensen frowned and Jared wondered if there was something else he'd wanted instead. But he didn't say anything as he found his seat. He'd left his cane somewhere, but wore the ear cam fortunately. Otherwise Jared would just have to have a talk with him about leaving it off again.

Jeff had come with him. The man seemed to take up the entire doorway and Jared knew he wasn't that big. Just seeing him made Jared grind his teeth together. He still couldn't figure him out. What the hell did Morgan want? And how could Jared keep Jensen safe from the fallout?

"Where'd you hide the dogs?" Jeff asked as he took the empty chair next to Jensen.

"Jared keeps them fenced in out back," Adrianne said, grabbing a glass of water before sitting down. "They've got a little shelter with air conditioning and a running water fountain."

His cheeks burned at her words. "It would be cruel otherwise. I can't keep them in the house all the time." When he inherited the ranch, thanks to Jen's machinations, Jared had gotten the dogs nearly as soon as they moved in. He'd always wanted one, and two were better. But they were just so rambunctious, he couldn't let them run freely through the house and possibly hurt Jensen.

Thinking of Jensen made him ask, "How was your nap? Do you think you slept long enough?"

Adrianne kicked him under the table and Jared frowned at her. She made a face at him in return.

"I'm fine," Jensen said, hopefully with no clue about the byplay between Jared and Dri. He started to dig into his pasta and Jared was just glad he was eating real food again.

Jeff speared himself a few chicken medallions from the communal plate. "So, I hear you two kids are getting married."

Adrianne gave him one of her huge sunny smiles. Jared hadn't seen one of those in a long time. "Well, we're hardly kids, but yes."

"Jensen hasn't mentioned when. You've been engaged for a while, right?"

Stars, was Jeff the master of awkward questions? Jared stabbed his fork into his piece of steak and sliced at it with hard, fast motions. "We haven't agreed on a place yet," he said, ignoring the hurt look Adrianne shot his way.

"Well, I'd think you would want to have it right here," Jeff said, his voice an exaggerated drawl that Jared just knew was put on. "I mean, from what I've seen of this ranch, it's absolutely beautiful. You shouldn't have any trouble fitting all your guests here."

Adrianne tilted her head. "That's an idea. We can hire a caterer. I could do all the decorating myself. . ."

"Maybe even have a horse theme." Jensen grinned. "Leather and buckles everywhere."

Jared didn't understand why Jeff choked on his meal at that point. "That would be ridiculously expensive, we'd have to pay the staff overtime. Think of the cleanup!"

"Jared, come on. It wouldn't be any more expensive than renting a hall for a sit down dinner." She should know, she'd been the one doing the scoping out of places. Jared just couldn't scare up any interest in wedding plans at all.

"You are also entitled to one of the chapels on a military base," Jeff said. "I could look into that for you if you like. I mean, if finding a location is what you're waiting for."

Jensen dropped his fork onto his plate. "What they're waiting for is me."

He got up and left them at the table. Jared pushed his chair out, about to go after him, when Adrianne put her hand on his arm again. "Don't."

"Why the hell not?" he snapped at her.

"Because you're only making things worse! How do you think it makes him feel? You won't even think about anything but him."

"That's not true."

"Really? Wasn't your leave from the hospital supposed to end last week?"

Jared shook his arm out from under her hand, his food turning sour in his belly. "I requested an extension. It doesn't matter, he needs me."

"Jared. . ." She trailed off.

Jeff still sat in his chair, though he'd stop eating and only watched them with a raised eyebrow. Jared wanted to slap the expression off of his face. "Are you happy now?" Jared snapped before leaving the kitchen. "We were doing just fine before you showed up."

"Obviously." Jeff's expression didn't change.

Jared found he couldn't look at either of them anymore and stormed outside. At least his dogs still appreciated him.

***

Jeff knocked on Jensen's bedroom door a few hours after dinner. That should be enough time for Jensen to be alone. He knew there were things he needed to say to Jensen, and he'd better get them out now before this went much farther.

"It's Jeff," he said after a moment. Maybe Jensen didn't want to see him right now.

"Come in," Jensen called.

He entered to find Jensen lounging among several large pillows on his bed, wearing a pair of loose fitting pants and a too-large t-shirt. His feet were bare, toes curling in the soft looking fabric of the comforter. It was the first time Jeff had seen the scars here too, like knots on the top and sole of each foot. He ached to see them, wondering how Jensen could even stand. Jensen's hair was damp, as if he'd just gotten out of the shower and he pulled an earpiece out as Jeff walked in.

"Did I interrupt something?"

Jensen shook his head. "I was just listening to some audio books Sophia sent me."

"Anything good?"

He didn't understand the bitter smile that crossed Jensen's face. "Depends on how you define good."

Then it probably wasn't anything Jensen wanted to talk about. Jeff closed the door behind him and moved to the center of the room. He clasped his hands behind his back, feeling a little bit like he was about to get a dressing down from an Admiral. "I wanted to say I was sorry."

Jensen blinked at him, looking for all the world as if he were trying to look at Jeff, even when Jeff knew that was impossible. "For talking about the wedding? Don't be. Someone has to kick Jared's ass about that."

"No." Jeff clenched his hands into fists as he said, "For not fighting both the UP and the Confed to come and find you."

Jensen opened his mouth to speak and then shut it. He licked his lips. "You know, Jeff, I think you of all people could have actually done it."

Jeff was surprised into letting out a laugh. "I almost punched Major Tappen over it. He wanted to mutiny, take over the Mercury and go after you."

"Didn't think Tappen cared that much." Jensen grinned, softening his words.

Jeff moved closer, crouching down so he was eyelevel with Jensen instead of staring down at him. He ached to touch him. "He's changed since he became Ian's sub. Jen, I." He swallowed, fighting to get this out. Jeff had to confess it all if they had any hope of making a future together. "I scened with another sub on Harmony."

Jensen snorted. "You think I'm going to call you on that? All the people I fucked in the name of duty. . ."

"It felt wrong," Jeff blurted. "To be someone else's Dom for even a minute."

"Oh, Jeff."

"Can I touch you?" It hurt too much not to touch when Jeff could see the pain in Jensen's eyes.

Jensen nodded, licking his lips again as Jeff moved closer. He cupped Jensen's face between his hands, stroking the slightest hint of stubble that graced his cheeks.

Jensen trembled beneath his touch, almost vibrating. "I want you to touch me, Jeff. I do. This shouldn't be so hard."

"Shh. It's not your fault." Jeff pressed their lips together, wanting to see if a gentle kiss helped. Surely that couldn't be confused for an attack? But he had no idea exactly what had been done to Jensen during his captivity.

Jensen's eyelashes fluttered, the dark lashes a thick contrast against his pale skin. "I want to try," he gasped as Jeff pulled away. Jensen latched on to Jeff's wrists, keeping him place when Jeff would have let go. "I want this and I'm not going to let them take that from me!"

Jeff smiled. That was his Jensen. "I'll do whatever I can to help." This time Jeff wasn't going anywhere, he wasn't giving up. Jensen wouldn't be able to get rid of him even if he wanted to.

"Even if I tell you to let go?"

"Whatever you need. I mean it, Jen. I'm not giving up." Not this time.

Jensen nodded, but Jeff still didn't know if he was convinced. Jeff would have to prove himself. Jensen patted the side of the bed next to him. "Come sit here with me."

At that very generous offer, Jeff slipped off his shoes and climbed up onto the bed. He was so close to Jensen he could feel the heat from his body, but Jeff refrained from moving that extra inch, not without Jensen's permission.

Jensen hugged his knees to his chest, wiggling his toes as he seemed to get comfortable. Jeff wanted to lick each tiny toe, make his way up Jensen's foot, over his scars and then follow up his legs. He even reached out, pulling his hand back at the last moment. Jeff swallowed down his desire, forcing himself to meet Jensen's eyes, even though the green pupils couldn't make contact with his.

"Why can't they fix your eyes?" he asked. It had been haunting him since seeing Jensen again.

Jensen turned in his direction, tilting his head to one side. "Same reason they can't fix the nerves in my hands and feet. Not really, anyway."

"Let me touch you," Jeff interrupted. "I need to hold you if you're going to tell me this." It was the only way he could offer comfort, since Jeff had missed the chance to rescue Jensen or to help him in his recovery when he arrived on Earth.

Jensen nodded and rolled onto his side, holding a pillow between his arms like a lover. He kept still as Jeff spooned behind him, so they were touching back to chest. Jeff slid one arm around his waist and pressed his lips against the back of Jensen's neck.

Once they were settled he began to speak. "I wasn't just a prisoner of war. I was a slave, and the man in charge of us was obsessed with these experiments."

Jeff's chest hurt. "Experiments," he repeated. 

"I think he was trying to create the perfect sex slave." Jensen trembled under Jeff's arm, although his voice was steady. "He wanted me helpless and on my knees." Jensen reached down with one hand to cover Jeff's. "So when one of the clients in the lounge stabbed me to keep me in place. . ."  
Jeff felt nauseous. Dinner might be making a quick return. He swallowed hard against the bile in his throat. "Oh, Jensen. I should have been there."  
Jensen didn't say anything for a moment. He didn't pull away, for which Jeff was grateful, although if his touch brought back these horrors he'd willingly never touch Jensen again.  
When Jensen finally did speak, anger came through, instead of the despair Jeff expected. "Whatever the hell he did when he healed me? Fucked with my DNA somehow. It makes the nerves want to STAY damaged, no matter what the UP doctors do. They've worked around the ones in my hands, and I'll always have numb feet. But my eyes . . . I don't even want them messing around in there."

"I'm sorry, Jen. Stars, I am so sorry." It almost made the torture Jensen had undergone at the hand of Duke Adrian back on Harmony seem like a cakewalk. Of course, Jensen had walked away from that, whole and in control, not crippled and damaged.  
"I just." Jensen blew out a frustrated breath. "Every time it seems like I'm getting better, I backslide in some way. I'll be walking normally and then I'll trip on a step and that'll give me a limp for a week. I think I'm okay to touch you, to take what I want and then the nightmares come back. . ."  
Jensen rolled onto his back and reached for Jeff, after a moment finding his jaw and stroking the smooth skin there. Jeff had shaved that morning. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the touch. "Is this, is this going to be a problem? You and me like this?"

"Only if I don't take my sleeping pills. If I don't take them I get nightmares and flashbacks." Jensen bit his lip. "I wake up and I can't see. I don't know where I am, and I think, I think I'm still there and I never got out."

Jeff pulled Jensen close, peppering his face with kisses. He couldn't help nipping at Jensen's full lips, ready to draw back if he felt Jensen tremble at all. "You're here with me, Jen. And I'm not letting you go again."

"You gotta be sure, Jeff." Jensen closed his eyes, but didn't pull away. He kissed Jeff back, whispering, "I can't do this if I think you're going to walk away."

"I walked away from the Corps for you, Jen. That's more than I did for my wife." Jeff closed his eyes this time, touching his forehead to Jensen's. "I don't have anything else."

He couldn't tell if Jensen believed him. Jeff knew by experience that only his actions would prove himself to Jensen now. Before he could promise anything, a knock at the door interrupted them. He pulled away, untangling himself reluctantly from Jensen's limbs, though he didn't move from the bed.

"Jen? It's Jared!"

"Son of a bitch, that kid has bad timing," Jeff muttered under his breath.

He heard Jensen laugh before calling out: "Come on in, Jare."

Jared walked in and Jeff could see the concern turn to anger in those puppy dog eyes. He didn't say anything to Jeff though, ignored the fact that he was there at all. "Just making sure you take your meds."

Jeff pushed himself to his feet. "Your brother is a grown man, you should treat him like one!"

"You don't know a damn thing about it! You weren't here when they brought him back!" Jared moved away from the door, his hands clenched into fists at his side as he got up in Jeff's face.

For the first time Jeff saw a crack in Jared's armor of anger and frustration. There were tears forming in those eyes. "No, I wasn't," he agreed. "But I'm here now."

"Nobody asked for you to just show up and fuck everything to hell. Jen was doing just fine without you!"

"Jared, Jeff!" Jensen struggled to his feet. He moved forward, reaching out until his hand managed to make contact with Jeff's back. "Jeff, yes, I'm a grown man, so you have to let me fight my own battles."

Jeff looked at the floor, ashamed. Jensen was right, damn it. He couldn't just rush in here and try to fix everything.

"Jared," Jensen reached out with his other hand and Jared came to take it. Jensen pulled his brother close for a hug, letting go of Jeff. "Jared, you gotta trust me now. I'm not your patient. I'm your brother. Jeff is important to me, and I get to make that decision. Not you."

"Jensen. . ."

"And if I forget to take my meds, I'm the one who suffers. I know the consequences, so I'm going to take them, all right? But you can't keep hiding things from me. I'm never gonna be 100%, we both know that. I can handle it now, I promise."

Jared squeezed Jensen so tight Jeff worried for a moment. He nodded and pulled away before speaking, "I trust you, Jen. I do."

"Good. Now get your ass in bed. I have it on good authority that you've got a hot blond waiting for you."

Jared choked out a laugh, those tears still brimming though they never did quite manage to fall. "Good night, Jensen."

"Night, Jared."

Jensen waited till the door clicked shut behind Jared before turning. Jeff moved so he was actually in the direction Jen faced. Without his earpiece, Jensen probably had to guess.

"I'm going to send you to your room, too." Jensen's shoulders slumped forward. "I'm tired and, damn it, I need to sleep tonight."

No more flashbacks. Jeff understood. He touched Jensen's arm and placed a kiss on his forehead. "I'll be here in the morning." It was a promise.

***

Adrianne startled awake, surprised by Jared's weight on the bed, how he'd pulled her close to him not even noticing she had fallen asleep. Traveling always took a lot out of her. She missed her own bed and Jared's huge, warm presence.

"Jared?" She murmured, still not quite awake.

"Dri," he said against her hair. His words were muffled, but he sounded upset.

She tried to roll over, to ask him what was wrong, but he held her tight. "Hon?"

"Let's do it. Let's have the wedding here."

She felt the tears fill her eyes, just as they did when he'd first proposed to her. "Yes, Jared, oh yes."


	4. Chapter 4

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

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[bdsm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bdsm), [bigbang 2010](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bigbang%202010), [for the heart i once had](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/for%20the%20heart%20i%20once%20had), [ja/jdm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/ja/jdm), [my fic](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/my%20fic), [rps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/rps), [sex corps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/sex%20corps)  
  
  
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**For The Heart I Once Had (4/12)**   
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Jeff never would have guessed that in his retirement, he'd find himself using his command skills as an impromptu wedding planner, but in the days that followed his talk with Jensen, Jeff had been roped into Adrianne's planning. He found that it was really no different than managing his crew on the Mercury, other than there was a lot more cake-tasting involved. It also gave him an excuse to get out of the riding lessons Jensen insisted on. No matter how much Jen loved those horses, Jeff still didn't see the attraction to climbing onto the beasts and being jostled around the ranch. Give him a good, dependable ship any day.

"Jeff, do you have anyone to add to the guest list?" Adrianne looked up from her work. She sat at the kitchen table, typing onto a flat keyboard while a holoprojector flickered into being the faces of each of the guests she added to her list.

He sat across from her, wondering why she did this here instead of in the more comfortable living room. "Why would I have anyone to add?"

She pursed her lips as she frowned, giving her a sort of pout. "Any friends or coworkers you'd like to invite."

"Adrianne, it's not my wedding."

"Well, you're Jensen's significant other. You're practically family." She flipped through her list again, the faces cycling so quickly Jeff didn't know how she processed them all. "And Jared and Jensen have so little actual family."

At least Adrianne liked him. Jared still hadn't quite warmed to Jeff and had made his presence scarce over the past few days. He repeatedly told Adrianne just to tell him when to show up and he'd be there. Today he and Jensen had gone to be fitted for tuxedos, which Jeff supposed had really been to get them both out of the house and away from the excessive planning.

"I think you're jumping the gun a bit with me and Jen." They still slept in separate bedrooms, although each night Jeff was able to indulge in touching and kissing Jensen. He'd tried to push it a little too quickly in the beginning, sliding his hand down Jensen's pants without warning first. Jensen had retreated, his entire body shaking. For a moment Jeff had worried he'd need to ask Jared for help again and that would only sink him further in Jared's eyes.

Jensen had taken several deep breaths, one hand held out to keep Jeff away, and took control. They hadn't needed to resort to the sedatives. The techniques Jensen had told him about were working. Jeff had high hopes to be able to move further very soon.

Adrianne gave him a look through narrowed eyes that made Jeff want to blush. "Then how would you define it?"

He inclined his head, giving her the point. "There's got to be a better word than 'significant other'." There had been another word, back on Harmony - Dom. Jensen had said he didn't know if he could ever be a sub again, but Jeff could still take on the responsibilities of a Dom, making sure Jensen's needs were met without overwhelming him.

"You're both too old for boyfriend." She tapped her chin, deep in thought.

"He's just . . . mine," Jeff blurted, unable to describe all that lay between him and Jensen. Maybe they did go beyond traditional labels. He thought of the collaring ceremony back on Harmony, the way Major Tappen had looked when his Ian had placed the collar around his neck. Was that so very different from a wedding?

Adrianne grinned at him, a glowing smile that she must have used to get Jared to fall in love with her. "That's sweet. But you still didn't answer my question. Guests? Especially people that Jensen might want but didn't suggest?"

Ah! There it was. Of course Jensen wouldn't want to give any Corps names, not when Jared was so against anyone else from the military. But Jensen had been in the service for over ten years, and Jeff knew from experience how that limited your circle of friends.

Jeff would have to check on when the Mercury was due back in deep space. There might be a few people Jensen wouldn't be averse to meeting again. "There are few names from our mission together. I just have to check if they're on planet when you're getting married."

"After all this time and it's only four weeks away!"

He grinned back at her, her joy infectious. "Who else you got from the Corps?"

She queued up a list. Jeff watched the faces fly by as Adrianne said each of their names. "Major Sophia Bush, Captain Tom Welling. Colonel Samantha Smith. I've been debating about General Ferris all morning."

"Ferris? Why?" Jeff sat up straight, a trickle of sweat pooling at the back of his neck.

"She was Jensen's mentor. That's how he described her to me once, anyway. I'm not sure if he still likes her. Those relationships can turn ugly fast."

"Sounds like the voice of experience."

Adrianne rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah. It's way in the past though. I'm not going to dwell on it."

She didn't seem like the type of person who did. Good, they had enough brooders around the ranch.

"Good for you. I'll write up my list and send it to your comm code. That work?"

"Perfect." She tapped the keyboard, wiping away the holos of the guests. "I still have to choose my dress. The timeline on that is getting tight."

"Stars, you're not asking me for advice, are you?" Jeff could feel the blood draining from his face. If she was anything like his sisters, the selection process could take weeks!

The holo brightened up again, this time showing a sunny blond model in an extremely poofy white gown. "Well, at least let me bounce some ideas off of you."

"You ARE asking me for advice!"

The girl had the audacity to giggle. "Well I certainly can't ask Jared. Or Jensen." She frowned. "And my mom wants something traditional that would just make me look like a giant marshmallow. I'm thinking about not wearing white at all. Maybe something pink."

"Remember you are going to be outside," Jeff said absently, pulling the keyboard out of her hands. He didn't think about what he was doing as he logged into his account and found the folder marked 'wedding holos.' There wasn't even a preview photo on the little folder icon hovering in the middle of the table. Jeff touched it with his fingers and the holos started. "My wife, Katie, wore red. She was born in the Confed and it's the custom out there."

"Still is some places here, too," Adrianne said, eyes widening as Jeff flipped through the roll.

His chest hurt and Jeff felt like he couldn't breathe. He watched as Katie's smiling face appeared in holo after holo. Her gown had been deep scarlet, with careful golden embroidery that glittered in the sunlight. It had made her skin glow, not that anything could match the brightness of her smile.

"You look happy," Adrianne said as Jeff stopped on a holo where he stood next to his wife, both standing at the altar in the base chapel. They were surrounded by red and white flowers, roses and the bright camelias that Katie had loved.

If we had only known, he thought. "She's been dead four years," he said, mouth dry. God, he needed a drink.

Adrianne took the keyboard back and shut the connection down completely. "I'm sorry."

"You kids seize whatever happiness you can," he told her. "Don't let anything come between you. Not your job, not his. Not even Jensen or me. You understand?"

Her eyes glittered. "I understand."

***

"How does it feel?" Jared asked, tucking the collar of the jacket down around Jensen's neck.

He took a step back to admire the way the tuxedo fit his brother. Jensen's broad shoulders filled out the lines of the jacket. The dark color only enhanced the brightness of his eyes and the pale tones of his face, even with his newly acquired tan. Whenever he'd imagined his wedding, Jared imagined his brother beside him, just like this. He wished their parents could be there to see them both.

Jensen pulled at the tie, ruining the debonair illusion as he loosened the carefully tied knot. "It pinches." He let go of the tie and rubbed at the sleeves. "And it's scratchy."

Holograms could never convey the way fabric felt or how it would drape over your body. So Jared had taken a page out of Adrianne's book, dragging Jensen out here to try on these tuxes and feel for himself whether one was more comfortable than another. Before that night a few weeks ago now, Jared would have picked out what he thought would be the best for Jensen's skin.

Damn him, but Morgan was right. Jensen was an adult. Jared had long valued his brother's opinion, had trusted him to guide Jared's entire life. He'd gotten too accustomed to being the caretaker and had forgotten he'd been anything but Jensen's doctor. They'd had a long talk after that night Jared decided to take Morgan's advice and have the wedding on the ranch. Jared had promised to try.

"I'll tell Martina that. Maybe she has something a bit softer." Jared frowned.

"You know I really should just wear my dress reds." Jensen carefully slipped out of the jacket, folding it over one arm.

Jared bit his lip. He hadn't even thought of that. "Do you. . . do you want to wear your uniform?"

To his relief Jensen grinned at him. "Good start, bro."

"I'm trying." And he was. Really. It was just hard, especially when he had to watch Jensen find his way with his white cane, or rub at his hands as if they pained him.

"I know you are." Jensen did that thing where he tried to look at Jared, but his eyes didn't quite focus. It made Jared's heart ache even more. "And since it's your wedding, I'll wear the tux. No promises when it's my turn. I might even make you wear pink!"

At that reminder of the man waiting back at the ranch, Jared's mood darkened. "Jensen," he whispered, "You can't be thinking of? Really? Him?"

Jensen's eyes sparked, which Jared could never explain how Jensen showed so much life through eyes that couldn't see. "You don't even know him, Jared."

"Sleeping with someone doesn't mean you know them either."

"Damn it, don't you think I of all people understand that?" Jensen struggled to keep his voice low. Jared checked over the top of the changing room door just to make sure their salesclerk wasn't standing there listening in. He didn't want to make a scene at the store.

"All right," Jared interrupted. He'd promised to try, and even if he worried Morgan was taking advantage of Jensen, he had to trust Jensen's judgment. "Then explain it to me? What's so fantastic about Commander Morgan?"

Jensen shook his head. He reached out and put his hands on Jared's chest, as if needing the contact. "That's your problem right there. You keep seeing the Corps as a bad thing."

"I saw what the Corps did to you."

"Gave me a purpose? Showed me the stars?" Jensen smiled. "Jeff is so much more than just 'Commander Morgan.' He has his flaws, sure, any person does. But I've never met anyone who cares as much as he does. He's an amazing leader, dedicated and loyal. And he understands me, knows what I need even before I do."

"You sound like you love him," Jared murmured. Jensen's entire face changed, lit up in a way Jared hadn't seen ever. Jeff Morgan had done that, broken Jensen out of the closed up shell he'd been since coming back to Earth. Hell, Jensen had started shutting down before his capture, if Jared really thought about it.  The Corps had taken so much from him.

"Have you listened to him talk? Man's got the sexiest voice. . ." Jensen winked.

"Jen, gross!"

Jensen laughed. If Jeff made his brother happy, if he made him laugh like that, well, Jared couldn't hate him. "All right, I'll give him a chance," Jared said after a moment. "And I'll find a tux that's made out of flannel if it kills us."

He smiled to himself as Jensen's laughter followed him out of the changing room. Jeff wasn't the only person who could make his brother laugh.

***

Jensen listened hard as he worked through his evening stretches. He knew Jeff would come to him before bed, but it had gotten a little ridiculous. Their bedtime seemed to get earlier and earlier. As soon as they'd finished dinner Jensen would yawn and say he was really tired and going to turn in for the night. Jeff would comment about how his riding lessons had really done a number on him and he was heading for bed, too.

He was sure both Jared and Adrianne were rolling their eyes at them. Jensen was just glad Jared seemed to be willing to give Jeff the time of day now. They had a long way to go toward just being friends, but at least it was a start.

The soft knock he'd been expecting finally came at the door. Jensen shifted out of his pose and pulled at his t-shirt, patting himself down to make sure his clothes weren't stuck somewhere embarrassing. Then he realized he was being silly so he just called: "Come in."

"Jen?" Jeff asked as he entered.

"Bedtime is getting earlier and earlier." Jensen grinned. He sat at the edge of the bed, his bare toes digging into the soft carpet, appreciating being able to actually feel the soft fibers against his skin.

The door closed with a click. "Well, is there anything else you'd rather be doing?"

"Hell, no," Jensen didn't expect the raw quality in his voice when he spoke. Jeff's voice did things to him, whether he liked it or not. Just the thought of touching him soon had Jensen's dick thickening. He squirmed, waiting for Jeff to sit next to him for yet another of their epic make out sessions.

Instead of feeling weight on the bed next to him, Jensen felt a hand on his knee. He reached out and made contact with Jeff's soft hair. Jeff knelt before him. "Jeff?"

"Thought of something today when I was helping Adrianne with the wedding planning." Jeff cleared his throat.

"That something the reason you're on your knees?"

Jeff chuckled. "Well, it kinda relates to marriage, yes."

Jensen's belly fluttered with nervousness. They hadn't gone farther than a little groping. Did this mean that Jeff meant to take it further tonight? Was Jensen ready for that? He thought the answer to that just might be yes.

"You'd said you didn't think you could be my sub again. But Jen, that doesn't mean I stopped being your Dom."

Jensen shook his head in denial. "That doesn't make sense!"

"It does." Jeff squeezed a bit tighter. "Your injuries don't absolve me of my responsibilities."

"How long did you spend in Harmony after I left?" That sounded like Harmony rhetoric to him, although Jensen hadn't gotten nearly enough time to spend delving into that city's philosophy.

He'd been rated a submissive back at the academy and Jensen had long accepted that about himself. Ferris hadn't let him fall into the trap of thinking himself weak for needing it. In fact, it had been a powerful asset in his work, enabling him to infiltrate the Confed in a way no one else could. But without having the Corps, did Jensen still need a Dom?

He hadn't liked Jared's hovering, the way his brother had tried to take control of his life. Jensen smirked, thinking it had been like being a sub without the benefit of the sex. For the entire time he was on active duty, Jensen had dreamed of finding his true Dom, the one person who could accept his submission for the gift it was.  For too long he had been using it as a weapon, a part of himself dying each time he did so.

On Harmony, it had been entirely different. Not only did he find an entire planet where submission was revered, Jensen had found himself submitting to Jeff because he wanted to, not just due to the mission. What started out as acting had become real. Jeff had awoken that long buried desire inside of him: Jensen's long time wish of finding someone who understood, who could be his Dom.

"I didn't stay long after you left," Jeff answered, misunderstanding. "And I've only been back to the base site, never within the actual city."

"Jeff." Jensen stroked his fingers along Jeff's cheeks, trailing the five o'clock stubble along his jaw. "You don't need to do this."

"What if I want to?"

Jensen's breath caught in his throat. "That still doesn't make any sense. You can't be my Dom if I can't. . . Jeff, you weren't even into this before you met me."

"What can I say? You made me need something I never knew I wanted." Jeff took Jensen's hands in his and kissed each palm.

Jensen closed his eyes. He could feel Jeff's lips on his skin. Maybe the new drugs were working. "What do you want tonight?"

"Let me give you pleasure." Jeff shifted upwards and caught Jensen's lips in a kiss. He sucked on Jensen's lower lip, making Jensen chase him as Jeff pulled away. "If you want me to stop at any time, just say stop."

"Simple enough safeword."

"We're agreed then?"

"Well, I don't exactly have a contract handy for you to sign, but yeah." Jensen found he was looking forward to whatever Jeff decided to do.

He was disappointed when Jeff pulled away. "Stand up and strip. I want to see you."

Jensen swallowed. Jeff hadn't seen him completely naked. He didn't know about the scars. Fuck, Jensen didn't even know how bad they were. He could only feel them, the vast slivers of raised skin. Who knew how awful they actually looked?

He lifted the edge of his t-shirt and raised it over his head. Then he stood there feeling like an idiot when he didn't know what to do with it. Jensen always made sure everything was in its place; it was the only way he could move confidently around his own bedroom. But he didn't know what Jeff wanted.

"I'll take it." Jeff pulled the shirt away and ended his dilemma.

Jensen took a deep breath, trying to regain his equilibrium. The air felt too cool on his chest and he couldn't shake the feeling of Jeff's eyes on him. He shouldn't feel like this. He never had to strip in front of his captors; he'd been naked since day one. This used to be his trade; Jensen knew how to strip and make it look good.

He supposed just being able to do this for Jeff was victory enough. Jensen hooked his thumbs into the elastic waistband of his sleep pants and pulled them down, over his thickening cock and down past his knees. Jensen kicked them off and hoped Jeff would take care of them too.

"Now what?" he asked.

He felt fingers under his chin, forcing him to tilt his head upward though he still saw nothing but darkness. "I'll tell you what comes next. Have some patience."

"Yes, sir." Jensen meant it as a joke, but the word came out a little breathless. He felt giddy, almost drunk.

"Touch yourself," Jeff said, his voice that low rumble that went straight to Jensen's dick.

He could feel himself pulse under Jeff's words and Jensen flushed, embarrassed.

"Just cup your cock," Jeff continued. "Feel how hard it is under your fingers."

It felt good to touch himself. Jensen's fingers tingled, but for the first time it didn't feel like a stranger touched his cock. He'd been disconnected from his body since he came back home, unable to settle into his own skin. Nothing had felt right and he'd gotten used to dealing with his limited sensation, his inability to get hard.

Now, tiny shocks of pleasure shot out from his fingertips, desire coiling at his center. Jensen struggled not to do more than what Jeff commanded. He wanted to stroke himself, chase completion in a way he hadn't in, fuck, years.

"Take your other hand and tug on your balls. Not too hard, just enough so you feel it."

Jensen did as commanded, whimpering slightly. He trembled at holding this position.

"You stopped shaving," Jeff murmured, almost as if he hadn't meant for Jensen to hear it.

"I could start again," Jensen offered, biting back the word 'sir.'

He felt the fingers trailing down his chest, tweaking each nipple gently, oh so gently. Jensen swallowed.

"Stroke yourself," Jeff told him. "Start slow, pick up some of the nice lube at your slit, make yourself good and slick."

Jensen hadn't even realized he was leaking. He gathered up the precome, surprised that there was enough to coat his cock, make his motions smooth and easy. He let out a moan, unable to contain himself.

"Touch yourself the way you like," Jeff whispered, his voice brushing against Jensen's cheeks.

"I don't remember what I like," Jensen gasped. It was true. He'd bent his desires to so many other wills that he'd forgotten this simple pleasure of touching himself.

"Easy boy, I got you." Jeff's hands stroked down Jensen's abdomen, taking hold of Jensen's cock.

Jensen was so fucking hard, so hard he felt like he'd never be able to come. Want pooled in his belly, especially at Jeff's touch, which scalded Jensen's skin. Jeff jerked him off gently, so gently that it almost hurt.

"Come on, boy," Jeff breathed against Jensen's ear. Jensen could feel the warmth of Jeff's body all along his. He craved that, wanted Jeff with him always.

"Oh," Jensen choked out as sensation flooded through him. He came and it hurt, felt like something deep inside had been set free.

"I got you, I got you," Jeff kept repeating and Jensen didn't understand why until he realized he was flat on his back on the bed.

"Jeff," he murmured, reaching out and holding Jeff to him. He couldn't let Jeff go, not now. Jensen buried his face against Jeff's shoulder, breathing him in. Jeff smelled like dust and sweat and Jensen never smelled anything sweeter. "You need..."

"I'm fine."

Jensen felt like his limbs were jelly, and he couldn't focus. But it didn't matter, because Jeff would take care of everything. Jensen could close his eyes and trust him. Jeff would keep the nightmares away, with his solid presence beside him. He'd been without this sense of safety for a long time and Jensen hadn't known how he had survived.

***

Jeff couldn't stop thinking about last night. Jensen had been so open, so responsive in a way he hadn't been since Harmony. Even when they'd just held each other and kissed, he always felt Jensen kept something back, as if he couldn't give Jeff anymore.

But last night, Jensen had unfolded like a flower, the way he had stripped for Jeff, put himself on display despite everything that had happened to him. Jeff had gotten to touch Jensen, stroke his soft skin and caress his hard cock. He hadn't even noticed the scars until Jensen had asked him, in a sleepy sounding voice, exactly how terrible they looked.

The sad thing was that Jeff could see the artistry in them, the way that Jensen's torturer had cut the lines along Jensen's back, in a parallel pattern that almost matched the remnants of the tattoo that curved along Jensen's side.

They couldn't remove all of it, not after the tracing chemical had been activated and burned its way into Jensen's skin. Jeff didn't care. He slid his hands over each mark, memorizing the planes of Jensen's new body.

This was just the beginning, he thought. Especially when Jensen slept through the night without a panic attack or a flashback. Jeff had woken him around ten to take his meds, just to be sure. But Jeff's touch hadn't hurt him.

Jeff wanted to do something to celebrate. It wasn't the kind of thing you shared with friends and family, though he got a bit of pleasure by imagining Jared's face at the news. Instead he took the opportunity to go with Adrianne to pick up some decorations for the wedding and ended up exploring the specialty shops in Dallas. There he found the perfect gift for Jensen.

Though right now, watching as Jensen sat serenely on the living room couch, oblivious to the world around him under his large headphones, Jeff reconsidered his very clever gift. Swallowing hard, he tapped Jensen on the shoulder.

Jensen smiled as he removed his headphones. Jeff wondered if he were listening to music or more of those audio books Sophia had sent him. "Jeff? That you?"

"Yeah, sweetheart. I got you a present."

Jensen blinked. He wrinkled his nose as if he could smell it. Well, Jeff wouldn't put it past him, really. Jensen had gotten damn good at using his other senses, not wanting to always have to depend on technology just to be able to get around.

"I hope it's something soft?" Jensen said.

"Good guess. Hold still, I'll put it on your lap."

"Jeff, I don't think Jared and Adrianne need to see fuzzy handcuffs . . . oh!" Jensen exclaimed as Jeff put the wriggly, squirming bundle on his lap.

The puppy hopped up on his hind legs and immediately began licking Jensen's chin. Jeff couldn't help himself, he had to reach down and stroke through the soft yellow fur on her back.

It was worth everything to see the expression on Jensen's face. His eyes widened, as if he couldn't quite believe what he held in his hands, and his mouth opened, stretching into a grin as the puppy lapped at his lips.

"You got me a puppy," Jensen tried to sound serious, but failed as he let out little bursts of laughter as he tried to stop the pup from licking. Jensen tucked her under one arm, scratching beneath her chin. "Did you happen to miss the two giants that Jared keeps in the back yard?"

Jeff sat next to Jensen on the couch, squeezing his lover's knee. "This is your dog. Not Jared's, not mine. Just yours."

"Jeff. . ."

"She's special. She's been genetically engineered to bond with one person. And she's smarter, much smarter, than the average dog."

"She's going to give Harley and Sadie a complex, is that what you're saying?"

For a moment Jeff felt tempted to press his lips to Jensen's, to get him to shut up so Jeff could finish explaining. "She can guide you. Fetch anything you want. Get help if you need it. And she's soft and cuddly."

Jensen hugged the puppy closer, stroking her fluffy ears. She nibbled at his hand, but not hard. "I'll have to train her."

"She's guaranteed to train herself."

"Do I even want to know how much this cost you?"

Now Jeff did give in, leaning over to kiss Jensen. "You're not allowed to ask that." Besides, what was retirement for if he couldn't splurge his pension just a little bit? "I've uploaded the instructions file and ownership docs to your comm code."

Jensen smiled at him. It transformed his face, made him look years younger. The harshness faded from his features, the crinkles in the corners of his eyes making him look absolutely adorable. "Thank you."

"Now, what are you going to name her? The instructions say that it's very important for the person to own the dog to give her a name and make sure she knows it."

Jensen held the puppy up, kissing the top of her head. "Mila," he said. "She'll be Mila."

Jeff grinned. "Perfect."

"There's just one thing."

"Oh?"

"You have to be the one to tell Jared."


	5. Chapter 5

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

| 

  
[bdsm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bdsm), [bigbang 2010](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bigbang%202010), [for the heart i once had](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/for%20the%20heart%20i%20once%20had), [ja/jdm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/ja/jdm), [my fic](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/my%20fic), [rps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/rps), [sex corps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/sex%20corps)  
  
  
---|---  
  
_   
**For The Heart I Once Had (5/12)**   
_

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Adrianne looked out the window, watching as the guests made their way past the house to their seats around the wedding arch in the back. If she touched the button on the sill, it would turn the window into a screen, magnifying the view. Her hand hovered over it for a moment before she turned away, not giving in to the temptation.

So many of their friends and family had come to see her and Jared get married. She let out a little giggle, unable to contain her joy for another moment. When she'd first seen that scrawny young man at the track back at college, she had no idea she'd be marrying him now.

Of course, everyone would ask what had taken them so long. Adrianne's usual response was that she had been waiting for Jared to ask. The story was a bit longer than that. They'd broken up just after college, when she first followed her mom's footsteps into politics, not sure she could keep up with the hectic schedule of a medical student. But Adrianne couldn't stay away.

And then there'd been that whole horrible situation with Jensen. She shivered, thinking back to those dark times, when Jared had first seen the news broadcast, the video the Confed sent of their prisoners. Neither of them had expected to see Jensen in the lineup.

"Stop it. Jensen is home. He's fine." Adrianne smoothed down her gown, chasing the dark thoughts away.

She had decided on a blush pink dress that cinched tight around her waist before spilling out in waves of fabric. Delicate metallic embroidery detailed flowers across her chest, designed to sparkle in the sunlight. It mixed tradition with her own style and Adrianne thought she couldn't have found a dress that suited her better. She couldn't wait to see Jared's face when he saw her.

A knock came on the bedroom door just before her mother stuck her head in. "You did remember sunscreen? I wouldn't want your shoulders to burn."

Adrianne laughed. "I'm fine, Mom, I got a sun treatment last week."

"I suppose I don't need this then?" Mom held up the can of spray sunscreen before hiding it behind her back.

"No, Mom."

She turned to the mirror on her dresser, checking her makeup again. Luckily there wasn't any evidence from her late night with the girls, although she could use another coat of lipstick. Why had she let Julie drag her to a male strip club?

Last night Jared had gone out with some friends for an impromptu bachelor party. Chad never passed up an opportunity to get drunk. Despite her concerns about him, Adrianne trusted the saner Gabe to get Jared to the hotel where he'd spent the night. There were some traditions they'd kept to, and not seeing the bride before the wedding was one of them.

Jared had invited Jensen (and Jeff!) to go out with them. Jensen had turned him down gently, saying he wasn't up for a long night before the ceremony. That saved Jared from having to pull one of his overprotective moves.

Adrianne was just glad the brothers were talking openly. Jared had taken a step back, though she could tell every time he bit his tongue to avoid asking if Jensen needed help or if he'd taken his meds for the day. Jensen seemed so happy with Jeff, and even Jared could see that.

"Your cousins are wondering if you're ever coming down."

Adrianne turned away from the mirror. "I just needed a moment alone. I won't get that once I walk down that aisle!"

Mom moved across the room and tucked a lock of Adrianne's curls behind her ear. "You look lovely, hon."

"Oh, Mom, are you crying? Already?"

"I can't help it!"

Adrianne did her best to try to hug her mother, but Mom pulled away. "You'll crush your dress!"

"And you'll ruin your makeup," Adrianne teased gently. She grabbed some tissues and helped her mom blot away the tears without ruining her eye shadow. She waited a moment before asking. "You, you're still okay with Jared, right?"

Mom laughed. "Oh, sweetie, your father said to tell you if you wanted he'd grab the hover car and drive us all back to Ohio if you'd changed your mind about getting married."

"That's sweet. Slightly disturbing, but sweet." Adrianne grinned.

"Well, you know your father." Mom took her hand. "I'm so happy for you, love. He will be your rock and you will be his calm seas."

"Thanks, Mom." Adrianne had to blink back her own tears now. "I think I'm ready to go downstairs now."

"You've got everything? Something borrowed and blue? Old and new?"

"Yes, Mom. There's just one thing . . . "

"Yes, dear?"

"I need to use the bathroom first."

***

Jared straightened his tuxedo jacket for the fifth time. Jensen had been right about the silk, soft and comfortable in the heat. They'd had a brief scare it might rain, even had the weather changer pillars on tap for a rental, but the day dawned bright and sunny, without even a cloud in the true blue sky.

He waited under the arch, where he had a perfect view of everyone staring at him. Jared wasn't used to be the center of attention like this. He'd often gone out of his way to not be noticed, hunching his shoulders to disguise his height. Half of these people were Adrianne's extended family, some he hadn't even met yet. It made his own lack of family seem even more obvious.

With their parents gone, Jared had escorted Sam Smith up to the seat of honor normally for the groom's mother. She had blushed the entire way up the altar, but Jared could think of no better way to respect the woman who'd taken care of him while Jensen was in training.

Jensen stood next to him, looking healthy and flushed, not thin and pale. His brother seemed to be turning the corner, coming out of the shell of himself he had been since his return. And Jared had to give a little of the credit to the man standing just behind Jensen - Jeff Morgan.

Jeff wore his dress uniform, and he wasn't the only one. Jared could spot several more in the crowd, some in blue, others in red. He was glad some of Jensen's friends had come too. Despite everything, he did want Jensen to be happy.

If Jeff was the one to make Jensen happy, then Jared would fight anyone to make sure Jensen got to be with Jeff. He had to admit the man earned lots of credit with Jared when he'd given Mila to Jensen. Jared knew how much Jensen loved animals, but hated how he couldn't be around Harley and Sadie in case they knocked him over. Mila, despite being a puppy, didn't quite act like one. Jensen was her person, no doubt, and she never trod underfoot, in fact she seemed to gently guide him away from obstacles. Today they'd left her with Harley and Sadie in their run behind the house, and once Jensen had explained things to her, she seemed content to play with the larger dogs.

So while Jared might not be happy about it, he wouldn't stand in Jensen's way. Maybe, just maybe, he was growing to like Jeff himself.

"Nervous?"

Jared grinned at his brother, even though he knew Jensen couldn't see it. "Just impatient."

"Took you long enough," Jensen shot back.

"I needed you to be with me, Jen," Jared said, throwing his arm around Jensen's shoulders. He needed to show his affection through touch, especially now with his brother's blindness. It had been so hard when Jensen couldn't be touched, but slowly, he'd grown to accept it. "You're my family."

"Yeah, well Dri is going to be part of our family very soon." Jensen's grin faded and he looked very serious. "Look bro, I should be the last one to give you advice here."

"You kidding? You're the only one I'd take advice from."

Jensen rested his hand on Jared's chest, as if looking for the beating of his heart. "Just love her, Jared. Don't worry about me, or, or anything."

Before Jared could respond the music coming from the strategically placed speakers changed from something low and unobtrusive to loud and boisterous. Adrianne was on her way. Everyone in the crowd turned to look.

Two white horses led the procession, both decorated with pink ribbons in their hair. Adrianne had loved Jeff's idea of incorporating the horses into the ceremony, although Jared had protested about the cost of keeping the staff working even during the wedding. He was only half-joking - he wasn't that miserly about paying his employees, he just wanted them to be able to enjoy the wedding as well. After the ceremony was over Emilio and Charlie would take the horses back to the stables, before coming back to enjoy the reception.

Before he could start off on that tangent, because one thing Jared had gotten good at these past few months it was worrying about the ranch, Adrianne stepped into view.

Jared stopped breathing.

Adrianne sparkled like the brightest diamond. Her dress was no match for the smile on her face, which shone brighter than the sun. Jared's vision narrowed to see only her as Adrianne made her way up the white runner they'd laid over the grass.

The music faded away as she stood beside him. Jared had missed the bridesmaids coming down and standing in a row, directly opposite from Jensen, Jeff, and his other groomsmen, Chad and Gabe. It didn't matter.

Jared smiled at her, taking her hands in his. He was so caught up in her smile, the way her curls were arranged to fall around her face, the choker that sparkled around her neck, that he didn't notice when the officiant started talking until Jensen poked him in the shoulder. Jared cleared his throat. "Could you repeat that?"

He was glad when everyone laughed. Jared ducked his head and rubbed the back of it. He could feel his face heating and it wasn't just the sun beating down.

This time he paid attention as the officiant - the local justice of the peace for the state -greeted everyone and started on the beauty of the institution of marriage. Adrianne had laughter in her eyes and she hadn't stopped smiling. Jared vowed to always be able to make her smile.

He said "I do" with a flourish, promising to love and cherish her all the days of his life. When she promised the same, he couldn't help the grin widening.

"The rings, please."

Jared turned to Jensen. He swallowed hard, so glad that his brother was able to stand here next to him at this special moment. When Jensen held out the tiny box with the ring, Jared took it, but then threw his arms around his brother and hugged him tight. "Thank you," he whispered, fighting back tears. This wasn't the moment for that.

"Go get married, Jared," Jensen said, thumping his back.

Jared nodded and turned back to Adrianne. Her smile hadn't dimmed, but he could see the mist in her eyes. He nodded at her. The slim golden band looked perfect on her ring finger, marking her for anyone to see that she belonged to him. And Jared would soon have a marker of his own.

"With this ring, I thee wed."

Jared bounced on his toes, too impatient once they'd both gotten the actual rings on. Even the officiant grinned, before he pronounced them husband and wife. "You may now kiss each other."

He didn't waste any time. Jared slid his hands around Adrianne waist and drew her close. This was the first time he'd ever kiss his wife, taste her lips and drink her in. Everyone disappeared, the world narrowing to just him and her.

They were inches away and Adrianne whispered, "You okay?"

"Perfect," he told her.

"Excellent." She took his hand as they both turned to face the crowd as husband and wife.

***

Jeff thought it was going to bother him. He thought it would hurt to stand up there watching while Jared and Adrianne made their vows to each other. But watching them grin at each other, well, he knew this had been a long time coming. Jeff wanted them to snatch every bit of happiness they could, because he sure intended on doing the same with Jensen.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the reception will be in the tents behind the house. Please come wish our bride and groom the best of luck!" That was Chad on the microphone. He'd probably have a hard time handing it over to the DJ.

The music on the speakers changed again, something with a thumping beat, most likely to get everyone moving towards the reception area. Jeff hooked his arm through Jensen's and walked with him down the makeshift aisle.

"You gonna be okay?" he murmured. Jeff's eyes narrowed as he surveyed the crowd. He didn't know who to watch out for, if there was anyone Jensen wanted to avoid. Damn it, he should have gotten more intel on the guests before proceeding. He had been kept too darn busy with the cake testing.

He couldn't help it. It had been tasty.

Jensen nodded. He put his hand to his ear, touching his earpiece. Jeff couldn't begin to guess how the thing was feeding all of this data verbally to Jensen. "Just stay close to me. I haven't been in a crowd this large since, well, since before."

"That won't be a problem," Jeff said lightly. "I don't know who any of these people are. You can be my shield."

Jensen laughed, his face no longer marred by his worry. "I'll use the cane to get us first in line at the buffet table."

"Now you're thinking."

They managed to get food - Jeff got plates for both of them, and for once Jensen didn't protest - and eat while Jared and Adrianne were still greeting guests. Jeff didn't miss that part of being the center of attention. The bride and groom had to thank every single person for coming. He doubted either of them had even had anything to eat, and that was a crying shame because the caterers Jared had chosen were damn good.

"Jensen?"

Jeff looked over at the female voice that came from behind them. He didn't recognize the dark-haired woman, or the man in the hover chair she pushed in front of her. Both of them wore Sex Corps uniforms, though it was hard to see on the man due to the old-fashioned casts on his arms and legs. He might have been pretty once, that fragile beauty that seemed to be a requirement in scuts, with his large blue eyes and black hair. But his eyes were ringed with dark circles and his face thin and pinched.

"Sophia?" Jensen turned in the direction of the voice. "You came!"

She left the chair for as long as it took to draw Jensen into a hug. "I missed you! Tom's here too." Sophia held Jensen close for a moment, her dark hair covering her face, but Jeff thought he saw a glimpse of tears in her eyes.

"Tom?" Jensen turned.

"Down here," the man in the chair said.

Jensen bent carefully and reached out with one hand, making contact with one of the casts. "Oh, Tom, what happened?"

"Threw myself down some stairs. It's not a big deal."

"It was three flights of stairs! And you broke both your arms and your legs. Again!" Sophia moved behind Tom and put her hands on his shoulders. "It is a big deal! They couldn't even use the bone setter on you."

Tom lifted one arm and grasped at Jensen's hand. "It hurts," he told him. Tom's eyes narrowed and he shivered. "So exquisite."

"Tom," Jensen murmured, shaking his head. Then he seemed to come to a decision. "Have you met Jeff?"

Jeff took the cue and left their table to come stand next to Jensen. "Jeff Morgan," he said. "Nice to meet you."

Sophia gave him a knowing look, her grin slow and sly. She looked between Jeff and Jensen and seemed to get a read on them that quickly. "Commander Morgan. I've heard a lot about you."

Jeff saw the color rise in Jensen's cheeks. "Just Jeff, please. I've retired."

"The three of us were all at the academy together," Jensen explained.

"With Mike too," Tom said, lowering his eyes. His face had gone pale. "There used to be four of us."

"Tom, I'm sorry," Jensen whispered. Jeff wrapped his arm around Jensen's waist, worried that Jensen would stumble. He could feel the tension coiled in Jensen's body.

Sophia held out one hand, as if reaching for Jensen. She let it drop back onto Tom's shoulder. "Jensen, it wasn't your fault."

Jensen shook his head. "I could've, I should've gotten free earlier. . ."

"From what I understand of the circumstances," Jeff interrupted. "There's no way you could have. They wouldn't have made a mistake around you unless they thought you were broken."

"We've all been through crap missions, Jen," Sophia said. "Sometimes there's nothing you can do."

"I just miss him," Tom said. No one knew what to say to that, or when he lifted his hand and dug his nails hard into the side of his own neck.

"Oh, Tom, no, stop, please." Sophia grabbed hold of his hand and pulled it away. "You promised."

"Do you want to take him back to the house, Soph?" Jensen said. "To rest for a bit?"

She shook her head and undid the brakes on the side of the chair, causing it to rise slightly in the air. "We need to get going, actually. I wanted to make sure we saw you first."

"I'm glad you came, both of you," Jensen said. He reached out and touched Tom again, like some sort of benediction before they left.

Jeff waited until they were both out of sight before he asked Jensen under his breath, "Are you okay?"

"I will be. Let's get out of here for a minute, okay?"

"Okay."

***

Jensen was glad Jeff didn't question, merely let Jensen lead even when it must have been obvious that they weren't heading back towards the house. Right now Jensen needed a moment, and he could only find that solace in what had given him peace from the moment he'd arrived at the ranch - the horses.

He knew exactly which way to turn from the makeshift tents of the wedding celebration after pointing his ear cam. Jensen had a mental map of the ranch that matched his memories of how the place had looked from childhood. That had helped more than anything when he'd first started learning how to get around.

The rich scent of the horses welcomed him as Jensen entered the stable. He caught sweet hay, leather, and the ever-present tang of the manure. Some of the horses whinnied at his approach and Jensen reached out to touch, rubbing his knuckles against the muzzle of the first horse in the row. He wished he'd snagged some sugar cubes from the buffet, but then, he hadn't planned on coming out here.

"Your friends. . ." Jeff started, his voice coming from the doorway. Jensen hoped he still wasn't afraid of horses!

"We were everything to each other, back then. Four of us stuck together, made it to graduation and through our first missions." Jensen shook his head at the memories. He remembered Mike in happier days - the way he laughed, his friend's wicked sense of humor, and the way he could made Jensen come and come and come till it hurt.

"You were together? The four of you?"

It took a moment to parse Jeff's meaning. When he did Jensen laughed. "We fucked each other, sure. It was homework." Those were good memories. He had to hold on to them, make them brighter than the bad ones. "Tom and Mike though, they were perfect together. Sadist and masochist, you know?"

He heard Jeff's boots crunch across the floor as Jeff grew closer, so Jensen was prepared when Jeff put his arms around Jensen's waist and pulled him until Jensen's back was flush against Jeff's chest. "Before Harmony I wouldn't have understood half of that."

But Jeff did now. Jensen shook his head. It was a shame, since Jeff seemed to be such a natural Dom, that he hadn't learned of his own proclivities until their mission together.

Jensen turned in Jeff's arms, until they were face to face. He ran his hands up Jeff's chest until he could unerringly cup Jeff's jaw between them. Only then did Jensen tilt his face upward to kiss Jeff. It was sweet and soft.

"Isn't this a little cliché? In the stables?" Jeff teased as he pulled away slightly.

Jensen chuckled. "Much as I wish we could, I'm afraid Jared would come looking for me eventually, and I love my little brother too much to scar him for life like that."

Jeff laughed, his entire body rumbling with the sound. It felt good against Jensen's chest.

"They should get a proper honeymoon, you know?" Jensen tilted his head to the side, out where he thought the wedding was still going on in full swing. "But with Adrianne's work and Jared going back to the hospital. . ." He didn't mention how much time they'd wasted, waiting for Jensen to recover.

Jeff pressed his lips to Jensen's hair and he swore he could feel the frown. "What if we could give them some time alone? I mean, I know they're going to the hotel tonight. . ."

"Are you suggesting we take a trip?" Jensen pulled back. It made sense, neither of them had any obligations other than to each other. Jensen wondered if he could coordinate his therapy appointments. He needed them less and less, but he really couldn't be out of range for long.

"Well, a buddy of mine has a cabin in the woods up north. It's quiet, away from civilization."

Away from people who'd recognize Jensen from the media feeds. And quiet enough for maybe Jensen and Jeff to learn their way together in the bedroom without having to worry about Jared overhearing. There were certain things his brother would never understand.

"So, we get the honeymoon instead?"

"Are you saying yes?"

Jensen grinned. "I think, I think I could do that."

He didn't know who was more surprised, Jeff or him. Jensen pulled Jeff's arm and led him back towards the door. "Come on, I want to see if I can accidentally catch the bouquet."

"And you have a toast to give," Jeff reminded him.

Jensen had feared at one time that he wouldn't even live to see Jared's wedding. Now he was about to give his best man's speech and with Jeff at his side to boot. Everything seemed to be falling into place for once.


	6. Chapter 6

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

| 

  
[bdsm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bdsm), [bigbang 2010](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bigbang%202010), [for the heart i once had](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/for%20the%20heart%20i%20once%20had), [ja/jdm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/ja/jdm), [my fic](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/my%20fic), [rps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/rps), [sex corps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/sex%20corps)  
  
  
---|---  
  
_   
**For The Heart I Once Had (6/12)**   
_

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Jared carefully counted out the right number of pills and placed them in the designated container. When he had offered to help Jensen pack for his trip, this seemed the best use of his labor. Jensen rolled clothing on the bed, his fingers tracing the lines of the fabric before he folded and stuffed each piece into a large duffel bag.

It reminded him a bit too much of the old days, Jensen packing up before he left for his next mission. This time there would be nothing more dangerous than Jeff and whatever wildlife still ranged the Minnesota wilderness. And Jensen wouldn't be very far at all, within a few hours drive, not half a galaxy away. Jared wondered if he was still trying to convince himself that it was okay that Jensen was leaving.

"You know," he said. "You might want to ask Dr. Robinson about weaning you off some of these."

Jensen stopped in mid roll of a pair of jeans. "Dr. Robinson."

"She is your primary medical doctor, right?" Jared hoped Jensen got the message. He wasn't going to act as Jensen's doctor, not when he should have been far more focused on just being his brother.

Jared watched as Mila sniffed around the floor before bounding into the open closet. He grinned thinking she probably hadn't had the chance to explore inside there yet, since Jensen usually kept it closed.

"Probably a good idea. The new patches have really helped my hands. I haven't even needed the muscle relaxants."

The drug patches had been Dr. Robinson's idea. Jared had to stop himself from wanting to go look up the mix she'd used. He had to stay out of it, let Jensen deal with his own medical issues.

Jared had a sinking feeling Jensen was going on this trip in order to give him and Adrianne some private time. He snapped the pill cases closed, feeling his cheeks burning at the thought of even more private time. Last night at the hotel had been something special. Adrianne had worn a white nightgown that had left nothing to the imagination. She'd let her hair down and her curls had spilled all around him when she'd straddled his waist.

"That's good." He cleared his throat as he spoke. "Keep with the patches and you won't have to take so many pills."

"I'll probably have to keep seeing Dr. McGraw though." Jensen stuffed something else into the duffel bag. Seeing the psychologist was another sore spot. Jensen had resisted at first, until the nightmares and flashbacks had gotten unbearable.

"For as long as you need to," Jared told him. Hopefully there'd be a day where Jensen wouldn't have to have regular meetings with the man. "You'll have a few weeks free of doctors anyway."

Mila emerged from the closet with something long and purple caught between her teeth. She leapt onto the bed and dropped it within Jensen's grasp before letting out a sharp bark. Jensen reached for the object and laughed as his hands closed around it.

Jared felt the flush return to his face as he realized exactly what the dog had liberated from Jensen's closet - a fat rubber dildo. "Jensen, I think you need to invest in some dog toys."

Jensen kept chuckling. "She was only doing what she was told, grabbing anything in the closet I might need."  
"Jen." Jared shook his head. He swallowed hard and knew the time had come for this particularly awkward discussion. "I'm glad, you know, that Jeff, he's got you thinking, about that stuff again."

Jensen dropped down on the bed and buried his head in his hands. "Oh no. We are not having this conversation."

"This from the guy who offered to loan me one of his Sex Corps friends to take care of my virginity. . ."

"I was just kidding. Mostly. Not so sure Sophia wouldn't have taken you up on it." Jensen emerged from his cocoon and nuzzled Mila who'd come over to see what was the matter.

Jared grinned as the dog licked at Jensen's chin. She knew her person. "I just, I know you haven't had time for yourself." No time to devote to a relationship, when Jensen was bartering his body for the UP. How could you have a significant other who'd be fine with that? "And I'm glad, I really am, that you've found someone."  
Jensen didn't move from where he cuddled his dog. "Jared, you don't know how happy I am to hear you say that."

"I can't pretend to understand it." Jared didn't know how you could go from fucking someone for a job to falling in love, but he supposed stranger things had happened. "But I want you to be happy, bro."

"Like you?"

Jared thought of Adrianne's smile, of how he couldn't wait to go back into the circle of her arms. "Yeah."

***

Jensen second guessed himself from the moment they left the ranch. He was glad he had Mila to cuddle with while Jeff drove the hover car. Hesitantly, because he should have asked before he packed up all his clothes and half of his sex toys, Jensen asked, "Are we taking a shuttle?"

"Is there a problem with me driving?" Jeff sounded honestly curious.

"I thought you might have to return the rental. Nobody really drives long distance." Jensen shrugged, but buried his face against Mila's soft fur. She really made it convenient to escape, to surround himself in nothing but her doggy scent and her warmth.

The last thing he wanted was to rub elbows with strangers on a public shuttle. Strangers who could see Jensen and know who he was, and he couldn't even look them in the eye. It had only happened to him once, and that had been more than enough to make him paranoid. Damn the stupid media anyway. Jensen never asked for his name to be spread across the net like he was some sort of hero. He'd only killed to escape, to get out of the hell his life had become, even if it meant his own death. Jensen had never expected to survive.

"Well, there's no shuttle where we're going. Deep woods. Lots of privacy. We'll have to make one stop for groceries, but that's it."

"Thank you," Jensen said, because Jeff understood without him even having to say anything. He kept on protecting Jensen.

Jeff touched his thigh in response, grounding Jensen immediately. "I remember what it was like, after Alfani. They kept calling me a hero and all I could think of were the people I hadn't saved. I just wanted to hide."  
Jensen had been hiding for months. It just might be time to stop. He covered Jeff's hand with his own.

The trip to get supplies went off without a hitch. Jensen stayed next to the hover car, only getting out to stretch his legs and let Mila run around. As soon as he'd left the car Jensen knew he was someplace else. The air was different, it tasted different - greener and more rich, lacking the dusty heat of Texas. And this was just a few states north, not even a different planet!  
"Hey, Jensen. I got some help with loading up the car." Jeff's voice warned him about the visitors approaching.

Jensen wiped his palms on his shirt and stepped out of the way. He could feel Mila pressing up against his leg, letting him know she was there.

"Good looking pup you got there," a gruff voice said.

It took Jensen a moment to realize it was talking about Mila. He'd frozen, hands curled into claws, terrified that the stranger was talking about Jensen himself. Jensen didn't want to be anyone's dog ever again.

He cleared his throat. "Thanks. She was a gift." Jensen tried to look in the direction the voice had come. 

"You two renting out the Anderson place?"

"Borrowing it. Rick's an old friend of mine," Jeff answered. Jensen was glad to fade into the background of this conversation. He listened as they loaded up the car, the sound of boxes and bags mingling as they hit the trunk. For once he was sorry he'd left the ear cam off - Jensen had gotten tired of listening to the chipper voice describing the scenery. He'd rather hear Jeff's deep tones instead.

"You must be Corps, then."

Jensen stiffened again. But the guy hadn't recognized either of them. He hadn't deduced they were military until Jeff mentioned his friend. Maybe Jeff had taken them to the one place where Jensen wouldn't be known or at least, where they wouldn't bring it up to his face.

"Retired," Jeff told him. "Thanks for the help."  
"Enjoy your trip. Best time of the year for it."

"Thank you," Jensen said politely before making his escape back into the car. Mila hopped in after him and settled herself on his lap. He wondered how much bigger she was going to get and if he'd have a problem with spoiling her like this. Jared's behemoths always forgot their own size and attempted to hop onto laps. That was one of the reasons Jared ended up keeping them both outside.

"Friendly people, huh?" Jeff said, closing the door behind him. "Luckily the nearest neighbor is a twenty minute walk away."

Jensen laughed. "I take it you don't intend to do much socializing out here?"

"I don't think fish tend to socialize much," Jeff said. "At least they don't when they have hooks in their mouths."

At this point Jensen didn't care what inane thing came out of Jeff's mouth. He could listen to that rumbling voice forever.

"We're here," Jeff said, pulling the car to a stop.

Jensen slipped his earpiece back in. He wanted to help Jeff bring the luggage in and he'd need time to get used to the new surroundings. "Mark location," he said into the device. "Make detailed map." Now the cam would track Jensen's movements and note the locations and steps needed to reach each place. It was going to take Jensen some time to get comfortable here.

"It's a nice place," Jeff said, almost conversationally. Jensen could hear the back of the hovercar open and Jeff grunt as he must have removed something from the trunk. "One story, dark wood exterior. There's a slight step to the front porch - it kind of doubles as a deck. Even though the grill and the lake are out back."

Jensen put one hand on the side of the car to help himself keep track of where he was. "Can I carry my own bag?"

"Sure, sweetheart," Jeff said. He handed Jensen the strap to his duffel, making sure Jensen had a good hold of it before letting go.

Jeff might protect him, but at least he didn't coddle him. Jensen appreciated that. "Lead on," he told Jeff, putting his free hand on Jeff's shoulder.

The ground beneath his feet was hard, though Jensen kicked up against some grass and other plant-like substances. Jeff paused before taking the step up, giving Jensen time to make the adjustment. Once again they were working neatly as a team, neither one having to say anything. They just knew.

"It's pretty old fashioned," Jeff said, leading Jensen inside, Mila following behind. She'd do her own exploring, the better to help out Jensen later. "The living room and kitchen is just one big room. They built an addition a few generations back - two bedrooms with their own bathrooms."

"You mean we won't have to be peeing in a hole out back? Good thing, cause I have to tell you, my aim sucks."

There was a little pause before Jeff started to laugh - a deep booming laugh that had Jensen flushing with what it did to him. Even Jeff's laugh made him think of sex, of how easy and free it had been with him. Jensen had had few partners where laughter came so easily.

Jeff steered Jensen into one of the bedrooms and said in a low voice. "I was hoping we could share this room."

Jensen let go of Jeff's shoulder and carefully circled the perimeter of the room, his fingers touching the walls, brushing across the furniture until he finally got to the bed, which he skirted just as carefully. After Jensen thought he had a decent picture of the room in his head, he sat down on the right side of the bed.

"A few ground rules if we do this," he said, letting the duffel bag drop next to him. He felt the bed dip as Mila jumped next to him. "You can't leave any of your stuff on the floor. It all has to be hung up in the closet or tucked away somewhere, as if we were back in the barracks. This," he reached out and touched the end table on his side of the bed. "Will be where I put my stuff. You can't touch it or move anything out of place. Same thing goes for the bathroom. Wherever I put things, they have to stay there."

"Anything else?" Jeff sounded amused.

"Yeah," Jensen grinned. "Mila gets to sleep in the bed with us."

"I really don't see a problem with that."

***

Jeff was glad Jensen had stopped using his blindness as a reason to push Jeff away. He was willing to do whatever he needed to make things easier for Jensen. It was part of his resolve to be the other man's Dom, to give Jensen what he needed, even when Jensen didn't know himself.

They had a quiet dinner that Jeff grilled outside while Jensen got better acquainted with the house. Jeff gave Jensen that time to himself, but he realized he needed this moment alone as well. The meat sizzled and sparked on the grill and Jeff watched the sky go from blue to blush pink. Smoke hovered in the air, changing the wild scent of the woods into something else. They were surrounded by trees and Jeff could pretend they were protected by them, that nothing could penetrate this forest.

"Let me clean up," he had told Jensen. "I'll meet you in the bedroom."

Jensen swallowed and nodded.

This was the first time they'd be together without having to worry about Jared or Adrianne hearing them. Jeff had high hopes for tonight, though he knew damn well he needed to be careful. They'd made progress, but Jensen was still skittish. Jeff had to be sure not to push him farther than Jensen could take.

He wiped down the last dish slowly, going over his options. Every moment he lingered was only making it worse for Jensen. A certain amount of anticipation was necessary. Jeff smiled, remembering that it was Jensen who had taught him that, back on the Mercury almost two years ago now. He put the dish away and moved towards the bedroom.

Jensen sat up on the bed when the door opened. He was wearing only the loose drawstring pants he usually slept in. His hair was tousled and he looked like he had been sleeping before Jeff had stepped in.

"Did I leave the lights on? Sometimes I forget." Jensen rubbed at his eyes and it was just adorable.

Jeff sat on the bed and cupped Jensen's cheek in one hand, relishing the slight feel of stubble against his palm. "You did, beautiful." He drew Jensen forward for a kiss, tasting those sweet lips. Jeff suckled on Jensen's lower lip, loving the way Jensen moaned at the action.

He let his hand trace down Jensen's neck, following the line of Jensen's body down his chest. Jeff watched Jensen shiver at his touch, the flush rising over his pale skin. Something thrilled inside of him at the trust Jensen gave him. It was only the two of them; Jeff could do whatever he wanted.  
   
What he wanted most was to make Jensen feel good, to help him overcome his demons.

Jeff caught the waistband of Jensen's pants and undid the drawstring, sliding the fabric over Jensen's ass. It caught for a moment on Jensen's hardening cock and Jensen let out a little whimper. Jeff felt himself pulse at the sight and had to press his palm against his own hard-on.

Jensen had gained weight since Jeff had been at the ranch, no longer the too thin waif he'd been two months ago. Riding had given his muscles definition and he reminded Jeff of the powerful horses Jensen so loved. The scars, thin ridges down his back, were just something else for Jeff to love.

He started at the back of Jensen's neck, sucking the skin there while his hands traced patterns along Jensen's torso. This was his, his to possess, his to pleasure. Jensen tasted like the night, something wild and free. Jeff couldn't keep from laving his tongue over Jensen's body. He moved down his back, taking his time over each and every scar.

"Jeff," Jensen murmured.

Jeff pulled away long enough to strip out of his clothing. "Hands on the headboard," he said, keeping his voice low and gentle. "On your knees. Safeword is stop, okay?"

Jensen nodded, his face almost scarlet. His cock bobbed hard and heavy between his legs as he moved into position. Jeff's mouth watered. He hadn't fulfilled that need to taste every inch of Jensen.

He palmed the cheeks of Jensen's ass, pulling them apart and relishing how they felt in his hands. Jeff couldn't help but dive in and taste, pressing his tongue against Jensen's hole. Jensen shuddered under the assault, but he didn't call his safeword.

Jeff didn't know if this was off-limits. He hadn't fucked Jensen and Jensen hadn't asked for it. They'd take this slow and he'd make Jensen remember why he'd liked this in the first place.  
He surrounded himself with Jensen, tasting the very center of him. There was nothing more intimate than this. Jeff licked and suckled until Jensen was wet and slick before sliding one finger inside.

Jensen cried out and tried to pull away. Jeff put one hand on Jensen's back. "Jen?"

"I'm, ok," Jensen panted, though he didn't sound very sure.

Jeff rubbed gentle circles on his back. "It's okay if you want me to stop."

Jensen shook his head back and forth. "It's just so much."

"I want to make you come like this." Jeff searched, pushing his finger in deeper until he heard Jensen gasp. There it was. He tapped at the spot again. "That okay?"

"Stars," Jensen whispered. He gripped the headboard even tighter, his knuckles turning white. Jeff frowned, worrying about Jensen's hands.

"Knees and elbows," he ordered, hoping that would take the pressure off of Jensen's fingers. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt him any more.

Jensen moaned as he slid back, the change in position shoving his ass even higher in the air. Jeff never lost his grip, moving with Jensen and keeping up the pressure from the inside.

Once upon a time Jensen would have been able to come from this. Jeff could suck at his hole and prod at his prostate until he had the other man writhing to completion on Jeff's hand. Right now he didn't think Jensen could take that. Jeff couldn't let him fall apart, not without knowing Jeff was there to catch him.

So he cupped Jensen's cock with one hand, ignoring his own which throbbed and ached. Jeff worked a second finger in, though it was tight and hot. He imagined himself sliding in there, pushing into Jensen with his cock. Jeff stroked Jensen, his shaft hard and slick.

"C'mon, boy," Jeff muttered. "Need you to come for me."

Jensen let out a whimper, as if he were trying to suppress a moan behind closed lips. His body stilled, caught as it was between Jeff's hands and he came in great pulses over Jeff's fingers and the covers of the bed.

Jeff pulled his fingers out and wrapped his arms around Jensen's waist, holding him close. "Can I come on you?" he murmured, unable to keep from humping against Jensen's pert ass and one tightly muscled thigh.

"Yeah," Jensen murmured. "Do it."

It didn't take much more than another push or two. Jeff was so geared up, so caught up in the image of him finally fucking Jensen, picturing Jensen riding him like one of the horses. He came, pulses of white splattering against Jensen's skin, marking him.

Jensen felt warm beneath him. Jeff kissed his nape. "You all right?"

"Yeah," Jensen laughed. "Don't want to sleep on the wet spot."

Jeff moved off Jensen, with one last caress. He couldn't stop touching, now that he'd been given permission. "I'll take care of it. Trust me."

"I do, Jeff, I do."

***

Jensen hadn't quite expected to get a honeymoon of his own when he decided to come out here with Jeff. But it rapidly turned into that. They were cut off from the world, the galaxy. Any of the problems plaguing the UP were out there, unable to touch their little cocoon in the woods.

Their days were spent together: playing with Mila and working on her training, hiking through the trails with Jensen connected to Jeff via a climber's rope, swimming in the lake when they weren't fishing, although Jeff had yet to catch a single fish. When they were too tired to venture out, they'd camp out on the couch in the living room, soft music playing from the comm speakers as they talked in low voices. Sometimes Jensen would talk about what happened in the Confed, or Jeff would talk about missions he'd been on. Most of the time they spoke of nothing at all.

Then came the nights. Jeff still hadn't fucked him yet, and Jensen was grateful. He didn't know if he was ready. But with each earth-shattering climax Jensen knew he was getting closer. He didn't fear his own desire and he knew he could trust Jeff. Jeff wouldn't push him if he didn't think Jensen could take it.

He'd taken Jeff's declaration - to be Jensen's Dom, even if Jensen wasn't yet ready to be a sub - more seriously than he'd intended. Jensen didn't want to give up control of his life. But he liked the idea of recapturing something he thought Isaacs had taken from him. Jensen still had the gift of himself to give, damaged as he was.

"Jeff?" he called. He'd just come out of the shower and had made his decision as he dressed.

"In the kitchen," Jeff shouted back.

The kitchen wasn't really far, but it wasn't where Jensen wanted to have this conversation. He pulled the smaller bag out of his duffel and put it on the bed, pushing Mila away gently. This time he'd rather she'd stayed on the floor. "Could you come in here when you have a sec?"

He didn't want Jeff to come running in thinking it was an emergency. Jensen's hands cramped, which usually happened when he got nervous. He flexed them, running through a quick set of finger exercises.

"What is it?" Jeff's voice came from the doorway.

Jensen knelt on the edge of the bed. "Please sit down," he said, reaching out for the bag.

"Jensen?" He felt the bed dip as Jeff sat.

The bag unzipped easily despite his trembling fingers. "Not sure you remember. Back on the Mercury I had this bag of toys."

Jeff let out a little laugh. "Oh, I remember."

Jensen could feel his cheeks heating. It felt like a lifetime ago. He'd come on strong then, determined to do his job well, despite being forced to work with the inexperienced Commander Morgan. Sometimes he thought he'd done his job too well, considering the sensual creature Jeff had become.

"I tossed a lot of it when I got home." Jensen frowned. He'd been in a very dark place then and didn't want to deal with the belongings returned to him from storage. More importantly he didn't want any remembrance of when he'd been a willing toy. "Some things I couldn't see myself ever enjoying again."

"Jen, I understand." One of Jeff's huge hands covered his own.

Jensen soaked in the warmth for a moment. Even now, Jeff's touch did things to him. "I kept, well, this is some of what I kept."

He reached into the bag and pulled the items out one by one, letting his fingers guide him. There was a single collar made out of leather. It wasn't the same one that Jensen had worn on Harmony, that had been taken by Adrian, but it reminded him of that time. He pulled out a pair of nipple clamps connected by a thin chain. There were two dildos, only one of which had a vibration option. Next Jensen pulled out two silk scarves, a small box that contained the glass dildo he'd been given by Senator McKellen, and a small flogger.

All of these objects had given him pleasure at some point in the past. Jensen hadn't thought he'd ever experience that again. But Jeff had given him hope.

"Impressive collection," Jeff said, voice light.

Jensen swallowed. "I want you to keep it. All of it." He pushed the now empty bag in Jeff's direction.

"Jensen?"

"You said, you said you'd be my Dom. I want you to decide when I'm ready for anything in here." He hoped Jeff understood. Jensen was willing to try any of these, but he wanted Jeff to decide when.

Jeff didn't say anything for a moment. When he did finally speak his voice was thick. "I'm honored by your trust in me."

Jensen bit his lip. "You make it easy, you know. I didn't think I could be me again."

Soft fingers touched his cheek. Jensen leaned into the caress. "You were always you. Now we're an us."

Jensen closed his eyes and smiled.


	7. Chapter 7

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

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[bdsm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bdsm), [bigbang 2010](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bigbang%202010), [for the heart i once had](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/for%20the%20heart%20i%20once%20had), [ja/jdm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/ja/jdm), [my fic](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/my%20fic), [rps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/rps), [sex corps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/sex%20corps)  
  
  
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**For The Heart I Once Had (7/12)**   
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Jeff should have known it couldn't last. Even though they were cut off temporarily from the world around them, that didn't mean that world didn't exist. While they were sequestered here, relearning each other's bodies and minds, the world continued to spin. They would have had to emerge eventually at some point to make Jensen's doctors' appointments. Jeff just didn't expect it to be so soon.

The message had been left on his comm. Jeff had left it behind while they were out swimming. Hell, he didn't carry the damn thing around on purpose. He'd do whatever he needed to maintain this illusion of a private world.

Unfortunately he couldn't deny the blinking light, telling him he had one message. With a sigh, Jeff played it back. He wasn't surprised to see Rick's face on the recorded hologram.

"Hey Jeff. What, are you too busy with your date to answer your comm? You know me and David can't let you have all the fun. We're planning on coming up tomorrow, staying a few days. We missed you, you SOB. What the hell were you doing on the ass end of space anyway? Anyway, see you bright and early. There are fish that need to be caught."

"There aren't any damn fish," Jeff said with a laugh as he closed the message. Damn it. While it would be good to see those assholes again, it was sure going to fuck any furthering of his and Jensen's relations.

Might as well give the bad news.

Jeff found Jensen toweling his hair as he came out of the shower. He took a moment to appreciate the sight, the way the droplets of water beaded on Jensen's trim abdomen, as if even they couldn't bear to leave him. With his hair wet, Jensen looked younger and even more vulnerable.

"Hey, Jen."

Jensen slung the towel around his neck and grinned. "Hey."

Jeff licked his lips, imagining licking up each drop of water. He shook his head, as if he could shake the thoughts from his mind. "Got some news. Few buddies of mine are coming up to visit."

"One of them the guy who owns this place?"

"Yeah. That's Rick." And Jeff needed a year to sum up Rick, but for now that would do.

Jensen nodded. "I guess it's time I meet some of your friends, right?"

He hadn't thought about it like that. Jeff had already met Jensen's family, and some of his closest friends from the Sex Corps. From the outside, it might look like Jeff was hiding Jensen, and that was the last thing he wanted.

"Yeah," Jeff agreed. "About damn time."

***

Jensen didn't know where Jeff had gone off to. He might be in the kitchen, or maybe cleaning the grill out back. It didn't matter, Jensen had settled himself on the couch, Mila tucked at his feet while he had his ear cam read to him from an old style book. There had been a collection of them, shoved into a set of built-in shelves near the cabin's entrance. Jensen figured this Rick guy was either a collector or they'd come with the cabin.

Jensen just aimed the cam and ordered it to read, not minding the perky voice for this. He'd lost himself in the story, caught up in the adventures of Harry and his friends. If only real life was so simply black and white.

Mila leapt off the couch, the lack of her warmth on his feet suddenly startling. She barked and Jensen silenced the cam. "Jeff?" he called.

It took him a moment to hear it - the sound of a hover cart landing.

Before he could run off to find Jeff he heard the door slide open.

"Hey there, girl," a voice said, greeting the still barking Mila.

Jensen swallowed against the sudden dryness in his throat. He'd hoped Jeff would have been by his side when he'd met Jeff's friends for the first time. But he had to go introduce himself now or it would be horribly rude.

Jensen pushed himself out of the couch and walked in the general direction of the door. Hopefully the strangers would come in his direction, because he hadn't reset his earpiece to know exactly where they were. "Hi there. You must be Jeff's friends. I'm Jensen."

He didn't like the sudden silence that greeted his words. Jensen was tempted to check his crotch to make sure his fly wasn't open. Maybe he'd even forgotten to put on pants?

"You're Jen?" The shock in that voice could have knocked Jensen over.

He grinned. "Let me guess - you thought 'Jen' was a girl's name?"

Jensen hoped for a laugh at that. He admitted there had been confusion about his gender once or twice before in the past thanks to his name. Luckily in the Sex Corps it didn't seem to matter.

"Nice to meet you, Jensen, I'm David," a different voice said. He sounded full of life, like he was accustomed to laughter.

"You're Jensen Ackles," the first voice spoke again. It was a bit higher than David's and had an almost nasal quality to it.

Jensen could feel his face heat. Of course Jeff's friends had seen the news feeds. He had no idea how much his face had been shown around, although Jeff had told him about the horrible video where Mike had been killed had been shown over and over again.

"Yeah, that's me." He rubbed the back of his neck, wishing he could see them. Jensen could only guess at their reactions and the silence was giving him shit to work with.

"That's Rick," David said, slapping his hand on Jensen's shoulder as he walked past. Jensen barely kept from wincing at the uninvited touch. "Where's Jeff hiding anyway? Out back with the fish?"

Jensen listened to the clumps of their footsteps as they made their way through the cabin. He heard the clatter of Mila's nails against the wooden floor.

"She your guide dog?" Rick asked gruffly.

"I suppose once she gets trained a bit more. Mila, come," Jensen ordered. Immediately the dog pressed against his leg as she sat beside him.

"Seems pretty well trained already."

"Thank you." Jensen decided to take it as a compliment, he knew he'd already surprised Rick once and not in a good way.

"I'm sure you know all about that," Rick said as his footsteps continued to move through the cabin.

Jensen blinked, not completely sure he'd heard the comment. He touched his earpiece and changed the settings, so he'd start getting descriptions again. Both of the men had left the room, probably looking for Jeff.

"Well, come on Mila," Jensen murmured. "Find Jeff." He'd be better equipped to deal with Jeff's friends once he had Jeff by his side.

***

Jeff ended up grilling dinner for everyone that evening. It had been good to see Rick and David, since it had been years since all three of them were on the same planet at the same time. At one point they'd all served together, before transfers and the war had separated them.

Rick had dumped his stuff in the second bedroom and David had said loudly that he was fine with the couch - it did pull out into a bed after all. They were invading the space that had been just Jeff and Jensen's these past few weeks and Jeff found he didn't like that. Although that wasn't quite fair, since this was Rick's cabin and Jeff was only borrowing it.

"So, you finally retired?" David took another sip out of a long-necked bottle of beer.

They sat around the fire pit in the back. Logs crackled in the metal half-sphere, bright sparks sizzling in the dark. The air smelled of earth and smoke, although the wind did carry it towards the lake, large pieces of ash fluttering away.

Jensen sat in a lawn chair on Jeff's right, nursing a glass of root beer after he'd politely refused the beer in the cooler Rick and David had brought. Jeff knew the alcohol would fuck with his meds, but he was more concerned to see David drinking. Last time he'd checked, David had sworn off the stuff.

Jeff sipped at his, holding the bubbling liquid in his mouth for a moment to get a good taste. The flavor told him this was from a microbrew rather than the mass produced stuff they normally got on ship. "Yeah." Jeff said, not wanting to get into his reasons with Jensen sitting right there.

"Question is, are you going to stay retired?" David laughed. "Rick, here, is going back."

That was news to Jeff. "Really?"

Rick shrugged. "Got a ship in drydock. If I want it, the MacGruber is mine."

"But do you want it?" Jeff shook his head. He'd had enough of command. The last thing he'd want was to be captain.

Rick shrugged, sprawling back in his chair. He'd gotten heavier since the last time Jeff had seen him, and he'd let the gray take over his hair. Maybe getting back in the game was exactly what Rick needed.  "It would be about damn time. I'd get to pick my own crew."

"Sounds like you've decided."

"Thinks are changing out there." Rick tapped his bottle against the chair. "Confed is carving itself up. We need to take advantage."

Jeff frowned. This was the last thing he wanted to talk about. "What about you, David?" he said instead. "What are you up to?"

David laughed again, but it rang hollow. "Oh, I'm staying grounded. I've got two daughters to keep an eye on, and let me tell you, I'm keeping my laser rifle loaded."

They all laughed at that, even Jensen who hadn't said much. Mila trotted around the back, sniffing at the trees, until he snapped his fingers and she curled up at his feet.

"How about we toast up those marshmallows?" Rick pushed himself out of his chair.

Jeff groaned. "You guys brought marshmallows? What, is this summer camp?"

"Shut up and help me carry the rest of the s'mores stuff."

Jeff laughed. He touched Jensen on the shoulder as he stood. "Be right back," he said, following Rick back into the cabin.  
"Just what the hell are you doing, Jeff?" Rick whirled as soon as the back door slammed shut.

Jeff blinked. "What are you talking about?"

Rick turned and started banging the cabinets, pulling out the bags of marshmallows that had been part of the groceries he and David had packed away earlier. "Since when do you fuck around with guys?"

"Oh come on, Rick."

"And it's not just any guy, you had to pick up Mr. Face of the Confed split?" Rick turned and gestured with a chocolate bar.

Jeff crossed his arms over his chest. "So what's the problem here exactly? That Jensen is male or that he's been dragged through the media mud?"

"You don't even see what's he's doing to you, do you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"He's a scut, Jeff. They know how to manipulate people, get you exactly where they want you."

And if that wasn't the stupidest thing Jeff had heard in the longest time. He tried to remind himself that Rick didn't know Jensen, didn't know what Jeff and Jensen had gone through together. Still, it was hard to keep his tone down. "You are so far off-base right now."

"Jeff. . ."

"Just . . . try to get to know Jensen," Jeff said. "You've barely said a word to him all day. He's a good guy, Rick."

Rick shook his head, but he didn't say anything, just went back outside with the marshmallows.  
Well, that could have gone better.

***

Jensen listened as Jeff's breathing evened out, accompanied by the occasional snore. He smiled to himself as Jeff snorted in his sleep before rolling over, his breathing calming to match. When he was pretty sure Jeff was asleep, Jensen slid out of bed, palming his comm before hiding in the attached bathroom. He felt a wet nose nuzzle at his bare feet just before he shut the door.

"You can come in, just be quiet," he told Mila before closing the door behind them both.

He sat on the toilet - double checking the seat before he did so - and felt her lie over his feet, warming them from the cold tile. She was such a sweet dog and seemed to know exactly when he needed her without him having to say a word. Jensen patted her as he flicked the button on his comm. "Call Jared."  
It was late, but it wasn't an unreasonable hour to call. Jared had gone back to the hospital, so he kept all kinds of crazy hours. Jensen bit his lip, remembering how he'd call right before leaving on a mission, no matter what. He'd missed only once in all the years he'd been on active duty.

"Jensen?" Jared's voice came over the comm, although he did sound a bit sleepy. "Why are you calling me from the bathroom?"

Jensen laughed. Next time he'd remember to turn off the damn camera. "Jeff's asleep. I didn't wake you, did I?"

"Just got in from work, so I'm good." Jared yawned. "You must be busy. Haven't heard from you in a few days."

"It's been nice out here," Jensen told him. "Peaceful. Well, it was. We got some houseguests, some Corps buddies of Jeff's."

"Oh?" Jared's voice was sharp. "They giving you a hard time?"

Now that Jared mentioned it, Jensen wondered if that was the reason Rick seemed so cold to him. Jensen had dealt with prejudice in the Corps for his entire career. Others in the service thought they were above the scuts, never appreciating the sacrifices the scuts made behind the scenes in order to keep others safe.  
"Not really." Jensen shook his head. "I'm just a little out of place. They all served together and have all this history."

"Well if I have to drive up there and beat someone up, just let me know."

Jensen grinned. "You saying I can't do it myself?"

"I just want to be there to watch."

Jensen missed the ranch suddenly. He missed walking down to the stables and saying hi to the horses, nuzzling his favorites and sharing hidden sugar cubes. He missed riding, how he'd harness the power of the beast between his thighs, as the horse thundered through the track.

He rubbed his chest. "I miss you bro. How are things going? How's Dri?"

"Dri is wonderful." Jensen could hear the smile in his brother's voice. He was so glad Jared married her and that Jensen got to be there. If only he could have actually seen his brother get married, but Jensen decided to be grateful for what he had.

"Just one thing," Jared said and his voice sounded totally different.

"Jared?"

"I want to hire someone to manage the ranch. I've been doing most of the paperwork and behind the scenes stuff since we got it back and, I can't keep on doing it if I want to go back to medicine."

"Jared, breathe." Jensen cut into his brother's hurried explanation. "I wanted the ranch to be your home. Our home." So they'd always have a place to come back to. "I never meant for you to give up your dreams so you could run it!"

"So it's okay if I pick someone myself?"

"Well, I'd hope you'd hire someone who already works for the ranch," Jensen suggested. "They'd already be familiar with the place."

"That's a good idea."

"I'm full of them." Now if only Jensen could put some of them in motion.

"Now go get some sleep. I'll call you again soon."

"Night, bro."

Jared had given Jensen his space. He hadn't called, not once, relying on Jensen to contact him instead. Jensen had appreciated that more than anything. He always wanted to be part of his brother's life, but Jensen needed to stand on his own, with or without his sight. Just as he had to let Jared live his own life, though it had hurt to drop him off at his college dorm so many years ago. With a grin he realized how they'd come full circle, both taking turns in the parental role for the other.

"Ready for bed, girl?" Jensen asked, reaching down to stroke his hands through Mila's fur. She's gotten so big already, so different from the little pup Jeff had given him. She seemed to understand every command on the first try, without needing extensive training.

He wondered if he'd wake Jeff when he got back in bed. Jensen closed his eyes. It made it easier to picture Jeff as he'd last seen him. Jensen would never see another wrinkle or white hair; his lover would always look as perfect as the day they met. He saw Jeff's messy hair, his sleepy bedroom eyes, his brilliant grin and lightly stubbled chin.

Almost unbidden the image came to him, of how Jeff had looked when he was learning to bind Jensen using the careful rope technique back on Harmony. He loomed over Jensen, as always, so strong and powerful. But above all Jeff had that look of tenderness in his eyes. He cared and it was so obvious how much.

Jensen swallowed. He was getting hard, turned on by remembering being bound and helpless at Jeff's hands. Maybe it was because he knew Jeff would never hurt him, never take advantage of him. Sophia had said to take positive experiences and use them to blot out the negative. Maybe it was working.

Jensen hoped so. He stood carefully. Maybe Jeff wouldn't mind being woken up right about now.


	8. Chapter 8

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

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[bdsm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bdsm), [bigbang 2010](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bigbang%202010), [for the heart i once had](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/for%20the%20heart%20i%20once%20had), [ja/jdm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/ja/jdm), [my fic](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/my%20fic), [rps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/rps), [sex corps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/sex%20corps)  
  
  
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**For The Heart I Once had (8/12)**   
_

  
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Their wakeup call had been Rick pounding on the door shouting "Up and at 'em, those fish aren't gonna catch themselves."

Jensen buried his head under his pillow. "Is he always like that?"

"Apparently the fish bite early in the morning," Jeff grumbled. "Not like anyone's actually caught anything in that pond. Don't tell him I called it a pond."

Jensen snickered.

"Come on soldier, don't tell me you're still asleep!" They could hear him shouting at David even through the door.

"Stars," Jeff said, "Can't let David face him alone."

Jensen thought Jeff damn well could let David take his medicine from Rick. The two of them were intruding on Jeff and Jensen, not the other way around. He sighed. If he wanted to make any headway at getting to know Jeff's friends he needed to get his ass out of bed. Damn them.

Just his luck Jeff had to be friends with morning people. David didn't seem too hard pressed to be woken up before dawn, especially once Jensen offered to make a pot of coffee.

"You're pretty good around the kitchen," David observed in his jovial voice. Jensen wondered if the guy ever sounded anything but happy.

"It's just coffee. Jeff's the one actually cooking." Jensen could smell the eggs and bacon Jeff had thrown on the grill. The three of them had opted for breakfast even though Rick had already gone out to set up his fishing gear.

"No, I meant," David sputtered for a moment. "Since you can't see."

Jensen turned to where he thought David was sitting and threw him his best grin. He knew how to be charming when he had to. Besides, he'd rather David ask about his disability instead of just grabbing Jensen by the arm to 'guide' him. He'd had enough of that in therapy. "I can learn my way around a place pretty quickly. Plus I have this," he gestured to his ear cam, "when I need it."

"Jensen makes a mean pot of coffee," Jeff said in the silence. Jensen guessed David didn't know how to respond.

David laughed. "Good, cause I could use some."

Jensen pushed the brew button. As he moved away from the counter he slid around Jeff, putting his hand on Jeff's waist and plunking a kiss on his cheek, like he did every morning. He realized just as he did it that it might not have been the best idea and he made to pull away.

Instead Jeff turned and hooked his arm around Jensen, keeping him close and kissing his lips. Just as he did so Jensen heard the backdoor spring open and Rick groan.

"Come on, nobody wants to see that."

Jensen could feel his face heat and this time when he pulled away, Jeff let him go. "Sorry."

David spoke up. "Don't apologize! Stars, I'm glad Jeff is getting laid at least. Got any hot scut friends, Ackles?"

"David." Jeff's voice had a warning in it, but Jensen didn't mind. David he knew how to handle.

"None that go for out-of-work spacers," he shot back, pleased when David chuckled.

"Worth a shot!"

"When you're done wasting time," Rick cut in, his voice lacking any of the natural humor Jensen heard in David's. "I'll be out back. I already got one nibble. With luck we might have fish for dinner tonight."

"As long as it's your ass that's cleaning it!"

Jensen was glad when he heard Rick stomping out and the back door swing shut. He just couldn't get a handle on that guy.

***

Jeff knew that Jensen had asked them first, but he wondered if the other man was feeling left out with all these stories about back in the day. Of course, Jensen seemed more than fond of hearing about Jeff's glory days, if the smirk on his face was anything to go by.

Jensen sat back in one of the lawn chairs out back, his fishing pole held loosely in his hands. Jeff didn't even know if it had any bait on it. Mila had been under strict orders not to bark (it scares the fish) and lay at his feet, her tail thumping hard against the dirt. Jensen looked so relaxed with a flush of color in his cheeks. He'd lost the gaunt look he'd been sporting back at the ranch and Jeff couldn't help but feel a bit of pride at that.  
"So what did Jeff do after he got caught?" Jensen leaned forward to ask.

"Returned the sheep to the princess. What else could he do?" David laughed. "Man, that was one crazy planet."

"You know what was crazy? Those giant croc-dog things. What planet was that on again?"

Jeff stiffened at Rick's words, his hands tightening on the fishing pole. "Georgia," he said, clearing his throat. "It was on Georgia."

It didn't hurt as much as he expected, to talk about the place where Katie had died. He could think of her now and not feel that combination of sorrow and rage that would bubble in his gut. She'd been dead for four years now, and sometimes he still expected her to walk into the room, as if she'd only stepped out for a moment.  
"Fuck, I haven't thought about Georgia in forever." David shook his head. He took a sip out of his coffee mug, although Jeff had been certain they'd already finished the pot.

"Georgia," Jensen repeated, biting his lip. "Isn't that. . ."

"That's where Jeff met his wife," Rick put in, so sure Jeff wondered if the mention of the planet wasn't deliberate.

"You knew her?" Jensen asked. Jeff wanted to go over there and put his arms around Jensen.

David gestured with his coffee mug. "Hell, I was the one who told Jeff to marry her. Not every day you find a girl who can handle a gun like she could." He laughed, as if just realizing the innuendo.  
Jeff saw her suddenly: laser rifle in her hand, her long blond hair flowing behind her as she aimed and took out the sniper before any of them even saw him. Her cheeks were flushed, but her eyes were determined. "That's probably not the best way to choose a wife. Even though it did work out pretty good for me."

"She was quite the woman," Rick said. "Never saw a civilian stand up to Captain Shatner before. But she wasn't even awed by him."

Jensen tilted his head in Jeff's direction. "You served under Admiral Shatner?"

"It was a long time ago," Jeff said. He shook his head. "He's one insane SOB."

"Yeah, but if that crazy sonofabitch had his way, we would have had the Confed on its knees by now." Rick reeled in his line and started to redo the bait. "None of this skulking around planting spies. Just all on total war."

"You know the number of lives that would have cost?" Jeff couldn't believe his ears. He remembered Shatner's total war plan and it was a damn good reason the UP had voted against it ten years ago.

Rick cast his line again, the bright red bobber settling in over the murky waters of the pond. "Yeah? And how many people died during the past decade of us twiddling our thumbs?"

"I'd hardly call it twiddling our thumbs," Jensen cut in. "I don't think you appreciate the amount of work it takes for a successful undercover mission."

"The point," Rick said, "Is that war should be honest. Soldier versus soldier. None of this between the bedsheets crap."  
Jensen began to reel in his line. "And that would be just fine, if we weren't dealing with the Confed. There's no such thing as an honest war with them."  
"I got a bite!" David shouted, diffusing the rather tense conversation in one fell swoop. He stood up and tugged on his line, letting out a whoop.

"You're going to let it get away!"

Then there was the scramble for the fish. Jeff couldn't believe there were actual fish in that pond. Apparently they only came out when Rick was around. Too bad that wasn't the only thing Rick brought with him.

***

Jensen retreated to the kitchen, the smell of the grilling fish following. Thankfully, it was much better than the scent of the fish while Jeff, Rick, and David were arguing about how to clean the damn things. Jeff still sounded dumbfounded that they'd caught any fish at all. Jensen might have used his blindness to get out of helping, but honestly he couldn't stomach the idea of smelling fish guts on his fingers all day long.

He'd come in to grab the plates for their dinner, no matter his misgivings about eating what came out of that lake. David was trying to convince Jeff to drive them to town and try a local bar. Jensen might be tempted if they had some place that played live music, but he stayed out of the argument. Hence his retreat into the kitchen.

He counted plates with his fingers and lifted them out of the cabinet without a hitch. Jensen set them down on the counter, wondering if he'd be able to also manage the silverware on the same trip. The back door opened and closed behind him.

Jensen turned, half expecting Jeff, so it was a shock to hear Rick say, "You know, I can see right through you."

"What do you mean by that?" Jensen had the cabinet to his back and he was grateful for the physical anchor.

Rick snorted in response. "Your little perfect boyfriend act."

Jensen held out his hands in what he hoped was a placating gesture. "I'm not perfect. I'm the first to admit that."

"You're doing it again. You're saying what you think I want to hear." Rick spoke in a harsh whisper, like he wanted to yell, but damn sure didn't want to be overheard. "I bet this is how you played Jeff too."

"I'm not playing anyone."

"Right. That explains the whole act out there. 'oh tell me more stories about you guys and Jeff.'"

Jensen was pretty damn sure he didn't sound like the high-pitched imitation Rick just spat out. He ground his teeth to prevent himself from shouting back in anger. "I can't be curious about Jeff's friends? His life before me?"

"It's a tactic you people use. Deflects attention from where it should be." Now Rick seemed like he was gearing up for a good rant. Jensen crossed his arms and decided to hear him out. This should be fun. "I don't know how you shanghaied Jeff into your bed, because the Jeff Morgan I knew doesn't fuck around with scuts. Especially male scuts. But Jeff is also a sucker for hard up cases."

Jensen laughed. "Wait a minute, you think Jeff is with me because of this?" he gestured towards his eyes. "Didn't he tell you we met two years ago? Before I even ended up on the media feeds?"

"The fact that he didn't tell me just proves my point. You're using him and I'm going to make damn sure he sees it."

"You arrogant son of a bitch. You don't know a damn thing about me or Jeff, and I sure as hell don't owe you an explanation. Keep on believing whatever fairy tale you want, but your best friend did fall for a guy and a scut. And I'll take his heart over your brand of loyalty any day."

Jensen found himself breathing heavily, as if he'd been in a race. He gripped the edge of the counter, needing the support.

Before Rick could respond, Jensen heard the back door open again. "Hey, the fish are up. You need a hand with those plates, Jen?" Jeff had no idea about what he'd just walked into.

"I'm good, if you can get the forks." Jensen turned back to the counter and knocked into the plates. He managed to catch himself before knocking them over. "Shit."

"You okay?" Jeff asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he said, knowing this was just giving Rick even more ammo. Poor little blind boy needing help from his sugar daddy. That wasn't true, it wasn't.

***

Jeff felt something was off the entire evening. It didn't help that David kept downing the beers, saying you couldn't eat the grilled fish without beer. The cooler had to come up empty at some point, and Jeff wondered if that would happen before or after David hit the drunk side of tipsy.  
"I'm going to bed early," Jensen whispered in Jeff's ear. "You stay, catch up with your friends."

Jeff looked up in surprise. Jensen patted his shoulder and smiled before making his way back into the house, Mila at his heels. He hadn't spoken much since they ate and Jeff wondered if Jensen was hurting. The meds had to run out sometime and Jensen hadn't talked to him about getting a refill. Jeff made a mental note to call Jared in the morning, see if he could call one in to the local pharmacy.

Rick stood and started to clear up the back, putting up the grill and gathering up the dishes. Jeff pushed himself out of the lawn chair, groaning as he got to his feet. It felt too good to just sit and contemplate the night, watch the stars dot the sky, looking so different from the safety of Earth. He'd rather do it with Jensen by his side, however.

"Told ya there was fish," Rick said, giving Jeff a grin as he went to dispose of the bones.

"Grill me a steak anytime," Jeff shot back.

"Remember when we were kids?" Rick stopped just before the door. They'd only met once or twice as children, being distant cousins on their mothers' side. Sometimes Jeff forgot exactly how long he'd known Rick. "And Aunt Jill tried to get you to eat tofu?"

Jeff laughed. "I don't, actually. But I'll take your word for it."

Rick gave him a look. "Do you mean that?"

"Of course." Jeff frowned. "I trust you, Rick."  
"Just remember that."

Before Jeff could question him further, David pushed past them both. "Come on guys, the night is still young. Where'd you hide the good stuff, Rick?"

Jeff followed them both back into the house. David started going through the cabinets in the kitchen, leaving them open as he moved on to the next drawer or door. Jeff started closing them behind him; this was exactly the kind of thing that could get Jensen hurt.

"Like I'd hide it in the kitchen." Rick strode right into the living part of the large room.

"Rick," Jeff hissed. The last thing he wanted was David getting a hold of the good stuff.

"We're on vacation, Jeff." Rick touched the panel next to the row of books near the front door. Part of the wall disappeared, showing it was only a hologram all along and revealed a well-stocked liquor cabinet.

"Well, fuck," Jeff muttered.

David pulled the ice tray out of the freezer. "Let's get started."

Jeff sighed and shrugged. He'd at least drink a toast to some fallen comrades.

It turned into a few drinks. Jeff couldn't keep up with either David or Rick. It wasn't long before all three of them were deep in their cups.

"You were lucky," David said, gesturing with his glass. The ice had long melted and it was just straight jack. "You at least told her you loved her."

"David. . . "

"Becky never knew, Jeff. Never got to tell her." David's words became more incoherent. He downed the last of his drink and started hunting for the bottle.

"David, that's enough, come on." Jeff put his hand on David's arm.

"Don't touch me." David shrugged him off. "You're here with your pretty boy all happy pants. Why can't I be happy, Jeff? "

They somehow ended up tangled on the floor, David with a fistful of Jeff's shirt as he kept demanding "Why?"

"Sleep it off, David, come on." Jeff tugged David back towards the couch, taking the glass that David had somehow managed to keep a hold of. "For God's sake, Rick, help me."

Rick stumbled over and grabbed David's other arm. Together they maneuvered him back on the couch. Jeff knew neither of them was about to go to the trouble of pulling the bed out, so David could just sleep like that tonight. It was damn sight better than on the floor.

"Not fair," David mumbled, but the next sound he let out was a snore.

"I'll get him a hangover shot," Rick said, halfway to the communal bathroom.

Jeff dumped out the glass of warm jack. "Going to bed." He didn't wait for Rick to respond. Even his bones felt tired as he dragged himself back to the bedroom.

He hesitated before palming on the light, his drink-addled brain forgetting for a moment that it wouldn't bother Jensen at all. Mila did look up at him from the bed. Damn dog was sleeping in Jeff's spot! She blinked as if the light bugged her before curling back into a tight little ball.

Jeff made his way to the bathroom. He slapped some water on his face before staring at his reflection in the mirror. Fuck, there were even more gray hairs growing in his beard. Not that Jensen would know, but it hurt his vanity. When did he get so damn old? Jeff rubbed the water out of his chin.

He opened the medicine cabinet and was relieved to find it stocked with anti-hangover shots. Rick always kept the place well supplied. Jeff jammed one into his forearm, glad that you didn't have to be sober, you just needed to make contact. There had been more than one bender where Jeff hadn't been able to make that contact.

Jensen stirred when Jeff got into bed. Mila had crawled to the foot of the bed on her own, which was good because Jeff wouldn't have had the heart to move her. "Jeff?"

"Here sweetheart." Jeff couldn't help but pull Jensen into his arms, nuzzling his sleepy lover.

David was right, even if it had been said in a drunken haze. Jeff was damn lucky to have found love a second time in his life. He'd lost Katie, but he'd make damn sure he'd keep Jensen close, no matter what.

Jensen threw his arm over Jeff's chest and seemed content to be wrapped up in Jeff's arms. "You're not with me cause you feel sorry for me, right, Jeff?" He didn't even sound awake as he asked.

"What kind of question is that?" Jeff muttered, stroking Jensen's hair out of his sweaty forehead. Crap, he'd forgotten to turn off the lights. He was so tired he thought he could fall asleep with them on. At least he'd get a perfect view of Jensen as he drifted off. "Here cause I want to be. Cause I love you."

"Mmm," Jensen murmured.

Jeff kinda wished he'd been awake for that.

***

Jensen loved the smell of the morning, wet and new. He'd gotten up to let Mila out, his ear cam telling him just how early it was. Jeff had snuffled and rolled over and Jensen could hear David snoring as he'd tiptoed through the living room. There had been one incident where he'd nearly tripped over something, but Mila had gotten between him and whatever it was on the floor, causing him to stop moving before he actually hurt himself.

He breathed in deeply, the scent of green invading his nose. Mila barked. Jensen could hear her run past, moving so quickly he could feel the rustle of the grass as she lapped him. "Don't chase any squirrels now," he told her. Jensen yawned and contemplated getting back into bed.

"That dog smart enough to talk back?"  
He stiffened at the sound of Rick's voice. Jensen didn't turn around. "I guess I can train her to do just about anything."  
"She's not one of those genetically modified pups, is she?"

Jensen nodded, still not turning around. Not like it made a difference if he did or didn't. "Jeff gave her to me."

Rick said something under his breath that Jensen didn't quite catch. This time he did turn around. "Problem?" he asked in his most innocent voice.

He heard Rick's footsteps as the man came off the porch and down onto the earth. Jensen held himself still, casting out his senses for where exactly Rick had gone and if he'd have to dodge a blow. Mila barked and was suddenly pressing herself up against his legs so he knew she had his back at least.

"You know damn well what my problem is," Rick said and he wasn't very far away at all, maybe a few feet in front of Jensen.

Jensen held out his arms. "Don't know what I can do to convince you. I'm not manipulating Jeff."

"Jeff never once showed interest in another man before you," Rick spat. "You think that's normal?"

"Maybe he just never met the right guy."

Rick let out a snort that seemed halfway to being a laugh. "They teach you this shit, at that Sex Corps training camp. You could seduce a tree if you had the mind to."

"I'm not interested in a tree." Jensen fought to keep the grin off his face. Part of him had almost missed this verbal sparring, the way he often had to defend himself against other members of the Corps who didn't like having a scut around. "And I think you're overestimating my powers of seduction."

"Jeff is my friend, hell, he's family. If you think I'm going to let you get away with doing this to him . . ."

"Jeff is a grown man. Nobody does anything to him that he doesn't want," Jensen snapped. "And if what he wants is me, then you should damn well learn to back off."

"You threatening me now, scut?"

Jensen could almost swear Rick didn't mean to use 'scut' there and caught himself at the last moment. "You're just sore one scut did what the entire Space Corps couldn't." Not that Jensen was proud of it, not at all. He'd done what he had to survive and had gotten lucky.

"How long had you been whoring yourself to the Confed before you did it? You really think Jeff is going to be happy settling down with a whore?"

Jensen bit his lip to keep it from trembling. Of all the things Rick could have said, this was the only shot that hit its target. It hurt because it was true. Rick was absolutely right.

"Maybe you should let Jeff speak for himself," Jeff's voice came from somewhere. Jensen couldn't track it.

"Jeff, I . . ." Rick said. Jensen didn't want to hear it, didn't want to know what excuses the other man would say.

He just knew he couldn't stand another moment in his presence or in his home. Jensen took hold of Mila's collar and commanded "inside" trusting her to lead him when he could no longer orient himself.

Before he reached the door, a hand touched his shoulder. Jensen knew it was Jeff even before the man whispered, "I'll meet you inside. Going to have some words with Rick."

Jensen nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He had to get out of there.

***

"Was that any way to speak to a veteran?" Jeff said, leading with the one argument that he could count on to sway Rick.

He hadn't expected to stumble on to this confrontation when he'd woken up this morning. Jeff had only known that both Jensen and Mila were gone and guessed that the other man had gone to let her out when he didn't find any coffee in the kitchen. Stars, he could have used some coffee right about now.  
Rick looked like Jeff had punched him in the gut. "I'd never . . . Scuts serve on their backs, you know that's the truth."

"Damn it, Rick, we're not having a philosophical discussion here." Jeff stepped down so he and Rick were on the same level. It didn't matter how scuts served or what even Jeff had thought of them before he'd actually met one. "You realize you called the person I love a whore?"

"Jeff, you never looked at a guy sideways before. Now you're in love with one? What the hell did he do to you?"  
"Fuck, Rick, is that what this is about?" Jeff knew intolerance ran deep in the Corps, he just didn't expect to find it here. "You afraid I was looking sideways at you the whole time?"

"No, because I know you, Jeff Morgan. Probably better than you know yourself."

"Well that can't be true because you're way off base here."

"You think Katie would have wanted this for you?" Rick said. His eyes were pleading with Jeff as he said the one thing that made Jeff want to punch him.

Jeff turned back to the door. "Katie," he said, "believed in giving people a chance, whether they were Confed or UP. Slave or free. Military or not." He pulled the door open, knowing as he was about to step inside that he and Jensen had overstayed their welcome. "Goodbye, Rick."

He strode through the kitchen, moving quickly, thrumming with the need to get Jensen and get the hell out of there. David, bless his drunken heart, was still asleep on the couch. Well, Rick could explain everything to him then.

He found Jensen sitting on their bed, Mila in his lap licking his face and his duffel bag packed at his feet. Jeff's heart pounded so hard it felt like it was about to take flight. "Jen?" he said, sitting next to his lover.

Jensen wiped at his eyes before he looked in Jeff's direction. Mila had been licking away tears. "Jeff . . ."

"Sweetheart." Jeff pulled Jensen into his arms. He ran his fingers through Jensen's hair, breathing in deep of his scent.

"Stupid." Jensen buried his face against Jeff's chest. "Shouldn't get upset. He's right."

Jeff stilled. "No, Jen, he's not right."

Jensen let out a shaky laugh. "How can you say that? I whored for the UP my entire career. And even, even when they enslaved me, tortured me like an animal I got off on it, Jeff."

"You did what you were trained to do," Jeff told him. "You're alive right now because of that."

Jensen caught his hand in the fabric of Jeff's shirt, holding on tightly. "Who does that? Who signs up to be a willing whore? To let the enemy fuck them. . ."

"You listen to me, Jen. You are a soldier, you did what you were ordered to do," Jeff snapped. "Rick is wrong, just like dozens of other assholes in the Corps. You saved people's lives, damn it, at the expense of your own body." Gently he ran his fingers over Jensen's eyebrows, the scars on his temples. "Who else could have understood Harmony? It's because of you that we rescued Dr. Johnson, and Major Tappen if he hadn't gone native."

Jensen laughed a little at that and Jeff knew he was reaching him. "When I first met you I knew you had knowledge that I didn't. I respected that."

"Thank you." Jensen tilted his head and Jeff gave in and kissed him, hating that his plump lips tasted salty with tears. "Jeff, I can't stay here."

"I know." Their foreheads touched. "I'll pack up my stuff and we'll head out, okay?"

"I'm sorry," Jensen said. "He's your friend."

"Well, he's not much of one if he can't respect you, now is he?"


	9. Chapter 9

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

| 

  
[bdsm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bdsm), [bigbang 2010](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bigbang%202010), [for the heart i once had](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/for%20the%20heart%20i%20once%20had), [ja/jdm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/ja/jdm), [my fic](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/my%20fic), [rps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/rps), [sex corps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/sex%20corps)  
  
  
---|---  
  
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**For The Heart I Once Had (9/12)**   
_

  
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They left without saying goodbye to Rick or David. Jeff loaded up the car as quickly as he could while Jensen sat in the front seat, Mila on his lap although she was really starting to get a bit big for that. He got the hover car back in the sky before even having any coffee that morning.

Jeff didn't have a destination in mind. Part of him thought they should head back to the ranch. He and Jensen hadn't really talked about what they should do next. It was only after Jeff realized he'd been driving west for the past twenty minutes did it occur to him exactly where they should go.

"I'm hooking up my comm," he told Jensen, who blinked sleepily in his direction. He'd fallen asleep during the ride, but Jeff wanted to warn him he was about to make a call.

"Who are you calling?" Jensen yawned.

"I'm hoping we can swing by my parents'," Jeff said. He really should have commed them after entering the solar system, but he'd been so focused on getting to Jensen that Jeff had let everything else go. "If that's okay?"

From the corner of his eye he could tell Jensen stiffened in his seat. Jeff didn't blame him. Look how well meeting his friends had gone! But Jensen only said, "If you want."

Jeff keyed the voice command. "If they're even around. For all I know they're on Mars for vacation. Call Mom," he ordered.

It took a moment, but soon her face appeared, transparent against the windshield so he could still see out. She had more gray in her hair and the lines around her eyes had deepened. His heart beat wildly at the sight of her. "Jeff? Honey, are you on Earth? I thought you were still in space?"

Jeff flushed. He still hadn't told his parents he'd retired. This was going to be an interesting conversation. "Hi, Mom. Yes, I'm on Earth. I was hoping I could stop by and visit. I want you and Dad to meet someone special." He reached out and grasped Jensen's hand, so she could see him in the hologram. This time he wasn't going to make the same mistake. She'd know Jensen was male from the beginning.

"Oh, Jeff," she said. "Of course we want you both to visit. We're just going to have to have a bit of a talk about your inability to comm."

"Sorry, Mom." There had been too much to explain, far too much that Jeff had kept from his family. It had been so much easier to ignore them.

She brightened. "When can you be here? I have to call your father and your sisters!"

"Mom, it's not Thanksgiving," Jeff said. "You don't have to get the whole family together." Stars, maybe this was a bad idea after all.

"I'd love to meet your family, Jeff." Jensen grinned. Jeff would have glared at him, not that it would have done much good, but he was thrilled to have Jensen out of his funk.

"It's settled then. You can be here for dinner?"

They weren't that far away. But Jeff had learned his lesson. He and Jensen would be checking into a very nice hotel. They wouldn't be dependent on anyone's guest room again. "Yes, Mom, see you tonight." Jeff closed the connection.

"Jeff." Jensen reached out and squeezed Jeff's thigh. "What the hell are we doing?"

"I have no idea. But I know a great hotel in Seattle."

"As long as they have coffee. And a bed. Not necessarily in that order."

***

Jensen woke slowly from his nap, too comfortable snuggled between Jeff and Mila. Jeff was a solid warmth against his back, where they touched skin to skin except for their undershorts. They'd stripped down before falling into the hotel's king-sized bed to catch up on sleep. Jensen pulled Mila closer, breathing in her sleepy doggy scent, which was how he could tell she'd been out as well. She licked at his face in response, probably annoyed that he'd woken her.

He'd be meeting Jeff's family tonight. Jensen had to have intel. He couldn't go into this situation as blind - he smiled at the irony - as he had with Jeff's friends. Like any mission Jensen needed to be prepared for anything and present himself very carefully. He didn't think it mattered the way he'd first met Rick and David, without Jeff by his side, but it would have gone far better if Jensen had known exactly what he was getting into.

Tapping his ear cam, he whispered "time?" Jensen frowned at the response. There wasn't much time to prepare since they'd apparently slept the day away. He realized they'd packed for a trip to a cabin and he could not meet Jeff's parents in jeans and a ratty t-shirt.

Rick had accused him of manipulating Jeff, of using his Sex Corps wiles to seduce him. Jensen might as well use those skills if he were going to be vilified for them anyway. The first thing he needed was a much better wardrobe and for that he needed Jeff's help.

Jensen gently pushed Mila off the bed before shifting around. Jeff still snored, deep in sleep. Well, he knew how to fix that. He rolled them both until he was straddling Jeff, his ass riding Jeff's half hard dick. Jensen rocked backwards, enjoying the friction of the fabric against his cock. For the first time he ached to feel Jeff inside him.

"Jen?" Jeff said, voice thick with sleep. His arms came up and cupped Jensen's buttocks, pulling him close.

Jensen leaned down and pressed a kiss against Jeff's lips. He nuzzled down that grizzled jaw, enjoying the feel of the stubble against his lips. Too bad they didn't have time for this.

"Hey sleepy head." Jensen grinned. "What time do we need to be at your parents?"

"Eighteen hundred."

Jensen bit his lip. "That doesn't give us a lot of time. Are they any decent clothes shops around here?"

"You want to go shopping?" He could hear the disbelief in Jeff's voice, even if Jeff wasn't grinding up against him.

"You can't introduce me to you family in jeans!"

"Didn't know you cared that much about fashion."

Jensen pushed himself up, though damn it was hard, especially with all of half-naked Jeff just lying there, perfect for his fingers and mouth to explore. "I care about making a good first impression."

"Jen," Jeff said in a low voice. "It won't be like the cabin."

Jensen started to feel around for his clothes, wishing he'd thought past tossing them on the floor. He sniffed at the first shirt he picked up, trying to figure out if it was his or Jeff's. "No," he agreed, "It won't. Because I'll be prepared this time. And part of that is looking good. I can't do that alone, Jeff. This thing will tell me the color of the shirts, but it won't tell me if I look good in them." Jensen tapped his ear cam.

"Well, I might not be much help either. I happen to think you'd look good in anything, or nothing at all."

Jensen laughed, relieved. "You've got better eyes than mine at least. Come on, Morgan, we're burning time."

***

Jeff stifled a yawn and took another sip of his extra large cup of coffee. They'd found a little store in the same complex as their hotel so Jeff hadn't needed to drive around the very hectic city. He was out of practice with this kind of flying, not used to civilian traffic. He supposed he'd have to get used to it again, depending on where he and Jensen ended up.

Stars, but Jeff wanted that, a life with Jensen, no matter where Jensen wanted to go. At one time Jeff thought Jensen could have been happy on Harmony. Jensen got the rules of that place because he was a natural submissive. Without him, Jeff would never have made it through that mission. Sometimes even Jeff thought fondly of going back there. As Jensen's Dom, it would be his right to protect him, to keep him from any more harm.

It wasn't enough that Jensen had to be permanently scarred from his ordeal in the Confed, but assholes had to torment him as well. Jeff frowned, angry that one of those assholes happened to be one of his closest friends. Damn Rick and his stupid insinuations; he didn't know a damn thing about Jensen or their relationship.

"How does it look?" Jensen asked, coming out of the changing room.

Jeff had decided to avoid temptation by waiting outside with Mila. Stars knew, all they needed was to get thrown out of the boutique. They already had the sales girl watching them, although Jeff wasn't sure if that was because she'd recognized Jensen from the news feeds or simply because Jensen was a gorgeous man.

Jensen had chosen a pair of light colored slacks and a deep gray shirt that cut in a v at his neck. It fit snug around his shoulders, showing the width of them. Jeff let out a whistle.

"You look damn good," Jeff told him.

"Too good?" Jensen tugged at the fabric of the shirt. "I want to look presentable, not like sex on legs."

Jeff sputtered out the sip of coffee he'd had the misfortune to take just as Jensen spoke. "Well, if you want to put it that way. . ."

Jensen nodded. "I've got another shirt." He turned around and went back into the fitting room.

Jeff looked down at Mila, whose tail thumped against the floor. "We might be a while, girl." He didn't think the clothes existed that could make Jensen not look sexy.

Eventually they decided on a button down blue-gray shirt that looked more professional than sexy. Or at least that's what Jeff told Jensen. It really just made him want to unbutton it, to slowly reveal the silky skin beneath. Jeff was already looking forward to dinner being over and it hadn't even begun yet.

"Now I need shoes," Jensen told him with a frown. Jeff knew shoes were hard for Jensen with the problems with his feet.

"You can't just wear your boots?" Jeff asked in a low voice as the sales girl packaged up the outfit for them. Jeff had insisted on buying the dark gray shirt as well, even if Jensen didn't intend on wearing it to meet Jeff's family.

Jensen wound Mila's leash around his wrist. "Would that be appropriate? Tell me about your parents' house."

Jeff had been telling stories about his family throughout the entire shopping trip. He'd told Jensen that Liz was the youngest, that Brittany had three kids – two boys and a girl, and that Gillian never could make up her mind about anything. Jeff's mom had a tendency to blurt out whatever was on her mind, while Dad just tended to sit back and listen. Jeff had even told him about that one Christmas when he'd made Liz cry by stealing her toy keyboard. She'd made up for that on Jeff's birthday by destroying his toy spaceship.

"With the way mom tracks dirt in from the garden, I don't think she'd care if you did the same." Jeff decided. He realized Jensen had been collecting information without Jeff noticing at all. Jeff shook his head, wondering how the entire Confed hadn't just spilled its secrets within a minute of Jensen being sent out there.

"All right," Jensen said. "I can live with the boots then. Time?" he touched his earpiece, signaling that he wasn't talking to Jeff just then. "We'd better get back to the hotel. You need to shave before we head out."

"Hey!" Jeff protested, rubbing his cheeks. His mom would complain if he showed up scruffy looking. But Jeff knew how much Jensen liked Jeff's stubble. "What about . . . after dinner?"

Jensen laughed. "Well, Jeff, that'll depend on just how well dinner goes."

Jeff was determined to make this the best family dinner ever.

***

Jeff counted three extra hover cars parked in his parents' driveway. He wasn't surprised his mom had invited all of his sisters, but Jeff thought that they'd at least have something better to do in light of the last minute invitation. Apparently they would all share in Jeff's discomfort.

He guided Jensen with a gentle arm around his waist up the drive. They'd brought Mila who trotted at their heels. "We can just turn around and fly back to Texas if you want."

Jensen laughed. "A little late, don't you think? I bet your mom is watching us from the windows."

Damn it, Jeff knew Jensen was right. Jeff took a deep breath before ringing the doorbell. When it slid open, his youngest sister Liz stood on the other side. She looked behind her before leaning forward to speak in a low tone.

"Oh my god, Jeff. Everyone is here. Are you insane?"

"Nice to see you too, Liz. This is Jensen Ackles. Jen, this is my little sister, Liz."

"Hi Liz," Jensen waved.

"I am so sorry," she said, taking Jensen's hand and patting it. "You brought a dog? God, that's not your replacement baby or something?"

Jeff coughed, choking on his laughter. Before he could respond Jensen spoke: "No, she's my service dog. She's my eyes when I need her to be."

Liz punched Jeff in the shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me that before I embarrassed myself?"

"Liz? Is that Jeff?" Mom's voice came from inside as if she hadn't been watching.

"Yeah!" Liz shouted back.

Jeff took a deep breath. Well, here went nothing.

***

Jensen had been worried about losing his sense of place, of getting lost in the many family members Jeff's mother had invited to dinner. But Jeff kept one hand on Jensen's body at all times, grounding him from the moment they walked inside.

"Mom, Dad, this is Jensen," Jeff said.

"Oh, you're adorable," an older female voice said. Jeff's mother.

He grinned in the direction of the voice. "Thank you."

Behind him Mila barked, as if she were complaining about not being introduced. Jensen heard running footsteps, then kids' voices clamoring for attention. "Mom, can we play with the dog?" "She's so cute!" "Mom!"

Jensen knelt and scratched Mila's nape. "This is Mila. She's my guide dog, so she's actually working right now. I can give her permission to play with you, but she'll always want to make sure I'm okay first."

"But does she like to play?" A little girl's voice asked.

"She does. Even working dogs need some time off." Jensen bent close to Mila's ear and unclipped her leash. "Playtime," he told her, the keyword that took her off-duty. Even when she wasn't busy being his eyes, Mila seemed to just want to be near him anyway. Like Jared always said, she knew her person. "Be good, have fun with the kids."

Mila barked and he heard her nails click against the hard floor as she ran towards the children. Jensen stood, holding on to Jeff for extra support.

"They're all at the kids table," another woman said.

"Jensen, this is Gillian," Jeff introduced, "And her husband Matt and . . ."

"The niece you've never met. Go say hi to your uncle Jeff, Katherine."

Jensen could feel Jeff's hand tighten around his bicep. "She was born when I was off-planet. Hey, sweetheart."

"You need to visit more often, Jeff. Or at least have the decency to comm!"

"Clearly!" Jeff tugged on Jensen's arm. "Should we sit down for dinner? I'm pretty hungry."

"Oh, yes. I had your father put all three leaves in the dining room table," Jeff's mom said. "Haven't had to do that since Christmas!"

"And we still have to put the kids in the kitchen." Liz's voice was the most recognizable of all of Jeff's relatives. Jensen found himself liking her already.

"Just be glad you're not in there with them!"

Jensen allowed Jeff to lead him, knowing there was no way he was going to manage to make it to the dining room through however many people were there. His ear cam was useless; there was too much commotion for Jensen to pay attention to the tiny voice in his ear.

Jeff held the chair out for Jensen, which covered his helping Jensen get seated. Jensen touched the edge of the table, carefully walking his fingers over the place setting, the porcelain and metal cool beneath his skin, memorizing where the forks and plates were.

"Mom, you didn't cook all this, did you?" Jeff asked.

"Sweetie, what do you think caterers are for?" His mom laughed. "All I had to do was heat it up."

Jeff leaned over and whispered in Jensen's ear. "It's a roast, rosemary potatoes, string beans and herb bread. I'll dish you up a plate?"

"Please?" Jensen asked.

Conversations went on around them, but it lulled long enough for Jensen to concentrate on his food. He managed to keep from embarrassing himself. Even if he did, Jeff's family seemed far too occupied to comment.

"So, Jensen," Jeff's mom said. "What do you do?"

Silverware clattered to the table. "Mom! Do you even look at a news feed?" one of Jeff's sisters hissed, though Jensen couldn't tell which sister at this point.

"I was in the military, like Jeff." That answered that question, if Jeff's family recognized him. Apparently his mom wasn't a fan of the vid feeds, and Jensen could work with that.

"Is that how you and my brother met?" Liz asked.

Jensen grinned as Jeff squeezed his knee. "Yes, actually. We were assigned to work on a mission together."

"One of those top secret things you can't talk about?" Liz asked.

"Actually, the agreement will be made public eventually," Jeff said. "So you won't have to wait too long to find out."

"But top secret for right now." Jensen laughed.

"I assume you're no longer in the service?" Jeff's dad asked.

"Technically I've retired, like Jeff."

More silverware hit the plates. "Jeff? You retired?"

"Oops?" Jensen turned his head towards Jeff.

Before Jeff could respond, a clattering of commotion caught everyone's attention. Jensen could feel the vibration of the children running, their footsteps like a cacophony throughout the room.

"Mom, Billy took my chicken leg!"

"It's MY chicken leg."

Something jostled the back of Jensen's chair, knocking him into the table. He caught the edge to steady himself.

Jensen heard a low rumble that sounded almost like an engine starting up. It took him a moment to realize it was Mila, responding to the chaos with a deep, belly growl. She must have taken the kids shoving Jensen's chair as a threat.

"Mila! No, come sit," Jensen said hastily, before she did something really bad, like attack one of the children. He felt her press against his legs and Jensen reached down to clip the leash on, to keep her on-duty. She'd never been around a group of children before and Jensen could kick himself for not remembering that.

"Billy, you stop stealing your sister's food. Don't you think you've had enough?" in the distance he heard Jeff's sister lecturing her son. She must have taken them back into the kitchen.

"Maybe I should make Mila a plate?" Jeff leaned over and murmured.

Jensen laughed, hoping it covered the way his heart thumped against his chest. Everything was fine, Mila hadn't hurt anyone. He doubted anyone else had even noticed. "That might be a good idea."

The rest of the dinner went much better, once they got Mila distracted and steered the conversation away from the Corps. Jensen asked Jeff's parents about their vacation home on Mars, and then segued into some nice family stories that everyone could interject and add to. Job well done, Jensen thought.

After dessert, Jeff made their excuses. His dad walked them to the door. "Come back tomorrow," he said, "When the rest of the troop is out. We can talk about this retirement deal. And your mother and I can get to know Jensen."

"Nice quiet lunch?" Jeff asked.

"Anything would be quiet compared to tonight."

Jensen just smiled. "It was a pleasure meeting you."

"And you." Jensen actually believed him.

***

The heat flared the moment they walked back into the hotel room. Jeff couldn't stop thinking about undoing the buttons on Jensen's shirt, revealing creamy skin with each flick of his wrist. He put his hands on Jensen's waist, stopping him from moving any further into the room, and nuzzled against Jensen's neck. "You up for it?"

Jensen shivered at his touch. "Even though you shaved?"

Jeff chuckled. He caught the scent of something woodsy, probably the soap the hotel provided, but it suited Jensen, only enhanced his natural fragrance. "Hey, you're the one who asked me to!"

"Yeah, Jeff." Jensen turned in his arms. He caught his hands in Jeff's hair and pulled Jeff down until their lips met. Jeff closed his eyes, mesmerized in Jensen's taste, rich over the flavor of dessert left behind. "I want you to fuck me."

Jeff pulled back, shocked. "You sure?" He couldn't help the way desire stirred in his gut. It had been far too long since he'd been inside Jensen.

Jensen nodded, biting his lips. He didn't look sure, but Jeff would take him at his word. He titled Jensen's face up. "Say the word and I'll stop."

"I know. I trust you, Jeff."

It took Jeff a moment to respond. He examined Jensen's face, looking for any sign of doubt. Jensen trusted him. Jeff couldn't ask for a greater gift. "Get out of those pants," Jeff ordered, "And get on the bed. Leave the shirt on."

Jensen let out a laugh, but he obeyed, wiggling out of his pants before climbing onto the huge bed. He pushed Mila off when he encountered her against his pillow. Now was not naptime.

Jeff grinned as he went hunting in his bag for the bottle of lube he'd brought with them. He'd been prepared, even if Jensen had decided he'd never be able to take this step.

Jensen made the most fuckable of pictures, sitting back against the head of the bed, wearing nothing but the button-down shirt that just barely covered his crotch. His cock curved against one thigh, flushed a dark red. Jeff left the lube on the end table as he stripped himself. He kicked off his boots and nearly tripped in his haste to get out of his own pants.

"Want to unbutton you," Jeff growled, crawling up on the bed between Jensen's spread legs.

Jensen slid one hand down his chest, fiddling with the first button. "You mean this button?" He popped it open, a seductive smile on his face. "Or this one?"

"That's my button," Jeff said. He darted forward, pulling Jensen's hand away. He replaced it with his mouth, tugging the button free before mouthing at the smooth skin beneath. Jeff moved down, undoing the next with his teeth, continuing down until Jensen was completely bared.

He didn't stop there. Jeff mouthed at Jensen's navel before licking a stripe up his swollen cock. Jensen moaned, arching up.

Jeff reached for the lube, coating his fingers before sliding one under Jensen's balls and against his hole. "Ok, sweetheart?"

Jensen nodded, his face flushed. "Talk to me, Jeff, please."

"You don't even know how beautiful you are," Jeff kept his voice low as he slipped his finger inside Jensen. "All flushed and sweaty, your dick nice and hard for me. You're so hot inside. Can't wait to be in you, Jen."

"Mmm." Jensen let out a sound, like he couldn't form words as Jeff slipped a second finger inside. Jensen just opened to him, riding his fingers like he was made for them.

"Gonna get you all wet, boy, then fuck you good and hard." Jeff watched Jensen's face, looking for any indication that Jensen was uncomfortable. He saw lust in his eyes, still so expressive even though they couldn't see.

Jeff slipped a third finger inside. Jensen was so slick and hot, grinding down on Jeff's fingers. He'd lifted one hand to grasp at the headboard behind him, and Jeff saved that thought for later. "Wanna ride my cock?"

"Yeah, Jeff, yeah."

It would be easier this way, Jensen could control how deep he went and he could always back off if he decided he couldn't do it. Jeff moved into position, guiding Jensen to straddle him and then down on his cock. His hands slid up Jensen's back, gliding along sweat slick skin as he sank into the warm wet heat.

Jensen wrapped his legs and arms around Jeff, surrounding him completely. Jeff moved to grip Jensen's hips, guiding him as he rolled against Jeff. It had been far too long. Pleasure coiled in his groin as Jensen moved deeper, sheathing Jeff to the hilt.

"You're so hot," Jeff blurted, thrusting upward against Jensen, until they found a sort of rhythm together, Jensen coming down just as Jeff moved up. "Missed this, boy. Needed you."

"Jeff," Jensen cried out, his voice raw.

Jeff grasped for Jensen's dick, finding it hard and leaking. He ran a thumb across the tip, causing Jensen to throw back his head and moan. He wanted to feel Jensen clench and clamp around his cock, feel Jensen go absolutely insane with his orgasm. "Come for me, love," he murmured, speeding up his strokes, moving his hand exactly the way he knew Jensen liked it.

Jensen's breath hitched and he stilled for a moment before he erupted around Jeff's fingers. "That's it," Jeff praised before he was lost in the way Jensen felt around him, so tight around his cock, almost unbearable. He pulled Jensen close before he gave in and came deep inside him.

It had been so long, Jeff couldn't bear to let Jensen go just yet. He kept him within the circle of his arms, tracing patterns on his back and buttocks. "You are amazing," Jeff whispered, nuzzling kisses against Jensen's lips.

Jensen laughed. "This was amazing," he said. "I didn't think I could, but you, Jeff."

"Yeah?"

"Stars, I love you," Jensen said, so low Jeff wasn't sure he heard him.

Jeff stroked his fingers through Jensen's damp hair. They might want a shower before bed. "You know I love you, too, right Jen?"

Jensen rested his head against Jeff's shoulder. "I think I figured that out when you brought me to meet your parents."

Jeff laughed too, feeling his face flush with embarrassment. He still thought that might not be his best idea, but it got them away from the last angry moment at the cabin. Jeff never again wanted to see Jensen crying and have his own friend be the cause.

Mila chose that moment to whine, probably protesting being thrown out of bed. It was probably a good time to let Jensen up, no matter how much Jeff wanted to keep him in his arms forever.


	10. Chapter 10

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

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[bdsm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bdsm), [bigbang 2010](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bigbang%202010), [for the heart i once had](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/for%20the%20heart%20i%20once%20had), [ja/jdm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/ja/jdm), [my fic](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/my%20fic), [rps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/rps), [sex corps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/sex%20corps)  
  
  
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**For The Heart I Once Had (10/12)**   
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"I think I might be ready to try a scene."

Jeff turned and blinked at Jensen. "You bring this up now? When we're about to walk into my parents' house?"

Jensen grinned. "You need the time the think about it."

Right, that's exactly what he needed to be thinking about. Jeff shook his head, trying to chase away the thoughts of a naked and bound Jensen at his mercy. He really didn't want to greet his parents while trying to quell his erection.

Luckily as soon as Dad opened the door, Jeff was able to change his focus. "Hey, Dad."

"Jeff, you guys made it! Nice to see you again, Jensen. Come on in."

It was so odd to see how little this house had changed. Jeff hadn't been here for four years, you'd think his mom might have put up a different picture or rearranged the chairs in the living room. Instead it was the same red paisley patterned fabrics, the striped wallpaper and the holo sculptures in the shape of exotic alien flowers.

He kept his hand at Jensen's back, guiding him in to the house as he had last night. Mila trotted along behind them, tail wagging and nose up in the air. Before they had gotten very far, Mom came up to them, throwing her arms around Jensen.

Jeff stiffened, knowing that Jensen didn't like to be touched by people he didn't know.

"I'm so sorry! You poor boy!" She pulled away and patted Jensen's cheeks gently.

Jensen bit his lip and Jeff knew he was holding back. "Mom," he said. "What are you talking about?"

"We finally watched the media broadcasts. Your sisters forwarded us the relevant bits." Dad let out a sigh. "You've been through a lot, Jensen."

"He has." Jeff put his arm around Jensen's waist. They'd tortured him and tried to break him, but Jensen had survived. Jeff had to swallow down a lump in his throat. He saw his mother wipe her eyes, hiding the tears.

Jensen covered Jeff's hand with his own and squeezed it gently. "I'd honestly prefer not to talk about it, if you don't mind."

"Of course. I made a salad and some finger sandwiches for lunch. Jeff, if you and Jensen could set the table I'll bring it all out."

Jensen grinned. "I'd be happy to help."

That was another point for Mom. Jeff had to swallow down the emotions that threatened to come up, especially as he watched Jensen lay the plates on the table. First Jensen felt for the edge with one hand, before carefully putting the white and lavender ceramic plate down. Jeff followed with the silverware, for a moment so lost in memories he couldn't speak.

He'd brought Katie here to meet his family nearly a decade ago now. His mom had sent Katie to set the table while she quizzed him about his plans to settle down. She'd wanted him to leave the military for so long and had hoped Katie would be the reason, the one thing that would get Jeff out of the line of fire.

Back then duty was more important than anything else. Jeff was too busy saving other people to worry about himself. But now, he thought he'd paid his dues, they both had. He and Jensen deserved this, deserved something more.

"All right?" Jensen asked.

"Absolutely perfect," Jeff told him.

***

Jensen dug into the dirt, feeling a little bit like Mila as he did so. But there was something satisfying in using his own hands in physical labor. He was on his knees, bent over the garden bed helping to create life of the green sort. It made him smile.

"That looks just about perfect, dear."

Jeff's mom had invited him to help her work in her garden. She never seemed to notice his blindness, although she gave him tasks he could do easily enough by feeling around with his fingers. Right now he dug holes for her bulbs, counting the distance between them by walking his fingers through the dirt.

He remembered the incredible gardens around the palace on Harmony. In the midst of metal and stone, they had lush greenery, intricate trees and bushes dotted with beds of colorful flowers. He'd walked into clearings arranged around a fountain, encased by the branches of trees. The one thing Jensen couldn't quite recall was the scent of them. His memory lingered in the visual that he could no longer indulge in.

Jensen knew scent now. He caught the wet richness of the earth or the thick fragrance of the flowers. Sometimes when Jeff's mother bent close her perfume drifted over him, a mix of flowers and spice. He wanted to ask her about it, but didn't want to seem overly forward.

Jeff's mother had thrown all of his expectations and carefully worded plans aside. She seemed to accept him as part of her family already and Jensen didn't quite know how to handle that.

"What are we planting?" he asked as he sat back on his heels, feeling the stone path beneath him.

"Hyacinth," she told him. "Before it gets cold. They'll sprout in the spring."

Jensen frowned, trying to remember what hyacinth looked like. "Are they the little purple flowers?"

"Purple and white. Lovely scent, too. You'll be able to really appreciate them in the spring."

Jensen rubbed his hands together, dusting as much of the dirt off as he could. "You seem to think I'll be here then."

"Don't tell me my son hasn't made his intentions plain?" Jeff's mother sounded almost angry. Jensen had no doubt that she'd go and give Jeff a stern talking to if he hadn't.

"Oh, no. I mean, yes, he has." If there was one thing Jeff made clear was that he wanted to be with Jensen. Jensen could feel a little flush rising in his cheeks and he wasn't sure if it was embarrassment or sunburn. "I just didn't think you'd want me with your son."

She took his hand, patting it gently. It reminded Jensen strongly of Jeff, of the way he showed his affection through touch. Jeff probably got that from his mom. "Jeff," she let out a sigh. "Jeff has the Corps deep in his blood. It took me a long time to accept that. No mother wants to see her baby getting hurt. I think you're a lot like him. You understand that about him the way no one else can."

Jensen covered her hand over his, feeling the strength there along with the slightly wrinkled, yet soft, skin. "What about Katie?" He needed to ask when Jeff wasn't there to change the subject.

"Ah." He could hear the smile in her voice. "Katie. That girl was a fighter. She fought against everything and everyone. At the time, Jeff needed that, I think."

"But not anymore?"

She pulled her hand from his, but only to touch the side of his face, perhaps clearing away some dirt. "You know Katie's favorite flower was the camellia?"

"Um. No, I didn't." Jensen had no clue what this was about.

"They are large red flowers. You can't miss them when you walk into the garden. I planted the shrubs after she died." She pulled away from him. "The hyacinth isn't anywhere as large. But its scent tickles your nose and it takes over a room before you've even noticed its there."

Jensen swallowed hard, realizing what she was saying. He was Jeff's hyacinth, taking a place in his life that neither of them expected.

"Now, call that dog of yours before she digs up my tulips."

Jensen laughed. "Mila!"

***

"Stop spying out the window, Jeff. You're acting like your mother is going to kidnap him."

Jeff turned away from the window where he could just barely make out Jensen and his mother working in her garden. "Can you blame me? He's blind, dad."

"And your mother knows that. She'll keep the sharp tools away."

"You're not exactly inspiring confidence here." Jeff dropped onto the couch, sprawling to take up as much room as possible.

His father had gone to poke at the liquor cabinet. "Drink? I have some lovely brandy from the border."

Jeff tapped his fingers on the arm of the couch, unable to keep still. A drink might calm him down a bit, but he wanted to keep his mind clear. "Isn't it a little early for that?"

"It's very good brandy." Dad poured himself a fingers width, carrying the glass with him as he settled in his recliner. Jeff wondered if he and Mom still argued over that chair.

"Mom seems to like Jensen," Jeff said, wishing he had a drink to fiddle with. Right now he didn't know where to put his hands. He hated that Jensen was out of sight, though he damn well knew he had to give the other man his space.

Dad peered at him over his glass. He looked so much older than the last time Jeff had come home - his hair had gone completely gray, the wrinkles around his eyes were more pronounced. "Is there any reason she shouldn't?"

"Neither of you mind that his face has been plastered all over the media feeds?"

Dad leaned forward. "We felt the same way when it was your face all over the media feeds. Scared to death."

Jeff didn't like to think about those days. They'd called him a hero, just like they were calling Jensen a hero. He'd done what he could at Alfani and managed to save 300 people. But there were still bad days when Jeff thought it hadn't been enough.

"That poor boy. What he had to go through, I can't imagine." Dad shook his head. "But because of him, the Confed may destroy itself."

Some people didn't think Jensen was a hero. Jeff rubbed his forehead, remembering hearing Rick call Jensen a whore. Damn it, he hated that Jensen had internalized that, thought of his work as anything but commendable.

"Thought you and Mom weren't following the feeds."

"Jeff, we always follow news on the war. We just don't always watch it. Besides, I bet Jensen is damn tired of getting recognized."

"Especially when he can't see the people staring at him."

Dad picked up the remote for the main comm unit in this room. He fiddled with it for a moment before speaking. "I wanted to tell you I'm glad you're finally settling down."

"Dad. . ."

"Let me finish. Your mom and I were long past asking you to give up the Corps. He seems like a good man and if he's the one who makes you happy, whether you're in space or not, well, all the better for us."

"Thanks, Dad." Jeff felt the weight lift off his shoulders.

"And, stars, if he can survive your mother's gardening lectures, he sure is a keeper."

Jeff laughed.

Dad flicked on the comm. "Want to keep up with the news now. Heard something was brewing in the Confed."

After a moment he found a news feed that wasn't annoying as all heck. Jeff watched the hologram in the center of the room, dumbfounded as the entire forces of the Confed were turned against each other, represented on a grid in four different colors, each representing a different heir to the emperor's reign. It must be hard to tell who your friends were. Space battles were chaotic enough when there was just one enemy to worry about, never mind three.

The holo changed to the image of a news anchor, a woman in a smart looking blue suit and too perfect hair. Behind her the image of a man appeared.

"Breaking news just in. We've learned that the youngest son of the Confed emperor, Prince Milo, has been killed in combat. Milo was the heir who was least expected to take on his father's reign, but was unwilling to back any of his siblings. There is no word on who his forces are now supporting . . . Stay on this station for a retrospective on the history of the Confederation, the emperor, including exclusive baby holos. . ."

Dad switched off the holo. "See why we don't watch the feeds?"

Jeff ran his hands through his hair. He was damn glad he wasn't in the field right now. Space must be chaos. What was going on in the border? Had the slave trade stopped or intensified? Who controlled the power sources? Had they found the source of the information leak in the UP?

"I don't blame you." Jeff stood and started to pace. He was not thinking about contacting some colleagues and seeing what was really going on, he absolutely wasn't.

He heard the back door open and his mother's voice. Jensen was back.

***

Jensen doubted Jeff had any real time to think about preparing a scene. They had spent most of the day with his parents, staying for dinner as well. He found himself really liking Jeff's mom, though her preoccupation with getting Liz set up with someone - anyone - was slightly disconcerting. Before they left, she pressed Jensen's hand tightly and told him to make sure Jeff kept in touch. Jensen had agreed. He understood the need to keep family close.

Once they got back to the hotel room, Jensen figured they'd head to bed early. He started to get out his nighttime meds and had the case out of his bag and on the end table when Jeff finally spoke up.

"How tired are you, exactly?"

Jensen's hands hovered over his pill case. He thought about it, cataloging the aches and pains in his body after a day of gardening. The physical activity was different than riding, but he realized he had missed the exercise. He was tired, but not sleepy. "I don't think I'm ready to go to bed just yet."

Jeff chuckled. "You will be when I'm done with you."

Those words, that deep voice, it all went straight to Jensen's groin. If he wasn't interested before, he damn well was now. "All right," he said.

"Strip. Everything. I don't want to see a stitch of clothing on you."

"Yes, sir."

Without his clothes on Jensen always felt more vulnerable, especially with how he was perpetually in the dark. It was too much like his time as a prisoner of the Confed. He stretched out his senses as he stood, completely nude, in the hotel room, trying to listen for Jeff, paying attention to any vibrations from the floor to try to guess where Jeff had gone. It wasn't until he felt Jeff's breath against the back of his neck that he felt at all safe.

Then Jeff covered Jensen's eyes with a soft fabric, probably one of the scarves from his toy bag. Jensen let out a little laugh. "Isn't this a little redundant?"

A sharp smack to one ass cheek had him gasping.

"Who's in charge here?" Jeff asked in a sharp voice.

Jensen swallowed, clenching and unclenching his hands. "You, sir."

He relaxed a bit when he felt Jeff's hand on his back, his palm warm against Jensen's skin. "Remember your word," Jeff said. "Soon as you say it, this all stops."

Jensen didn't want it to stop. Not yet anyway. Anticipation filled him as he waited for what Jeff would do next. He started to remember what it was he liked, the pleasure that came only from willingly giving over control to someone else, as long as that person was worthy.

Jeff didn't take his hands off of Jensen's body. He slid down Jensen's back, down his ass cheeks, which he parted for a just a moment, as if giving some sort of inspection. Jeff had amazing hands, strong and sure. Jensen's cock ached, so hard at just the idea of Jeff touching him.

He could smell Jeff as he circled around, still keeping up that light yet persistent touch, a bit of sweat and the faint trail of the soap used in his shirts. Jensen inhaled deeply, almost tasting that aroma of musk that meant Jeff was just as turned on as he.

The blindfold was a constant presence on his face and, oddly enough, it charged the scene. It reminded Jensen of the very first time they had come together, back on the Mercury. Jeff had used the blindfold then and had made Jensen beg. He swallowed, wondering if Jeff would do that again.

"Get on your back on the bed," Jeff ordered. "Hands on the headboard."

"Yes, sir."

Jensen stepped forward and nearly tripped. He should have known he was so close to the bed. But something about the heat of the scene had crossed all of his wires. He threw his hands out and crawled onto the bed.

Something of his old self had him wiggling his ass and hopefully giving Jeff a little show. Jensen had known his body before; he'd known how to show it off to its best advantage. It might have changed, but Jeff still seemed fond of it.

It felt good to stretch his arms over his head, to grasp the headboard and hold on. When Jeff straddled him Jensen caught his breath, feeling the scrape of Jeff's jeans against his bare skin. Jeff hadn't stripped and that was something that never failed to turn Jensen's crank. Then Jeff wound a loop of scarf around one wrist before affixing it to the headboard.

He tugged on it for a moment before saying, "You can still slip out of it, if you need to."

Jensen tugged on the bonds and realized Jeff was right. Sometimes that could be more dangerous than completely binding a sub so they couldn't untie themselves. But it wasn't his role to lecture Jeff, not anymore. He'd given himself over to Jeff's care and understood that Jeff wanted him to know he could escape. Hazard or no, Jensen appreciated it.

"Thank you, sir," he whispered.

Jeff curved a hand around Jensen's cheek, holding his face in place as he kissed him. This kiss was dominating, possessing. Jeff took Jensen's mouth, keeping him in place with nothing more than his own lips and tongue. As he pulled away Jensen found himself panting for more. Then Jeff tied his other wrist to the headboard.

Jensen tugged on his bindings. He groaned, clenching his fists as he struggled. It felt good to be bound at Jeff's mercy. His entire body thrummed with excitement and desire. He arched his back as Jeff pulled away, missing the contact.

"Spread those long legs," Jeff ordered, gently pressing Jensen's thighs apart.

Jensen shivered at the touch on the sensitive skin so close to his groin. Why couldn't Jeff touch him where he wanted?

The weight on the bed shifted as Jeff moved to gather something. Jensen held his breath, listening hard to see if he could guess what Jeff meant to do now. He heard the snap of the bottle of lube. Jensen spread his thighs further, canting his hips up. He hoped he didn't appear too eager, but it was like last night had opened the floodgates. Jensen knew he could trust Jeff, to both ground him and take him to the highest of sexual heights.

He bit his lip when Jeff's fingers touched his hole. The lube wasn't cold, which meant he'd warmed it in his hands beforehand.

"Let me know if it's too much."

Before Jensen could ask him what he meant, he felt the pressure of something hard against his opening. Jeff had used one of the dildos from the toybag. Jensen breathed out carefully as he bore down against the dildo. If Jeff thought he was ready for this then he could take it.

Jeff started slow, opening him up until Jensen could take the full length of the dildo. He stopped to add more lube every so often, so the intrusion was welcome, especially when it tapped against his prostate.

Jensen gasped and cried out, pulling against the bonds holding him to the bed. "Please!"

"Easy, boy, I'll get you there," Jeff promised.

Jensen closed his eyes, letting himself feel the weight of the blindfold over them. He lost himself in sensation - the tightening scarves around his wrists, the slight ache in his thighs as he kept them pulled apart, and the warm fullness inside him. He floated on a sea of desire, his cock so swollen it hurt.

"Can you come off of this boy?" Jeff asked, his voice down to a deep growl. "This dildo splitting you open?"

Jensen moaned, tilting his hips to chase the dildo as Jeff pulled it out. "If you want me to I will."

"Oh, Jen." Jeff put one hand on Jensen's hip, holding him in place as the other moved the dildo faster and deeper. He knew Jensen's body so well, getting the rhythm just right.

Before Jensen could doubt himself or his ability do what Jeff asked, the dildo pressed hard against his prostate as Jeff took hold of Jensen's cock. The touch scalded him. Jeff's hand was hot and rough, and the simple contact was all he needed to come with a shout.

Jensen panted as if he'd been running all night. He just heard the sounds of Jeff unzipping his fly and he whimpered, expecting Jeff to take the dildo out and slide right in. Instead, he felt Jeff push the dildo in deeper.

"Gonna come on you, boy, show you who you belong to."

"Please," Jensen murmured.

He could hear the sounds of Jeff breathing speeding up as he stroked himself to completion. Jensen held himself taut, waiting for the moment that Jeff's come landed on his belly and chest. He sank against the sheets, feeling a weird sort of release as the hot liquid touched his skin.

Jeff's hands followed, rubbing his come into Jensen's skin. He stretched out next to Jensen, nibbling up his jaw and the lobe of his ear. "Mine."

"Yours," Jensen agreed, turning his head to meet Jeff for a kiss.

Jensen's limbs felt too heavy, his body loose and free. He dozed slightly, not resisting when Jeff pulled out the dildo and undid the knots on the scarves, letting Jensen's hands free. Jeff left the blindfold for last.

"It would have been nice if I'd suddenly been able to see once you did that." Jensen let out a yawn, covering his mouth a shade too late.

Jeff ran his fingers through Jensen's hair and he leaned into the touch. "Wish that too, Jensen."

"Mmmm," Jensen mumbled, snuggling against a warm and soft Jeff. "Sleep now."

Jeff laughed. "You still have to take your meds. I'll let Mila out."

Jensen's eyes snapped open. "Oh, poor dog, where is she?"

"Under the bed. I think she knows when we need to be alone."

Jensen could feel himself flush. He knew she was smarter than the average dog, but stars knew, he really hoped she didn't understand this. "Next time we get the dog her own room."

He let Jeff's laughter soothe him into sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

| 

  
[bdsm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bdsm), [bigbang 2010](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bigbang%202010), [for the heart i once had](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/for%20the%20heart%20i%20once%20had), [ja/jdm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/ja/jdm), [my fic](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/my%20fic), [rps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/rps), [sex corps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/sex%20corps)  
  
  
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**For The Heart I Once Had (11/12)**   
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Jeff should have known things were going too well. It was only a matter of time before it all came crashing down. He just hadn't expected how it happened.

They'd gone to Mom and Dad's again, this time Gillian and her daughter were visiting. Jeff hadn't known what to think about his sister naming her child after Katie. On one hand, he was honored. On the other, looking at the child's dark curls and wide eyes reminded him of what might have been.

"You all right?" Jensen asked, squeezing Jeff's hand under the dining table. Jeff hadn't eaten much of the lunch his mother had prepared, but there was no way for Jensen to know that.

"Fine," he said. The last thing he wanted was to make Jensen feel like shit simply because of Jeff's old regrets. Their relationship was about making something new.

Before Jensen could call Jeff out on his avoidance, which he damn well knew Jensen would, a little hand tugged on his sleeve. "Uncle Jeff, can I play with the dog?"

She was going to be a heartbreaker, this one. "Well, sweetie, it's Jensen's dog, you're going to have to ask him."

Katherine blinked her pretty brown eyes at him and nodded. She tugged on Jensen's hand. "C'mon, Uncle Jensen. Let's play."

Jensen smiled at her, his cheeks flushing a bit, probably at being called uncle. Jeff didn't like the shadows under Jensen's eyes. As far as he knew Jensen was sleeping just fine, even with their enthusiastic rolls in the hay. It was as if, now that he could, nothing was going to keep Jeff from indulging in Jensen's body. Maybe he should insist on an early bedtime tonight, for both of them.

"Come, Mila," Jensen said. He let the little girl lead him away from the table and Mila followed after them both, her tail wagging furiously.

"Let the kids play," Gillian said with a laugh. She started to collect the dirty plates from the table.

Jeff got up to help her, since he was not going to let his mother do the dishes after she'd already spent the morning cooking. Together they managed to clear the table and load the dishwasher and their mother only protested once before Dad led her back into the living room.

"I have to say, Jeff, that you surprised me," Gill said, poking at the settings on the dishwasher. "I didn't think you'd settle down again, never mind leave the Corps."

Jeff wiped his hands on a dishtowel as he gathered his thoughts. He had never really settled down with Katie. No matter how much he loved her, he still dragged her out into the galaxy to live the life of a soldier's spouse. "I think I finally learned that some things are more important."

She flashed him a grin. "Are you going to get a house nearby? Hire a surrogate and give Mom even more grandchildren?"

"I think you've been chatting with Mom far too much," Jeff told her. "Besides, I heard her new crusade was finding someone for Liz."

"Don't tell Mom, but Liz might not need any help on that."

Now that was interesting news. "Anyone I know?"

Before she could reply, a scream cut through the air. Jeff dropped the dishtowel, knowing that wasn't the squeal of a child playing.

"Jeff! Jeff!" His mother called.

Jeff ran, pushing the kitchen door so hard it slammed against the wall. He had his mouth open to ask what was wrong as he made it into the living room, only to see Jensen huddled in a ball on the floor, Mila licking at his face. Falling to his knees, Jeff pushed Mila away.

"Jen?"

Jensen looked like he had on the floor of Jeff's guestroom, all those months ago. His hands had curled into claws, his muscles tight with tension and his eyes screwed closed.

"Hurts," Jensen said. He tried to reach for Jeff, but yelped and curled back in on himself.

Panic had Jeff's heart thumping. He didn't know how to help Jensen. Jensen's doctors were too far and Jeff would have to explain far too much to the closest hospital. He took one of Jensen's hands in his and massaged it gently. Jensen clearly knew where he was, so this was more than a simple panic attack or flashback. "Do you know why?"

"Drug patch, wore off. Forgot to change it."

Damn it. Jeff looked at the thin patch at the back of Jensen's neck. It had turned a shade of pink, one of the signs the medication was wearing off. He hadn't even noticed. Jeff knew he'd be kicking himself for weeks.

All of Jensen's medicine was back at the hotel. For a moment Jeff debated leaving Jensen here while he went back to get it. But he knew he couldn't do that, he could never leave Jensen in pain like this.

"Jeff, what's wrong?" Mom asked. "Should we call an ambulance?"

"No!" Jensen shouted.

"Mommy!" Katherine was crying.

Damn it, Jeff was failing them all. He shook off his mom's hand and scooped Jensen up in his arms. Jeff had to close his eyes for a moment, so assaulted with memories about the last time he had to do this, back on Harmony when he'd had to carry Jensen to their medics.

"No, I have his medicine at the hotel. I need to take him there."

"I'll help you," Dad said, already clearing the way and opening the front door. He had the key chip for the car somehow, but Jeff didn't question it. He had a whimpering Jensen in his arms and needed all the help he could get.

***

Jeff had found a note from Jared in the little medical kit, written on a slim piece of holo-plast with his name scrawled on the back. It contained brief instructions on what to do when Jensen forgot one or another of his meds. He didn't think about Jared being so certain this would happen, just took the preloaded hypoderm and hit Jensen with the sedative before he replaced the medicine patch.

Dad had helped him get Jensen on the bed. Mila hopped up right away, curling herself against Jensen's chest. Once Jeff got the sedative in him, Jensen relaxed enough to pull the dog close, burying his face in her golden fur.

"Does this happen often?" Dad asked in a low voice as he pulled the covers over Jensen's legs.

Jeff shook his head. "It's only the second time I've seen him like this."

He'd decided before they even left Texas that Jeff would treat Jensen like an adult, let him manage his own medicine. Jensen seemed to chafe at Jared's constant managing. Jeff didn't want to be that guy, the one who nagged his partner to annoyance.

But sometimes people made mistakes. Jensen couldn't be perfect all the time and that's why Jeff should have been paying better attention. He was Jensen's Dom, damn it, he should never have let it get this bad.

Jeff stroked the sweaty hair off of Jensen's forehead, hating how his lover still looked so pale. He worried how bad this setback had fucked with Jensen's healing. They'd have to go back to Texas and meet with his doctors. Holo-meetings wouldn't cut it.

"Jeff." His dad touched his arm. "I'm going to comm your mom, let her know Jensen is okay. Then I'll get a shuttle home."

"You don't need to do that, Dad, I can drive you. . ."

"No, stay with Jensen." The steel in Dad's voice could compete with a few captains. Jeff resisted the urge to salute. "Call us if you need us."

"Thanks." Jeff swallowed down the lump in his throat.

He didn't even notice when Dad left. Jeff sat on the bed, just watching Jensen's chest rise and fall with each breath. Eventually the lines of pain disappeared from Jensen's forehead and he seemed to fall into a natural sleep. Jeff went to make a pot of coffee. He would guard Jensen's dreams tonight.

***

Jensen woke slowly, the scent of dog thick in his nose. His head felt fuzzy and he knew that feeling. Jeff must have sedated him. Damn it.

He rolled onto his back, taking a moment to take stock of his body. Everything felt a little stiff. When he flexed his feet he winced. Stars, he hoped he hadn't undone all the progress he'd made these past few months. The drug patch had been almost like a miracle, giving him back sensation he'd thought lost forever. Now his feet were numb and piercing pain shot down his forearms from his palms.

Even if he had to do it all over again - all the physical therapy, the exercises, the straining to be normal - Jensen would. He didn't quit, wouldn't give up as long as there was hope. But what if the drug patch stopped working? That kind of thing happened. It had happened to him, early on in his recovery. One of the pain meds had lost all effectiveness.

If this combo of drugs stopped working and his nerves regenerated again, Jensen didn't know if he could live like that. He wouldn't be able to walk and he couldn't trust his hands the way he'd come to rely on them.

"Jensen," Jeff's voice was hoarse and nearby. His fingertips touched Jensen's cheek and it was only then that Jensen even noticed his own tears.

"Jeff." He reached out for him, burying his face against Jeff's warm chest. He inhaled Jeff's scent, so strong right now. It comforted him.

"I'm sorry," Jeff said. "I should have been looking out for you."

Jensen shook his head, unable to move away from the comfort of Jeff's body. "My fault. I lost track of time. That's the problem with vacation."

"I put us off schedule, dragging you out here like this."

"Okay, we are not going to play this game." Jensen pulled away from Jeff's embrace. He hated that he couldn't look Jeff in the eye. Cupping his hands around Jeff's face he said, "I promise I won't blame myself if you stop blaming yourself."

He could feel the smile on Jeff's cheeks. "I'm the one who promised to be your Dom. That means I'm responsible for taking care of you."

Jensen opened his mouth to counter that, but something crossed his mind. It was so simple that he couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it before. "Do you think that they could fix me on Harmony?"

Jeff didn't say anything for a long moment. The smile faded from his cheeks and Jensen didn't know what to think. Finally he said, "Your brother is going to kill me."

Jensen let out a little laugh. "Because you'd be doing exactly what he accused you of the moment you walked in our door? Getting me back in the Corps?"

"Jensen, they could do it, heal you. But is it worth the cost? Going back into the service?"

He thought about it for a moment. Maybe two months ago, Jensen would have said no, it wasn't. They'd found each other on Harmony, a place where Jensen's natural tendency toward submission was not only accepted but celebrated. Jeff had shown Jensen he could be that person once more. "I want to see you again," he admitted. "I'd do almost anything for that."

"Oh, Jen."

"Besides, Ferris owes me. I'm sure we can get some concessions." Jensen grinned, his mind already whirling with the possibilities. He needed Jeff with him on this. Jensen leaned forward, finding Jeff's lips with his own. "Can we do this?"

Jeff kissed Jensen back, his fingers digging into Jensen's shoulders. "Do you want this, Jen? If you do, I'll do whatever it takes to get you there, if I have to steal a ship myself."

Jensen could feel his eyes starting to water again. "Yeah, Jeff. I do."

"Then heaven help anyone who gets in our way."


	12. Chapter 12

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

| 

  
[bdsm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bdsm), [bigbang 2010](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/bigbang%202010), [for the heart i once had](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/for%20the%20heart%20i%20once%20had), [ja/jdm](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/ja/jdm), [my fic](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/my%20fic), [rps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/rps), [sex corps](http://epeeblade.livejournal.com/tag/sex%20corps)  
  
  
---|---  
  
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**For The Heart I Once Had (12/12)**   
_

  
  
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Jeff had expected Jared to punch him in the face. If the tables were turned and someone threatened to take one of his sisters away, Jeff would have slugged him. He hated to bring the kid down. Jared had been so happy when Jensen had sent word they were coming home, making sure to be there when they got in.

The air in Texas seemed too heavy, from the moment Jeff got out of the car. He knew it was his own guilt eating at him. This meeting wouldn't go well, he was sure of it.

"Hey!" Jared greeted them as they entered the house. Jeff carried their bags, with Jensen limping in behind him, Mila running in to hop up on Jared and lick at his face. "You've gotten so big!"

"That's what happens to puppies," Jensen said. He had his cane out and Jeff wondered exactly how bad he was hurting right now. This was his home; he should be able to navigate this room without needing his assistive devices.

Jared looked up from Mila and his eyes narrowed. "How was the vacation? You didn't comm me after you left the cabin."

"Oh." Jensen reached out with one hand and made contact with the back of the couch. He leaned against it. "I met Jeff's family."

Jared turned and faced Jeff, which was good, because that's where he could direct his anger, at Jeff, not Jensen. "Oh?"

Jeff tried to smile. "My parents and my sisters. It was like Thanksgiving without the turkey."

"Sounds exhausting." Jared gently moved Mila's paws off of his legs and walked over to where Jensen stood. "You look tired."

"I am," Jensen admitted. "How's Adrianne?"

Jared shrugged. "Great, actually. She'll be coming home tonight. She's been off-planet the past week."

Jensen nodded. "Jared . . ."

"What happened?" Jared cut in. "You look terrible, Jen. That's not something a vacation does. Unless . . ." Jared whirled around to glare at Jeff. "What did you do to him?"

"Stars," Jensen sighed. "Jared, come on. You damn well know better." He limped around the couch and eased himself onto the cushions. "I was an idiot and forgot to change the med patch."

Jared's shoulders slumped. He mouthed 'sorry' to Jeff before moving to sit next to Jensen. Jeff didn't move from the door, fully expecting to be tossed out when Jensen did tell Jared the rest of their news. He wanted Jensen to get this over with early, so Jeff wouldn't have to accept Jared's hospitality before stealing his brother.

"And what happened? Do I need to call the doctor?" Jared touched Jensen's arm. "Or do you want me to scan you?"

"Jared." Jensen dropped his head into his hands for a moment. Jeff left his post at the door and moved to lend his support, putting his hands on Jensen's shoulders. "It's always going to be like this, right? They can't fix me, nobody can figure out how to fix my DNA, or whatever the fuck Isaacs did to screw me up so much."

"Jensen, there are breakthroughs every day. You never know . . ."

"He's heard that before," Jeff broke in. "What if I could take him somewhere they'd be guaranteed to fix him?"

Jared looked up at him, more confused than angry at this point. "What do you mean?"

"Normally you know I can't talk about my missions. But I have to tell you about the one where I met Jeff."

Jared stiffened. "I can already tell I'm not going to like this."

"No, you're not."

"Stop that." Jensen smacked one of Jeff's hands. "Jeff was in charge of the Reclamation Project. You've seen that on the news feeds. They're going to be releasing info on Harmony soon enough anyway."

"Harmony?"

"Is the name of the city on planet 328," Jeff said. "It's also a living AI teeming with alien technology."

"Tech that might be able to fix me, Jare." Jensen turned towards his brother, as if reaching for him. "I want to try."

"Okay, fine. You go back there. They fix you and then?"

"Getting there isn't easy. It's not like they offer trips there from the shuttle station." Jensen folded his arms across his chest. "I'd have to hook up with the Corps again."

"Damn it, Jensen." Jared stood, his face flushed a deep red. "It's like you do this stuff on purpose!"

Jensen pushed himself to his feet. "What stuff?"

"You keep throwing yourself at danger. It's like you're not happy unless your life is at risk. Don't you care about your own damn life, Jen?"

"You don't understand, Jared. Going to Harmony is probably the most selfish thing I could do right now. They can heal me!"

"You don't know that, you're just guessing. Fuck, Jensen, I just got you back and now you're taking off for the other end of the galaxy again?"

"I can't talk to you when you're like this. It's not always about you, Jared." Jensen whistled and Mila trotted to his side. Together they walked out the front door, which slammed behind them.

Jeff knew this had to be solved between the two brothers. But he had to have his say. "You know he thinks you don't trust him to make the right decisions."

Jared looked at him, his face stricken. "What?"

"You're going to lose him, Jared, if you're not careful." Jeff shook his head. He felt for the kid, he really did. "I know it's hard to watch when someone you love does something you think is wrong. But you have to let him screw up, make his own mistakes. Otherwise that's not love, man."

"Damn it!" Jared swore and then followed Jensen out the front door.

Jeff let out a sigh. "I'll just wait here, then."

***

Jeff's words kept running through his mind - "you're going to lose him, Jared." He couldn't help the creeping fear that Jensen was already slipping through his fingers, that nothing Jared could say or do would keep him here and safe.

But that was the problem, wasn't it? Jensen didn't necessarily want safe and Jared wouldn't keep him on Earth against his will. His chest ached. Was it so wrong to want his brother close? Jared wanted Jensen happy, even more than he wanted him near. So if Jensen wanted to leave, Jared would have to let him go.

He found Jensen in one of the stables, nuzzling against Blossom's sad looking face. Jared couldn't help smiling. "How did I know I'd find you here?"

"I missed them." Jensen stepped back but still stroked the horse's muzzle. "How they smell, how they feel. I really missed riding."

"I guess they don't have horses on that planet. Harmony."

A smile snuck onto Jensen's face before he shook his head. "No, they don't."

Jared had thought of Jensen as fragile since his injuries. His brother had been broken, both mentally and physically, and it had been up to Jared to protect him from the media, the military or anyone else who wanted to get a piece of him. Looking at Jensen now, Jared didn't see the same hollow-looking Jensen he'd stolen from the military hospital. Jensen had filled out, no longer too thin. He looked tired, yes, but there was color in his cheeks. His eyes were bright with life, not dull and glazed.

Jensen didn't need Jared's protection any more. He had Jeff now, much like Jared had Adrianne. Jeff seemed to understand what Jensen needed in a way that was impossible for Jared. He could admit to himself that he was jealous of that, that he wasn't enough for Jensen.

Jensen had done so much for Jared. He'd hoped to repay his brother, just a little bit. Maybe, it wasn't about returning the favor. Maybe it all right to just be Jensen's brother.

"I'm sorry," he said, but that didn't even begin to cover everything Jared had to say.

Jensen finally turned away from the horse, facing Jared with his arms crossed over his chest. "No," he said. "I'm sorry."

Jared laughed. "Well, now that we're both sorry . . ."

"Jared."

"I don't want you to go, Jensen," Jared blurted. "But it doesn't matter what I want. Of course I want you to stay here. And maybe I've been a little overprotective."

Jensen snorted at that. Jared rolled his eyes, but even he realized that was an understatement.

"Jeff's right," Jared said. "I need to let you live your own life." Even if he hated it. Even if it took Jensen far away from him.

"You're actually taking advice from Jeff now?" Jensen scrambled for his cane and then started to walk in Jared's direction. "I actually find that a little bit scary."

"Sometimes he knows what he's talking about."

Jensen got close enough to wrap Jared in a hug, surprising him. "You know I'm not leaving you, right? I'm not running away."

Jared closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of Jensen in his arms. There had been so many times he thought he'd never see his brother again. "I do. But damn it, you're not getting out of frequent comm calls. I don't care how many beacons they need to put into orbit between here and Harmony."

With a laugh, Jensen pulled away just enough so Jared could look at him. "You'll be fine, Jared. Adrianne will keep you on your toes."

Jared blushed, glad for once that Jensen couldn't see it. "She might be pregnant," he blurted. "We're not sure yet, it's too soon to tell."

"See? You'll have plenty to worry about without throwing me into the mix." Jensen whistled and Mila came charging into the stable. "Come on, let's put Jeff out of his misery. He still thinks you're going to kick him out of the house."

"I still might."

"Jared!"

Jared wouldn't mind making Jeff sweat, just a little bit. "You know, Jen, I haven't been for a ride in ages. Feel like joining me?"

***

Jensen felt the bed dip slightly as a soft weight joined him. He smiled and reached out to scratch behind Mila's ears. "Sorry, pup, you're going to have to hide under the bed for a little bit."

She barked once in protest, but hopped off the bed obediently. It never failed to make him smile.

He could hear Jeff finishing up in the bathroom. Jensen lounged across the freshly made bed, having already disrobed, his clothes tucked away in the hamper in his closet. His body ached for Jeff's touch and he slid his own palm between his legs in anticipation.

"That's not the reception I expected," Jeff said, sounding farther away than he needed to be, probably in the doorway to the bathroom.

"Mmm, why not?" Jensen arched his body, knowing exactly what kind of a show he was giving Jeff.

"Jen, it's been a long day."

"You're avoiding it." Jensen pushed himself up to sitting, since obviously his seduction technique was not working tonight.

The bed dipped yet again, and this time it was Jeff. Jensen reached out to touch him and found Jeff sitting on the edge. "Can you blame me?"

No, he couldn't. Jensen couldn't imagine what it had been like to see someone he loved twisted up with pain. But it hadn't been a flashback, and he'd grabbed onto that like a lifeline. Jensen had been lost in pain, but he'd known exactly where he was. Jeff didn't know how much of a victory that was.

"Jeff," he said. "I never would have even considered going back to Harmony if it weren't for you. You gave me myself back."

Each tiny step they'd made together had brought Jensen closer to reclaiming his gift. He knew he couldn't have trusted anyone but Jeff in the bedroom to be his Dom.

"Don't be ridiculous," Jeff said. "You were always there." He finally gave in and turned to Jensen, placing his hands on Jensen's shoulders, thumbs rubbing circles on Jensen's already heated skin. "I just helped."

"Apparently whatever you said earlier helped Jared a lot, too." Jensen knew that would kill the mood, but it had to be said. He cupped Jeff's face between his palms, missing his usual dexterity, and once again mourned the slight backslide from the drug patch running out.

Jeff smiled, lifting one of Jensen's palms to his lips. "Good. Last thing I want is to be on your brother's bad side."

No, Jensen wouldn't want to leave things on a bad note when they left for Harmony. They hadn't even contacted Ferris yet. The decision had been made, but Jensen had needed to talk to Jared first. After today and then hearing the joy in Adrianne's voice at dinner, Jensen felt better about leaving his brother. Jared would be all right.

For the first time, Jensen would be chasing his own dream. The Sex Corps had shaped him, taught him truths about his own body and sexuality, and then had forced him to fuck for duty. Jensen decided he would never sleep with anyone he didn't want to ever again. He'd given himself to Jeff, and that was his choice.

"Jeff." Jensen leaned forward and pressed his lips to Jeff's. He bit at Jeff's lower lip, forcing him to deepen the kiss. Their mouths met and dueled, until Jeff won, pressing Jensen back against the sheets.

"Do you know how hard you are to resist when you're naked?"

Jensen laughed, stroking his hands down Jeff's chest. "Good. I have needs, you know." He arched his hips, pressing his erection against Jeff's hip.

"Ah, but we'll have to be quiet." Jeff pressed a finger to Jensen's lips. "Jared and Adrianne are just down the hall. And we don't want Mila to start howling again."

"I had a stern talk with her about that."

"Shh." Jeff kissed him into silence. "Can you keep quiet?"

Now this was a challenge. Jensen nodded, already starting to obey.

"Good boy."

It wouldn't be hard to be quiet. Not as long as Jeff kept speaking in that deep, rich voice. Jensen thought if Jeff tried he could probably bring Jensen off just by talking dirty.

Jeff mouthed down Jensen's neck, the stubble on his jaw scraping against Jensen's skin. He fisted his hands in the sheets, using that to keep from crying out. When Jeff paused to suck on one nipple, Jensen had to bite his lip. He clenched his eyes tightly shut and turned his face towards the pillow, hoping it would muffle any sounds that accidentally came out.

He could feel Jeff smile against his skin before he continued to lave at Jensen's nipple. Bastard! But Jensen didn't call him on it. He just spread his legs and held on for the ride.

When Jeff's hot mouth closed around his cock, Jensen let out a surprised yelp. He hadn't expected it so quickly. Jeff knew exactly how to play his body, where to touch to make Jensen scream. And he touched each of those places, complete with sliding a finger inside to tap at his prostate.

"Jeff," Jensen let out in a low whisper, unable to hold it back. Maybe he could talk Jeff into punishing him later for speaking.

"Let go, boy. Come for me. Want to swallow you down."

That was it. Jensen's world narrowed to nothing but Jeff sucking and fingering him, jolts of pleasure coiling up his spine. His orgasm rode him like a wave, sending his body into spasms of bliss. Jeff held him throughout the entire thing.

When Jensen could think again, he was wrapped up in Jeff's arms, half asleep. "You okay?" Jeff asked.

"That's one way to put it," Jensen said. He inhaled deeply, enjoying the mix of his and Jeff's scents. "Did you?"

"When you did." Jeff sounded embarrassed.

It only solidified everything Jensen believed. Jeff knew him, body and soul. There wasn't anyone he trusted more to travel to Harmony with and find healing. Stars, Jeff had been responsible for so much of Jensen's healing already.

He knew they'd probably have to deal with the Corps and whatever screw-up they'd made of relations with Harmony. It wouldn't be easy. But Jensen had never backed down from a challenge in his life.

"Glad you're with me," he said to Jeff, hoping he understood everything Jensen didn't say.

Jeff pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Good. Now call that dog up here before she gets pissed at you and eats your shoes."

Jensen laughed. Whatever the future held, he would have Jeff at his side and Jared at his back. He was ready to face tomorrow and cut whatever deal necessary to get them back to Harmony. Jensen was looking forward to the challenge.

end


End file.
